It's been forever since I've posted. Life has been very hectic and busy.
So,pardon me as I ramble.
Been working lots of overtime the past few months,trying to prove myself to hopefully be made full time,which I'm losing hopes of. The company has put a freeze on raises,only hires people as part time now,and quit matching funds on their 401 k. So have to decide whether to stick it out or look for something where I can actually get vacation and sick time so as to have a life and not burn out because at this point if I take a day off , I get an occurrence for it,too many occurences , and they fire you.
Jim's heart is still beating way too fast. They had him wear a halter monitor for 24 hours and his heart rate hit 170 in his sleep! Basically he's been told he could have a heart attack or stroke any time. They changed his heart meds and put him back on coumaden. His heart specialist has referred him to another specialist and he's been scheduled for heart surgery on April 22nd. It's a new technology they'll be doing and has a 95% success rate of correcting this.
In the meantime, do you have any idea what it's like hearing your beloved husband tell you... " I've talked to my brother and had him promise to help watch out for you if anything happens." "I want to be buried where my Mom is and make sure it's a simple Jewish burial." "If anything happens,this is the amount of my life insurance,it should cover everything, help my brother out with part of it and the rest is yours." "You can keep my car or sell it."
It kills me inside every time I hear those words in my head. We're still newlyweds!
He is the first man to ever treat me well,who hasn't been abusive and made me feel like I wanted to die and get it over with.
I love coming home to him. I look forward to waking up with him. I adore him with everything in me. He sings to me every morning without fail. He cooks on the nights I work. He works so hard to make me happy and make life easier for me.
To hear him tell me he's sorry and he feels like he jipped me by marrying me because he only wanted to be a blessing to me and never wanted to cause me pain because of all he knew I had been through and he feels bad that the possible loss of him would hurt me, is painful.
I have prayed till I don't know any more new prayers to pray,begging God to heal him. Do I have faith? Of course. You still struggle with the what ifs though.That is human nature. The logical side of my brain struggles to figure out how I'd cope if he died. Emotionally , how would I do, and I know I'd make it because I've lost so many loved ones in the past.He's brought me so much joy and happiness, I don't want to think of losing it. He is my everything. He taught me how to live again.He gave me the courage to hope. I don't want to go a day not hearing him sing to me,or not feel him hug me,or go withouot laying in his lap in the evening.The other part of my brain wonders,would I have to get a second job? Where would I live? Could I afford our apartment even though it's cheap in comparison? How can I help Robert through it? How would Robert cope with losing his brother and best friend? Would it be too much for him? Woudl he give up on life?
So,pardon me as I ramble.
Been working lots of overtime the past few months,trying to prove myself to hopefully be made full time,which I'm losing hopes of. The company has put a freeze on raises,only hires people as part time now,and quit matching funds on their 401 k. So have to decide whether to stick it out or look for something where I can actually get vacation and sick time so as to have a life and not burn out because at this point if I take a day off , I get an occurrence for it,too many occurences , and they fire you.
Jim's heart is still beating way too fast. They had him wear a halter monitor for 24 hours and his heart rate hit 170 in his sleep! Basically he's been told he could have a heart attack or stroke any time. They changed his heart meds and put him back on coumaden. His heart specialist has referred him to another specialist and he's been scheduled for heart surgery on April 22nd. It's a new technology they'll be doing and has a 95% success rate of correcting this.
In the meantime, do you have any idea what it's like hearing your beloved husband tell you... " I've talked to my brother and had him promise to help watch out for you if anything happens." "I want to be buried where my Mom is and make sure it's a simple Jewish burial." "If anything happens,this is the amount of my life insurance,it should cover everything, help my brother out with part of it and the rest is yours." "You can keep my car or sell it."
It kills me inside every time I hear those words in my head. We're still newlyweds!
He is the first man to ever treat me well,who hasn't been abusive and made me feel like I wanted to die and get it over with.
I love coming home to him. I look forward to waking up with him. I adore him with everything in me. He sings to me every morning without fail. He cooks on the nights I work. He works so hard to make me happy and make life easier for me.
To hear him tell me he's sorry and he feels like he jipped me by marrying me because he only wanted to be a blessing to me and never wanted to cause me pain because of all he knew I had been through and he feels bad that the possible loss of him would hurt me, is painful.
I have prayed till I don't know any more new prayers to pray,begging God to heal him. Do I have faith? Of course. You still struggle with the what ifs though.That is human nature. The logical side of my brain struggles to figure out how I'd cope if he died. Emotionally , how would I do, and I know I'd make it because I've lost so many loved ones in the past.He's brought me so much joy and happiness, I don't want to think of losing it. He is my everything. He taught me how to live again.He gave me the courage to hope. I don't want to go a day not hearing him sing to me,or not feel him hug me,or go withouot laying in his lap in the evening.The other part of my brain wonders,would I have to get a second job? Where would I live? Could I afford our apartment even though it's cheap in comparison? How can I help Robert through it? How would Robert cope with losing his brother and best friend? Would it be too much for him? Woudl he give up on life?
In my mind,I hear myself screaming,"Please God NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! Let him live!!!!!!! Please don't take him from me!!!!!! Why would You finally let me be happy only to take it away????? What have I done wrong that I should be punished like this?? God,this is too much for me all at once! Can I please have a break????
Then there is trying to support Jim and Robert as they watch their Father waste away.
Then there is the financial issues....having to pay for Jim's meds,the upcoming surgery,trying to save for my car repairs and now Jim's as well. My car needs $1,400. put in it and his new car needs $1,000.We have to have money to file our taxes and found out we will owe about $ 800. I'm overwhelmed with the money issue!
My pregnant daughter is having pains and needs to see the doctor thinking it's a possibility it could be a tubal pregnancy. I worry and wonder how she'd handle that loss if it happens. Could she handle it at all? She puts on a good front that she's invincible,but I know her better than that. Would it push her over the edge?
I don't want to sound like,oh ,please feel sorry for me.I don't want any one's pity!
Just needed to unload because I tend to try and handle it all till I brake.
I would appreciate your prayers for all these situations. I would love support, emails, phone calls. If I don't return them immediately, please understand, when I get home I want to spend as much time as possible with my honey. I'm not trying to neglect my friends,I cherish every one of them. I wouldn't have made it through some life events without them.
Thanks for listening to me unwind.
Then there is trying to support Jim and Robert as they watch their Father waste away.
Then there is the financial issues....having to pay for Jim's meds,the upcoming surgery,trying to save for my car repairs and now Jim's as well. My car needs $1,400. put in it and his new car needs $1,000.We have to have money to file our taxes and found out we will owe about $ 800. I'm overwhelmed with the money issue!
My pregnant daughter is having pains and needs to see the doctor thinking it's a possibility it could be a tubal pregnancy. I worry and wonder how she'd handle that loss if it happens. Could she handle it at all? She puts on a good front that she's invincible,but I know her better than that. Would it push her over the edge?
I don't want to sound like,oh ,please feel sorry for me.I don't want any one's pity!
Just needed to unload because I tend to try and handle it all till I brake.
I would appreciate your prayers for all these situations. I would love support, emails, phone calls. If I don't return them immediately, please understand, when I get home I want to spend as much time as possible with my honey. I'm not trying to neglect my friends,I cherish every one of them. I wouldn't have made it through some life events without them.
Thanks for listening to me unwind.
