My Journey : Faith

In 2007, I started that spring being launched into the hardest test I would ever face to date. At the time I was married, I was a housewife and loved it. I ran my own schedule. I cleaned houses and a business for pocket money to do with as I wished. I had free time to go to prayer meetings, Bible studies, to help my friend in her garden and house. I had time to volunteer for things. I loved it. My life was fulfilling. Spiritually, I was on top of the world. Then , one day, my world caved in. I was given divorce papers. I was deceived and betrayed in a way unimaginable. I could no longer trust. My faith came crashing down. I cried for months, I couldn't eat. I was depressed. I began having terrible anxiety attacks that were crippling. Everything looked bleak. I questioned G-d constantly asking " Why would you let this happen to me?!" In my mind, I screamed that question a million times.If G-d was all powerful and in control of everything, and if He loved me, why this. He could have spared me of this. This pain was too great to endure. I have been trying since then to regain the Spiritual ground I lost. To regain trust in a G-d I felt hated me, and Whom I wasn't real pleased with either. How do I come to a place of trusting Him again when I felt He abandoned me and just left me to suffer. It's been a heck of a road. I've had good friends and advisors who all tried to encourage me, but I just couldn't give my all to Him. I was going through the motions. I still loved HIm, but it wasn't the same as before. About a month ago I started using my alone time in the morning for listening to Christain music, prayer and reading a devotional. It has been a good place for me Spiritually and emotionally. Then a few weeks ago , I heard a song that really touched me. Every time it comes on, I crank the volume and bellow it as loudly as I can, singing these words that are singing my song. I sing it with everything in me. It has become an ongoing cry and prayer to G-d. Please take a listen... https://youtu.be/ZUg9qE_KjLg This might hurt It’s not safe But I know that I’ve gotta make a change I don’t care If I break At least I’ll be feeling something ‘Cause just ok Is not enough Help me fight through the nothingness of life I don’t wanna go through the motions I don’t wanna go one more day Without Your all consuming passion inside of me I don’t wanna spend my whole life asking What if I had given everything? Instead of going through the motions No regrets Not this time I’m gonna let my heart defeat my mind Let Your love Make me whole I think I’m finally feeling something Take me all the way Take me all the way Take me all the way Then last Sunday while listening to music I heard some songs and I knew it was G-d moving me through music. I heard "Where there is faith" . Tears streamed down my face as I sang it remembering all the words. He was telling to again have faith in Him. Then came "He is with you". More tears. He was clearly telling me He has been and is with me. It was me who felt He wasn't. Then came a song I've never heard that became my new prayer. Look Me In The Eye by Margaret Becker I found a letter I wrote to you In the bottom of the drawer Simple words, simple point of view That I don't have much anymore It said "I don't want fortune I don't want fame I only want the treasure That time can't take away CHORUS Look me in the eye Tell me if you see Traces of yourself Growing here in me Tell me if you find Your heart in mine I pray you'll see your light When you look me in the eye Many years have come and gone Since I wrote that page And somehow with the passing time I've let that truth slip away Dear Lord remind me Each and every day that your Holiness, your Godliness Is all that will remain CHORUS Now I see you Much too dimly But someday we'll be Eye to eye When I see you I want to hear you say That you were proud of my life Lord touch my heart Center my soul Till all I do Is for You alone CHORUS I want Him to see Himself in me. I want to give my all to Him again. I am feeling alive again. I can feel Him breathing fresh breath into me, refilling and restoring me. I think finally, I'm having a breakthrough in this jouney.....and I am so very thankful!

The Last Goodbye

What does goodbye look like?

A phone call

A diagnosis that offers no hope

Treatment that will not cure

Facing the inevitable truth

Trips to thrift stores to rid of items that will not again be used

A visit from family who cares

Recalling moments of fun and a life once filled with joy

Limitations

Frustration

Disappointment

Loss of energy in one once so vibrant

Cards filled with loving words

Prayer

Tears

Questioning

Thoughts filled with you

A husband's selfless love and care

Incredible grace and strength

Words of care and encouragement

Anticipating the loss

Frailty

Wondering why

Acceptance

Reminiscing

Hugs

Compassion

Love

A last visit

A last hug

Tears

Sorrow

Trinkets to remember you by

An antique passed on

A long drive home

More tears

Amazement of courage

Dreading the last call




"For everything there is a season
A time to live
A time to die"

I will always love you!