Whoever knows he is deep, strives for clarity; whoever would like to appear deep to the crowd, strives for obscurity. For the crowd considers anything deep if only it cannot see to the bottom: the crowd is so timid and afraid of going into the water.
Clarity of mind means clarity of passion , too; this is why a great and clear mind loves ardently and sees distinctly what he loves.
All my life , at least a great majority of it, I have stayed in the safe zone with that which was familiar and known. I have rarely gone into the unknown willingly, it was by force, either by circumstances beyond my control , or born out of sheer frustration over how things were.
As a child I had dreams of what I wanted to be... a ballerina, a nurse, a teacher...none of which I did. I knew I wanted to be a wife and mother and felt equipped to accomplish that. I stuck with what was familiar. Being sick of school, I certainly wanted no part of doing more of that!
I got married and had my babies. I had what I wanted, or knew I could handle doing. Well, that came with several unexpected turns which forced me to persevere or in some cases survive those things which happened. Those turns were not in my plan, but all of them forced me to grow in several areas that I am thankful for now. Some changes made me question my very existence and purpose in life.
Fast forward a few decades.... I've worked different jobs, some fulfilling, some not. Some gave me purpose for a while. Ministry opportunities definitely gave me a sense of purpose, made me feel alive. Along that journey I found myself in a congregation with no ministry opportunities. I could , over time, feel the life in me waning away the more time passed. I'm not a pew sitter, I'm a doer. I questioned several times over those years there, "G-d, why do You have me sitting on a shelf ?" I felt useless. By now, I knew the gifts G-d had planted in me , I was used to being used in those areas. Being used by G-d gives me meaning, it drives me, I feel alive doing those things , and to not, felt like trying to keep a cap on a volcano. I wrestled and sought to find a place to DO something. That was short lived. Nothing fit, no place was the right place.
I trudged away at my mundane, thankless, frustrating, job that I hate, yes hate, strong word, I know, but trust me on this. The longer I"m there the more restless I become. Thoughts run through my mind. Is this all there is in my life? Wasn't I created for something better than this? How can I help anyone working here?
Still , I've tried to keep a good attitude and prayed, asking G-d to give me someone to truly help each day and sometimes it happens, but still it is not enough for me. If I have to work, I want a career, not just a job. Did I say that out loud? I've never considered working long term, I've always wanted out, wanted to find a way to go back to being a housewife. Not just for the comfort, there's much more to it. When I was a housewife, I had time to help people. I helped in gardens , where great conversations would happen. I helped in a home where I earned a man's respect ( he never freely gave that to anyone, so to earn it was a great honor to have earned it ) I went to Bible studies where my insights and prayers comforted and healed others. I helped counsel friends who needed me. Life had purpose.
So , here I am in 2012, watching a friend get ready to go to school. She is my age. I've watched her excitement and wonder at the prospect of starting a new chapter in life, and it challenged me. Could I really go back to school ? At my age? What on earth would I do? I previously did a year of Bible college, which I LOVED! I got all A's and B's. That was a great time in my life. Could I really cut it in regular classes though? How will I afford it? On paper, surely they won't qualify me for the kind if financial help I'm going to really need, they'll think we make to much. What on earth would I want to study?
A thought kept nagging me though...if I want out of this job, if I want to earn what I'm worth, I need more of an education on paper! I have to be worth more in the world's eyes, not just my own.
Still, what do I want to be?
At first I thought EMT/paramedic. From a prior class, I knew I had a passion for that. I then found out what they make. I want to be worth more.
Then I wrestled with sonography or vet tech. I love animals. Ok, I could make myself do that. Still, I felt like I was floundering to figure out what I'm made for. What is my purpose. G-d, what do You have for me to do? How can I help others? What am I suited for?
Over the weekend, some friends and I delved again into studying personality profiles. This always excites me. I want to know me. I want to know those I care about. What makes us all tick? We read, and tested and studied. I re-read. I thought. Pondered. Searching. Searching to find me. Who am I ? I've grown a lot the last few years, become more self aware and aware of those I love. What we feel. What makes us hurt or heal. What brings us each joy. What grieves us to our core? Why do we react the way we each do to crisis? Why do we each think the way we do?
I came home and reviewed my profile with my husband, wanting him to know me, the very depths of me. How and why I feel what I feel. Then, we went to the list of possible careers for my type. I had already been mulling over the very things that jumped out at him. Counseling and religion/ministry. He said " I can see you doing this! These are the first things that jump out at me." I then gleefully ran to get my test results from Bible college and handed them to him. He read each one, its topic and grade. Again a question " Why aren't you still doing this?" This excited me. It was like a confirmation. He was catching the vision I was getting. I called my bestie for the second time this morning. In the first conversation I was tossing around the idea with her. She could see me doing this, and so it was reaffirmed by my hubby. In our second talk, it become solid. This is what I want. This is what I will strive for. This fits me.
Throughout the day I have received other affirmations from friends. They have been wonderful reminders of times I've helped each of them and how much it meant to them. It showed me my value in this area. I can have an impact. I can serve a purpose and help others.
I am so very thankful to G-d for clarity and direction. For quickly ending my struggle to seek where I belong and what He made me to do. I am blessed beyond compare , with the friends G-d has given me for such a time as this. They are my blessed cheer squad. I have so many beautiful voices telling me " I can" , that how could I not.
So, into the world of psych, counseling and ministry it will be, and for that I am very pleased. I have clarity.
