This image has had me thinking for quite some time as I've contemplated all of it's meaning and implications, as well as how I've seen it in action in my life.
In growing up in my home, disagreeing with my grnadmother was met with criticism, name calling and adverse reactions to reinforce that disagreeing with her was not safe nor accepted by her. She absolutely expected me to be her yes person, which I was not. The older I got, the more independent I became and formed my own opinions on life and how I wanted to live mine, the more uncomfortable things became with her .
Later on came controlling, jealous boyfriends and husbands. I was allowed opinions on some things, but not on all things. Disagreement was met with "the cold shoulder", heated disagreements, volitile situations-some that put my life in danger, name calling, abuse-physical, emotional and verbal.
What was most shocking I think, is how this was played out in churches and messianic congregations. Allow me to give some examples.....
You like secular music? That was a huge no, that was all satanic or demonic and led you to hell. You could only listen to Christian artists. Not wanting to jeopardize my walk with God, and wanting to be a good Godly person, out went 248 albums, stacks of 45's, cassettes, all gone. Music I had collected starting at age 5 with The Partridge Family and Donny Osmond records. I have always loved music since I was old enought to talk, I was singing or listening to it. Should we examine lyrics? Of course, but we should not demonize every little thing.
You go to a bar on occasion, even without any ill intent or bad behavior ?Maybe you're hanging with your bestie,or on a date with your spouse. Doesn't matter the reason. Even if you excercise self control and don't get drunk, or have soda or water and an appetizer. That's a no and will get you told off, shamed, lectured or all three. The devil and temptation hang out there and no good Christian has any business going there, even to witness. You were bombarded with the verse about " fleeing even the appearance of sin ".
You enjoy dancing? Nope. Sin hangs out lurking in dance clubs and folks only go there for one reason, too hook up and sin. Back in the day, movie theatres and roller skating rinks were also a no. Any place a female could encounter a male, there is temptation to sin or be taken advantage of unless chaperoned. (Nevermind the fact that we spent countless hours in school every day with people of the opposite sex. Apparently they thought we couldn't sneak off or do things during lunch).
Lest we also forget, all females are seen as potential Jezebels, temptresses lurking all about just waiting for the opportunity to cause a man to sin or seduce him because they are poor, weak, helpless souls with zero self control, but that's another topic for another day.
Let's jump in the water a little deeper now....
You disagree with the leaders teaching , sermon or decisions? That never ends well. You could be met with anything from isolation ( think of being shunned, much like in the Amish community), told you're flat out wrong and don't understand scripture (because they did go to seminary after all for many years), shamed in front of the congregation because again (regardless of how much you yourself have studied) ,they know so much more than you, or , you may be mocked and ridiculed, either privately or in front of everyone. Another thing that may happen, is you're met with apathy, even if bringing a genuine concerns.
Let me share a few examples.
A church I attended was fairly big for the area, about 300 people. It was a non denominational charismatic church. I had been attending a prayer group for many years, even before attending this church. One evening a friend from my prayer group visited, she knew some people there. She happened to talk to one of Pastor's daughter's and mentioned the prayer group and that I attended it. Well, not too long after, an announcement came from the pulpit, that if you were part of ANY minisrty that was not "under the umbrella" of THAT church, you had no business being in it and should stop participtaing immediatley. I did not heed that advice. I had been part of that prayer group many years and those women were my sisters in Christ and my family, 2 of them my mentors and spiritual Mom's to me.
On another occasion, same church, a friend and I began attending a Messianic congregation on Saturdays. We were learning so much, and were sometimes sharing what we learned with friends in the church, not trying to change anyone, just excited about learning. That got back to Pastor, and along came another announcement from the pulpit. He said and I quote, " If I want another doctrine shared in this church I will be the one to bring it". Oy veh. I half expected lightening to strike him at the haughtiness of his words.
Later on in a Messianic synogogue, I learned very quickly, if you liked country music, to keep your mouth shut and not make that known. The leader would talk about you and tell you and others repeatedly, "that's not REAL music". Disagree with him on doctrine? He'd write a paper on it if you were a well known person in the Messianic world, and post it publically on his web site for all to see, so he could prove how wrong you were and in exactly what ways gaining the support of other who would of course agree with him. People were taught to dress modestly, but it was focused primarily on women and girls. The guys could be shirtless playing basketball, but girls skirts had to be below the knee, no sleeveless tops or cleavage showing. If a woman visited and had something too revealing on, she was given a sweater or coat to put on and had to keep it on until she left. One man at lunch time would make his daughters make his plate of food and serve it to him before they could eat so they would learn to be good wives who knew how to serve their future husband. Girls were betrothed, the boy asking the father permission to court his daughter. If the parents of both thought it was a good match and they all approved, then the betrothal was granted. They would be chaperoned until married so there was no chance of sexual sin before saying thier vows. Think this was only applied to young adults? Think again. I was in my late 40's and had to follow these same guidelines. It was terrifying in that when we went to a local park to have engagemnt photos done, my friend and photographer was telling us how to pose and to act naturally. I was hesitant to even hold hands for fear it would get back to our rabbi and that we would then be told he wouldn't marry us, or make us wait another year for having not followed the rules because there was to be no touching before marriage.
Homeschooling was also a hot topic in the messianic shul. They based it on Psalms 1:1, "Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked, or set foot in the seat of mockers." They spoke often about how if you sent your children to public school , you were sending them to walk in the counsel of the wicked as it was full of secular thinking and ways, that the teachers would indoctrinate your children into the worlds ways of thinking and be led astray, and that they would be mocked for being different. All schools were thought to be bad, full of liberal thinkers and that their children would be taught evolution, read Harry Potter and the like and therefore learn witchcraft and paganism, and learn about other religions and cultures which would undo all the training thier parents and the shul had done. The sad part,ok one of the sad parts, was I watched these kids "graduate" with sub par academic skills. Most could barely spell and still can't very well. The girls were mainly taught piano and home economics type things like cooking, cleaning and sewing. From the pulpit, we often heard, "A woman's highest calling is to be a wife and mother". So in essence, those who felt led to be single or were widowed had absolutley no purpose. Boys were taught skills like mechanic work, landscaping and the like, with little to no focus on the value of academic learning. They were taught to be served, with the exception of a few mom's who taught their sons how to treat a woman with respect and value. For the most part, they were taught a vocation, that they were to one lead their family and be the head, and to study scripture. the emphasis of study was two fold. One ,everyone should know the Word, and two, they wanted to ensure this way of thinking would be passed on to the next generation, and that at least one of the boys would one day be educated enough in Torah to take over the shul should the leader ever retire or pass away. There were only 2 families our the whole congregation who sent their children to public school and they were ostracized and talked about. To be considered part of "the core group" you had to ascribe to all of the teachings of the leader. If you were in the core group, you were basically untouchable. The leaders would defend and support you.
Politics played a part as well, whether it be church or shul , in these conservative congregations, everyone was a Republican with the exception of 2 people in one of the Messianic places I attended, and again, they were ostracized and belittled and eventually left.
Everyone had a group think mindset. It's one thing to be a community and live in harmony with each other while maintaining your autonomy, and quite another to be a part of these groups.
The moral of this post , is wherever you attend, if people are not allowed to peacfully and respectfully disagree and there is forced conformity, get out. Find a healthy community. Losing yourself is far too high a price. I highly recommend you read "A Church Called Tov". It has great information and clearly shows red flags to watch for.
I hope you find this helpful.
