Happily Ever After

Happily ever after...the thing every little girl dreams of having as their parents read them bed time stories filled with beautiful princesses and the valiant princes who rescue them. In the end, they ride off on a grand white steed and live happily ever after. The damsels are rescued from an evil witch who sought to kill them out of jealousy. Or, an evil step mother or sister enslaves them . As far back as I can remember, I dreamt of my happily ever after. Every boyfriend I had, I thought would be my happily ever after, only to have those dreams dashed by abuse or unfaithfulness or both. Each relationship marred by pain, deceit, lies, and anger.
I so badly wanted to me a mother and wife.
As each relationship turned, I felt I was being robbed of my dream. I felt the love story I chased, would forever be an elusive wish. I so desperately wanted to be loved and accepted for who I was. So deep was this desire,that I became what each person wanted me to be , over time, losing myself.
The longest run,was an 18 year relationship, filled with agonizing pain and fear. At its end, I prayed for death. I wanted the hurt to end so badly that I contemplated ending it myself.
Months of not eating, because I couldn't without feeling ill. Panic attacks, a thing I had never had issues with in the past. Uncontrollable shaking, heart palpitations, feeling numb-or feeling too much to the point of being overwhelmed, depressed, anxious and full of fear. A life where every day was a hurdle the size of Mount Everest. A life where even mundane every day tasks seemed too much to accomplish. All feelings I was very unfamiliar with. In hindsight, I know it was only through God's power and grace , that I took every step...going to work, doing dishes, getting up, getting dressed...yes, each of these were giant feats for me each day.
I vividly remember God telling me He was taking me out of Egypt. That was during Pesach at my dear friend Liz's home. I fought to not cry during the Seder after hearing those words. I knew then, God would not again restore this mess I called a marriage. Instantly , I had no desire to ask God to restore it. I knew then what the Israelites felt with everything in me. Excitement of being freed from their situation, and at the same time, fear of the unknown. Where would God take me? What would it be like? How would He do it? What would be the cost of that freedom?
I thank God for His placing of friends around me whom He hand selected! They went with me to court. They were there night or day should I need to talk or cry or get away at a moments notice. Friends who fervently prayed for my rescue and protection.
God provided a job and a home. He took care of every little detail. He cradled me in His arms shielding from all who sought to hurt me. He protected my mind, even though at times I thought I was losing it.
Then , He allowed me to meet the one who would become my sweet prince.
This wonderful man, "Jimmy everything".
He instantly became an invaluable friend, and at times, my counselor.
We talked every day. He made me laugh in the midst of my recovery . He helped me to again become myself, which was no small task. I had become a master chameleon. He talked me through every situation as I fought to be released from the anguish of my past. He allowed me to share every detail of my life and made me feel comfortable in doing so. He was the first man I knew beyond the shadow of a doubt,that I could trust with my feelings,whether they be good, bad or ugly.
He truly had the heart of Yeshua. Unjudgemental, caring, compassionate, loving, self sacrificing, gentle.
I had sat down one day before I met him, and made a list of what I would or wouldn't want in a man, should I ever get brave enough to let one in my life again. It was extensive and well thought out one day as I poured out my heart to God. I told God, this man MUST meet ALL of these or I wouldn't even consider it. Never again would I "settle" for the sake of not being alone. I would stand my ground and my values.
The longer I knew Jim and the better I got to know him, I saw every character trait I had placed in my list.
The transition was difficult. I tried many times to push Jim away. I was hard and calloused and had put up so many walls. There were times I made him cry. Then we'd each go off and pray. God would tell him to be patient with me, and at the same time, would show me how I'd hurt him. I would always call and apologize. It pained me every time God showed me how I acted towards this gentle soul.
Over time , this wonderful friendship evolved into love.
Jim had told me several times he was going to marry me some day, and every time I assured him that would NEVER happen.
One day while driving to work, it hit me, no, blindsided me...I was falling in love. Oh how that terrified me. Love had always equated pain and mistrust. Dare I let this feeling in? Do I shut it off? Should I run from it? Is it safe to take a chance on it?
Oddly, the words of a childhood song kept playing though my head...and old Partridge Family song.

"Somebody Wants To Love You"

On your own, far away from home
There doesn't seem to be a friend when you're alone
People stare, you wonder if they care
So you turn your back on someone with love to share
Try to see, it's gotta be
Lovin' one another is the only possibility
So when you're down, and losin' ground
Don't get to thinkin' love can't be found

Hey, stop, stop, and look around
Somebody wants to love you
Stop, stop and turn around
Somebody wants to love you
Somebody wants to love you

Hey you, it's nothin ' new
Love will be around no matter what you do
Or will you try every alibi
And fool yourself some more and wonder why
So try to see, it's gotta be
When you turn your back on love, you miss the opportunity
And once again, you're at a dead end
And nowhere to turn without a friend

Hey, stop , stop and look around
Somebody wants to love you
Stop, stop and turn around
Somebody wants to love you
Somebody wants to love you "

I remember that day vividly. I called Jim to tell him what I was feeling. Each of us recall exactly where we were.

Fast forward to our wedding. The most beautiful March day. Crisp, but sunny. A day filled with anxious feelings for us both , coupled with excitement. A day filled with all of our closest friends, family and our community. It was perfect, thanks to the hard work of many.

I had found my "Sweet Prince", my" Jimmy everything".
Since then, we've shared many laughs, some tears, trials, medical procedures and each time come through closer than we were before. Every event drawing us closer together.

I am eternally grateful to God for my prince. This wonderful man, who gently cradles my heart with every beat of his caring heart. A man of incredible wisdom and integrity. A man with the innocence of a child and strength of a mighty warrior. A man with the humor of a jester and seriousness of a knight. A very complex man . The man whom God uses every day to give me my happily ever after story. Another page is written each day that we awake together. Ours is a story that will continue to unfold each day, till one of us breathes no more and that heart ceases to beat. I believe when that day comes, in some way, the story will continue in our hearts as we await spending eternity together with our Lord in His kingdom....



A love story has no end