My Journey: Clarity

Whoever knows he is deep, strives for clarity; whoever would like to appear deep to the crowd, strives for obscurity. For the crowd considers anything deep if only it cannot see to the bottom: the crowd is so timid and afraid of going into the water.

Clarity of mind means clarity of passion , too; this is why a great and clear mind loves ardently and sees distinctly what he loves.     

All my life , at least a great majority of it, I have stayed in the safe zone with that which was familiar and known. I have rarely gone into the unknown willingly, it was by force, either by circumstances beyond my control , or born out of sheer frustration over how things were.

As a child I had dreams of what I wanted to be... a ballerina, a nurse, a teacher...none of which I did.  I knew I wanted to be a wife and mother and felt equipped to accomplish that. I stuck with what was familiar. Being sick of school, I certainly wanted no part of doing more of that!

I got married and had my babies. I had what I wanted, or knew I could handle doing. Well, that came with several unexpected turns which forced me to persevere or in some cases survive those things which happened. Those turns were not in my plan, but all of them forced me to grow in several areas that I am thankful for now. Some changes made me question my very existence and purpose in life.

Fast forward a few decades.... I've worked different jobs, some fulfilling, some not. Some gave me purpose for a while. Ministry opportunities definitely gave me a sense of purpose, made me feel alive. Along that journey I found myself in a congregation with no ministry opportunities. I could , over time, feel the life in me waning away the more time passed. I'm not a pew sitter, I'm a doer. I questioned several times over those years there, "G-d, why do You have me sitting on a shelf ?" I felt useless. By now, I knew the gifts G-d had planted in me , I was used to being used in those areas. Being used by G-d gives me meaning, it drives me, I feel alive doing those things , and to not, felt like trying to keep a cap on a volcano. I wrestled and sought to find a place to DO something. That was short lived. Nothing fit, no place was the right place.

I trudged away at my mundane, thankless, frustrating,  job that I hate, yes hate, strong word, I know, but trust me on this. The longer I"m there the more restless I become. Thoughts run through my mind. Is this all there is in my life? Wasn't I created for something better than this? How can I help anyone working here?

Still , I've tried to keep a good attitude and prayed, asking G-d to give me someone to truly help each day and sometimes it happens, but still it is not enough for me. If I have to work, I want a career, not just a job. Did I say that out loud?  I've never considered working long term, I've always wanted out, wanted to find a way to go back to being a housewife. Not just for the comfort, there's much more to it. When I was a housewife, I had time to help people. I helped in gardens , where great conversations would happen. I helped in a home where I earned a man's respect ( he never freely gave that to anyone, so to earn it was a great honor to have earned it ) I went to Bible studies where my insights and prayers comforted and healed others. I helped counsel friends who needed me. Life had purpose.

So , here I am in 2012, watching a friend get ready to go to school. She is my age. I've watched her excitement and wonder at the prospect of starting a new chapter in life, and it challenged me. Could I really go back to school ? At my age? What on earth would I do?  I previously did a year of Bible college, which I LOVED! I got all A's and B's. That was a great time in my life. Could I really cut it in regular classes though? How will I afford it? On paper, surely they won't qualify me for the kind if financial help I'm going to really need, they'll think we make to much. What on earth would I want to study?

A thought kept nagging me though...if I want out of this job, if I want to earn  what I'm worth, I need more of an education on paper! I have to be worth more in the world's eyes, not just my own.

Still, what do I want to be?

At first I thought EMT/paramedic. From a prior class, I knew I had a passion for that. I then found out what they make. I want to be worth more.

Then I wrestled with sonography or vet tech. I love animals. Ok, I could make myself do that. Still, I felt like I was floundering to figure out what I'm made for. What is my purpose. G-d, what do You have for me to do? How can I help others? What am I suited for?

Over the weekend, some friends and I delved again into studying personality profiles. This always excites me. I want to know me. I want to know those I care about. What makes us all tick? We read, and tested and studied. I re-read. I thought. Pondered. Searching. Searching to find me. Who am I ? I've grown a lot the last few years, become more self aware and aware of those I love. What we feel. What makes us hurt or heal. What brings us each joy. What grieves us to our core? Why do we react the way we each do to crisis? Why do we each think the way we do?

I came home and reviewed my profile with my husband, wanting him to know me, the very depths of me. How and why I feel what I feel. Then, we went to the list of possible careers for my type. I had already been mulling over the very things that jumped out at him. Counseling and religion/ministry. He said " I can see you doing this! These are the first things that jump out at me." I then gleefully ran to get my test results from Bible college and handed them to him. He read each one, its topic and grade. Again a question " Why aren't you still doing this?" This excited me. It was like a confirmation. He was catching the vision I was getting.  I called my bestie for the second time this morning. In the first conversation I was tossing around the idea with her. She could see me doing this, and so it was reaffirmed by my hubby. In our second talk, it become solid. This is what I want. This is what I will strive for. This fits me.

Throughout the day I have received other affirmations from friends. They have been wonderful reminders of times I've helped each of them and how much it meant to them. It showed me my value in this area. I can have an impact. I can serve a purpose and help others.

I am so very thankful to G-d for clarity and direction. For quickly ending my struggle to seek where I belong and what He made me to do. I am blessed beyond compare , with the friends G-d has given me for such a time as this. They are my blessed cheer squad. I have so many beautiful voices telling me " I can" , that how could I not.

So, into the world of psych, counseling and ministry it will be, and for that I am very pleased. I have clarity.

My Journey : Faith

In 2007, I started that spring being launched into the hardest test I would ever face to date. At the time I was married, I was a housewife and loved it. I ran my own schedule. I cleaned houses and a business for pocket money to do with as I wished. I had free time to go to prayer meetings, Bible studies, to help my friend in her garden and house. I had time to volunteer for things. I loved it. My life was fulfilling. Spiritually, I was on top of the world. Then , one day, my world caved in. I was given divorce papers. I was deceived and betrayed in a way unimaginable. I could no longer trust. My faith came crashing down. I cried for months, I couldn't eat. I was depressed. I began having terrible anxiety attacks that were crippling. Everything looked bleak. I questioned G-d constantly asking " Why would you let this happen to me?!" In my mind, I screamed that question a million times.If G-d was all powerful and in control of everything, and if He loved me, why this. He could have spared me of this. This pain was too great to endure. I have been trying since then to regain the Spiritual ground I lost. To regain trust in a G-d I felt hated me, and Whom I wasn't real pleased with either. How do I come to a place of trusting Him again when I felt He abandoned me and just left me to suffer. It's been a heck of a road. I've had good friends and advisors who all tried to encourage me, but I just couldn't give my all to Him. I was going through the motions. I still loved HIm, but it wasn't the same as before. About a month ago I started using my alone time in the morning for listening to Christain music, prayer and reading a devotional. It has been a good place for me Spiritually and emotionally. Then a few weeks ago , I heard a song that really touched me. Every time it comes on, I crank the volume and bellow it as loudly as I can, singing these words that are singing my song. I sing it with everything in me. It has become an ongoing cry and prayer to G-d. Please take a listen... https://youtu.be/ZUg9qE_KjLg This might hurt It’s not safe But I know that I’ve gotta make a change I don’t care If I break At least I’ll be feeling something ‘Cause just ok Is not enough Help me fight through the nothingness of life I don’t wanna go through the motions I don’t wanna go one more day Without Your all consuming passion inside of me I don’t wanna spend my whole life asking What if I had given everything? Instead of going through the motions No regrets Not this time I’m gonna let my heart defeat my mind Let Your love Make me whole I think I’m finally feeling something Take me all the way Take me all the way Take me all the way Then last Sunday while listening to music I heard some songs and I knew it was G-d moving me through music. I heard "Where there is faith" . Tears streamed down my face as I sang it remembering all the words. He was telling to again have faith in Him. Then came "He is with you". More tears. He was clearly telling me He has been and is with me. It was me who felt He wasn't. Then came a song I've never heard that became my new prayer. Look Me In The Eye by Margaret Becker I found a letter I wrote to you In the bottom of the drawer Simple words, simple point of view That I don't have much anymore It said "I don't want fortune I don't want fame I only want the treasure That time can't take away CHORUS Look me in the eye Tell me if you see Traces of yourself Growing here in me Tell me if you find Your heart in mine I pray you'll see your light When you look me in the eye Many years have come and gone Since I wrote that page And somehow with the passing time I've let that truth slip away Dear Lord remind me Each and every day that your Holiness, your Godliness Is all that will remain CHORUS Now I see you Much too dimly But someday we'll be Eye to eye When I see you I want to hear you say That you were proud of my life Lord touch my heart Center my soul Till all I do Is for You alone CHORUS I want Him to see Himself in me. I want to give my all to Him again. I am feeling alive again. I can feel Him breathing fresh breath into me, refilling and restoring me. I think finally, I'm having a breakthrough in this jouney.....and I am so very thankful!

The Last Goodbye

What does goodbye look like?

A phone call

A diagnosis that offers no hope

Treatment that will not cure

Facing the inevitable truth

Trips to thrift stores to rid of items that will not again be used

A visit from family who cares

Recalling moments of fun and a life once filled with joy

Limitations

Frustration

Disappointment

Loss of energy in one once so vibrant

Cards filled with loving words

Prayer

Tears

Questioning

Thoughts filled with you

A husband's selfless love and care

Incredible grace and strength

Words of care and encouragement

Anticipating the loss

Frailty

Wondering why

Acceptance

Reminiscing

Hugs

Compassion

Love

A last visit

A last hug

Tears

Sorrow

Trinkets to remember you by

An antique passed on

A long drive home

More tears

Amazement of courage

Dreading the last call




"For everything there is a season
A time to live
A time to die"

I will always love you!

My Journey - Deliverance

Many years ago, around 1996 , I was at home and the phone rang. It was my Pastor's daughter. She asked if I would be interested in replacing her at a church member's cafe. I wasn't looking for work necessarily, but the thought of working for a Believer for the first time certainly enticed me. I went at met the owner. She was very nice and warm. She ran the cafe which also did catering. Also employed there were her 2 sons and eldest daughter. The youngest daughter was there and helped in between doing her home schooling. I was hired. Officially I was the dishwasher. I did other things as well as time went on. I helped bus tables, ran the register, ran deliveries, helped with catering, baked. I enjoyed it. I have to admit however, I complained quite a bit. I'd complain about the heat, after all, I was in front of 3 boiling hot sinks (talk about humidity), and behind me were ovens and burners running all day. Oy! I do NOT like heat or humidity. I complained if I didn't feel good. Being raised as an only child, I could be pretty selfish and want my way. I definitely always looked at how things affected me. I'm not saying I was rotten. I had some good points, but I surely needed some work smoothing off my rough edges. Among my other attributes were my often bitey comments. I meant them in joking of course, but I often wouldn't think about how the other person's day may have been going, or what outside things may be affecting them. Being offended and hurt every time I wasn't invited to something. I took everything personally. Still, I loved working there with that family. They were kind and fun.We could joke together. We'd pray together every day before opening. We played instrumental or Christian music. The atmosphere there was great. We went to movies together. Well, one day my sweet boss had about all she could take of my attitudes. After we closed, she told me she was cutting my hours back for 3 weeks. How dare she?! , I thought to myself! This is a job, not a Christian training camp for perfect behavior. This can't be legal! I was outright pissed off! Still something told me, she cared about me. She wasn't a mean or vindictive person. She was always fair. She kindly suggested I read Neil Anderson's book " The Bondage Breaker". She suggested I may learn a lot from it, and that after I read it, she'd like to pray with me if I was willing. I took her challenge. I found the book , bought a copy and devoured it. I learned from it that different things we involve ourself in can open doors to let the enemy come into our life. I learned how deliverance works. I learned the authority I had in G-d to take control over those things,and that I didn't have to let them control me. There is more in there, but you will just have to read it yourself. After reading it cover to cover, I informed my boss I had finished the book, and was definitely willing to let her pray for me. We picked a day after work and met in her office, myself, her, her eldest daughter and her daughter in law. We stayed in there 4 1/2 hours! Hours of answering questions about things I had done in my past, repenting of them, rebuking their affects on me and their spiritual strongholds. It was gruelling and exhausting! Talk about vulnerable! These were things no one else knew about me, things too hard for me to have shared with anyone else at that time. Confessing in front of people whom I"m sure never even thought to do these things themselves. Confessing my rotten attitudes. Drug use, alcoholism, and things I dare not print.
Four and a half hours later, I left that office, not just tired and wrung out, but feeling really different for the first time in my life. Not that salvation didn't make a change in me, but this was different. I felt lighter. I didn't feel like I was being run around. I didn't feel aggressive. The flashbacks I used to have of things I had done, were gone! Oh , that was the sweetest moment, when I realized the flashbacks left! How glorious not to be haunted by those memories and images running through my head. I hated seeing them every time they would replay in my mind against my will. That was so hard an event.So very humbling to the very core of my being, but so very worth it. I can never thank her or her family enough! What a wonderful gift to share with someone, freedom, spiritual freedom. Now that is love! They layed down their life for me in a way that day. No greater love hath a man for his brother, than to lay down his life for him. After being delivered, my attitudes surely changed for the better. Bitterness left. The need to condemn others left to make myself feel worthy,  left. Those mean comments disguised as jokes, left. I had joy! Shortly after , on a trip to Idaho, my car broke down at 3-something a.m. The nearest rest area was 3 miles away. I got out and helped push the car 3 miles, laughing the whole time! Prior to my deliverance, I'd have been mad as all heck! Probably would have griped the whole 3 miles and kicked the car. I told my boss about it when I got back, and she smiled the biggest smile. She knew that in itself was a testimony of what had taken place in her office the day I decided to surrender all. That song, I surrender all, has a special meaning to me because of that day, and I don't think I've made it through without crying once since then. I'm thankful for those tears. I'm thankful to feel normal and free. I've since had the pleasure of sharing that wonderful gift with some over the years, and what an awesome privilege, to see the change in someones countenance afterward. I thank G-d for the times He's used me to share it. What an wonderful, caring, gentle G-d we serve. He loves as as we are, but loves us enough NOT to let us stay that way, for that I am ever so grateful!
Here's a video that depicts how Satan runs us around, and we are often unaware, and how our glorious L-rd fights for us, to give us freedom if we will accept it. It's very dear to my heart. Please, prayerfully watch it.

The "F" Word

What is the "F" word to which I am referring? Well, let me put your mind at ease, it probably isn't the first one that popped into your head. lol
The "F" word I am talking about is friendship or friend. A lot of folks have an idea of what that word means.We all have friends at work. We have childhood  friends and high school friends. We have church friends , MOPS friends, cell group friends. In the modern age of technology , we have gaming friends, Myspace friends and Facebook friends. Might I be so bold as to say, upon greater examination, many of these included in these groups, are not friends at all, but would be downgraded to acquaintance status. Acquaintance - having knowledge of or familiarity with, but not on an intimate level. Having factual knowledge of someone or thing, i.e. being acquainted with certain foods or wines, acquainted with a topic, or having factual knowledge of some historical event or person. Though you may see this person regularly, you only share surface information with them and are somewhat guarded in your interactions with them. You share basic information with them and answers to their inquiries are brief , offering little information.  An acquaintance is in the game with you as long as your interests and beliefs are the same as theirs. The moment there are blatant differences between yourself and them, they are out the door or are telling you why your interests are not interesting,or why your beliefs are wrong and their viewpoint is right and will adamantly tell you why yours are wrong and will not relent to save the relationship, because there is no investment in it by them. They are the ones who want to benefit the most from your relationship. Foremost, you can gauge the level of your relationship with someone in terms of the "depth" of your interactions. The definition of friend or friendship is a much longer one. Friend - A person with whom you are allied in good and bad, in struggle and in causes.A person with whom you are attached to affectionately denoting deep care of them and their feelings. Here are my personal definitions: A friend is someone whom you take the time to build relationship with. You care more about getting to know their thoughts, likes and dislikes rather than making sure they know yours. A friend is one in whom there is mutual trust. They need not worry that I will hurt them or cause them emotional harm. Friendship should be a place of mutual safety for the emotional health and benefit of both parties. If I confide in them , I need not ever worry they will share what I've said and vice versa. They are free to share their deepest thoughts and feelings with me knowing that I will guard and protect that information and they will do the same with mine.
negotiate respectful boundaries. If something is a hot button for one of us, out of love and respect, we will leave that topic alone. It doesn't mean either person loses who they are. It means the relationship is more important than the topic! There may be words that are hurtful due to one's past experiences, so a respectful boundary not to use those words may be needed. There may be a topic from one's past that is too hurtful to bring up, so a boundary not to mention that event may be needed so as not to bring on the painful memory.
Friendship is intimacy. In intimacy, we are willing and safe to share our most secret thoughts and experiences. Intimacy means knowing more than mere surface facts about each other. If all I know of you are your favorite foods and colors, we are not intimate. Intimacy denotes knowing each other in a way few others do,  it is a trusted position. This means much time invested in each other. You should not share intimate information with someone you met 5 minutes ago, or a few months ago. This level of trust takes much time to foster and grow. Intimacy means knowing each others thoughts with a mere glance, no words are needed. It means I am comfortable to be me and you are comfortable to be you , without fear of judgement or condemnation. Friendship means enjoying each others company whether you're out having fun or sitting doing nothing. In true friendship there is no need on either's part to have to entertain the other, you simply feel better by being together, through whatever. An acquaintance will bail when there is no personal gain for them. < This is just a brief summary on what friendship means to me. As I think more, and reflect, there is a novel worth of points to be shared for sure. As I've aged, my definition has evolved on many levels. I now have only a few that have earned this title, because maturity and experience have necessitated constant re-evaluations of its definition. Please, do not feel bad when I say there are "few" in my life. This is by choice. The ones I have now have been hand picked by the Master friend selector Himself. I am blessed and thankful He brought them and removed others. They are each priceless gems in my life , true gifts from G-d and I take every opportunity to tell and show them of their value to me and in my life. I hope this post helps someone differentiate and define what a friend really is.