Whole Lotta Unlearning Going On

Whew, it's so wonderful to be able to write again.......last time was 2015. That's how long it's been since my last laptop died. I miss this, quiet time along to think, unwind, and just be.So much has happened.....many losses. Family that's passed, relationships lost, realizing that I will never be the old me , ever again. That last realization was the hardest. I spent years fighting to be the old me again, the me thatI was before the divorce and devastation. I so desperately wanted her back. I tried with everything I had, then one day, a dear friend said, "What if she's gone forever?" "What if you can't be her again, because she would again allow unhealthy relationships and wrong choices?" "What if , God is going to make you into someone new and better?" That hit like a ton of bricks. How do you grieve the loss of yourself? And yet I am, layer by painful layer. It's so hard. I miss the old me, at least parts. The parts that knew instinctively how to recall scripture as needed, or pray, and know what to pray, the part of me that had faith for any situation. I've become terrified to trust God fully, because He didn't do what I had hoped for and what I thought I needed. Instead, He let my world fall apart and come crumbling down. I know why, but that doesn't mean I liked it. You know that saying, " Better the devil I know than the one I don't?" That was my life. Life with my ex was one excruciating moment after another, mixed with just enough happiness to keep me holding on and hoping things would get better.....they would, but it was only ever temporary, then came the next betrayal, the next verbal assault, the next broken window, or knife driven into the wall by my face to make me fear that next time it would really be my face. It didn't help that I had pastors, yes, plural over the years, tell me " If I would pray more, fast more, anoint his side of the bed, his pillow, submit more, give him more sex etc., etc. that he would change, that he would be won over by my Godly behavior. Let me educate you, that does NOT and NEVER will work. That is a gross distortion of scripture taken out of context and used to continue promoting a mysogynistic, patriarchal system that is a breeding ground for abuse in unhealthy churches, synogogues and religious systems. If this is happening to you, do NOT be silent and get the help you need to get out. That mate will not change, they have no intention of changing and they don't care that they are hurting you. So, here I am , taking baby steps, trying to learn to trust God again. I wish there was an "easy" button I could push. The quandary of it all. Wanting to serve God, loving God, but not willing to trust. It's a process. At the same time , I've been deconstructing my faith. Getting back to basics as it were. The pandemic was a glorious opportunity to step back and assess it all for myself, shedding layers of what no longer fits, holding to on to what does. Discovering I can follow Torah, without being a legalistic , horrid person . Learning what it looks like to really love people for who they are and where they are. Learning that all those I saw over the years in Torah communities mocking others who liked a different kind of music, or had piercings and tattoos, or they were talking about how wrong people who attended a Sunday church were, they were the ones who were wrong, they were unloving and not compassionate. That behavior will never draw people to Yahweh. It will drive them away. Learning that I cannot deny the moving of the Ruach, which by the way usually wasn't felt in those communities. How I wish that Torah communities and churches would come together and realize they both have so much to offer, and that if they functioned together, they both have so much to offer each other. The Torah communities have such a rich history full of beautiful traditions, with beautiful meanings that lead and point to our Messiah. The church knows how to disciple and how to love the unlovely and doesn't shy away from the moving of the Ruach. If only they would see their need for each other and build bridges instead of chasms. Someday........... With all of this change, I've discovered I have something beautiful that I always wanted, a husband who was also my best friend. We have become so very close, and I've discovered I really can talk to him about anything, even hard things. Is this new? Not really. When we met I talked to him about tons of things. It's gone to new levels though. I can depend on him on my really hard days, days when it's hard to put my feelings into words, days when I want to just cry, or go for a drive to decompress. I am so very thankful for him. He has grown so much over the years. I'm so very proud of the man God is shaping. He absolutely amazes me. I am thankful too for beautiful new friendships. People who are emotionally healthy and not toxic. I am thankful for a few old relationships that have been reestablished and are doing well. I have sweet sisters in my life who cheer me on, who gently guide me in my faith and help keep me on track and keep me from derailing. Well, I think that is enough catching up for now. My old blog friend, it is nice to be back again.