Grief and Trauma

These are both great images of what trauma looks like. It binds you, all of you, holding you hostage, and makes everything in your mind and ways of thinking , not work or function correctly. I have recently had multiple events hit all at once. Multiple anniversaries of loved ones passing-I was finally feeling like I was handling that better, news of the pending divorce of a loved one, and multiple people passing. My ex brother in law passed, I have complex feeling about that. I lost a childhood friend's mother. I lost my 2nd spiritual mom, that has been devastating even though it was expected. My dad advised me his wife is leaving him, and I cannot stand the thought of him one day passing alone. I also have complex feelings about that.For the icing on the cake, my ex husband took his life. He was being accused of something I am one thousand percent sure he did, and to avoid incarceration, or being accountable and facing justice for his actions, he took his life instead. That last one, has absolutely gutted me. I read 2 wonderful posts recently I want to keep in front of me, and wanted to share with anyone who may come across this post. I pray it helps someone. By Patrick Weaver Hello Pain, My God you've consumed my mind, my life and my prayers. Lord knows we've been doing this dance for too long, and I know thaat I have to take some responsibility for the misery that comes from talking to you, listening to you , and agreeing with your beliefs that undermine my power, beauty and potential. I thought our commiserating was my way of grieving but now I know that you are compounding my grief, and our commiserating is causing my incarceration. I see you for what you are, I see that your purpose is to make me think something is wrong with me because of what happened to me. In 2024, I'm evicting you, I'm no longer going to allow you to live in my head rent free. I'm not going to let you isolate me, speak lies over me or make me burn down my emotional house to keep you warm. I'm going to surround myself with supportive warriors to help me fight for the next version of me, I'm going to invest in my joy, I'm going to water my mind with truth and instruction for healing, I'm going to start doing things that reinforce my value and my desire to live my blessed life. And yes, that means you will be evicted in 2024. Consider this your eviction notice. Don't bother coming back for your stuff, I burned up everything that belonged to you! Oh, and incaase you try to sneak back in, don't worry about the dog, I got my Sword back-and it's sharp! Heartprints of God For the one longing to pour out you heart to God, but you have no words. The sorrow-too much. The situation-too much. The magnitutde of the mess-too much. The cry of your heart too much for human words to articulate. Don't worry about the words. Simply bring your heart to God in the silence. In moments like these, when we are unable to pray, the Holy Spirit, Himself, prays for us. When we can't, when we don't know how, when we don't know what to pray-the Spirit can, the Spirit will, the Spirit does. All you need to do is bring your heart. He will bring the words, and His words don't return void.

It's All About Control

This image has had me thinking for quite some time as I've contemplated all of it's meaning and implications, as well as how I've seen it in action in my life. In growing up in my home, disagreeing with my grnadmother was met with criticism, name calling and adverse reactions to reinforce that disagreeing with her was not safe nor accepted by her. She absolutely expected me to be her yes person, which I was not. The older I got, the more independent I became and formed my own opinions on life and how I wanted to live mine, the more uncomfortable things became with her . Later on came controlling, jealous boyfriends and husbands. I was allowed opinions on some things, but not on all things. Disagreement was met with "the cold shoulder", heated disagreements, volitile situations-some that put my life in danger, name calling, abuse-physical, emotional and verbal. What was most shocking I think, is how this was played out in churches and messianic congregations. Allow me to give some examples..... You like secular music? That was a huge no, that was all satanic or demonic and led you to hell. You could only listen to Christian artists. Not wanting to jeopardize my walk with God, and wanting to be a good Godly person, out went 248 albums, stacks of 45's, cassettes, all gone. Music I had collected starting at age 5 with The Partridge Family and Donny Osmond records. I have always loved music since I was old enought to talk, I was singing or listening to it. Should we examine lyrics? Of course, but we should not demonize every little thing. You go to a bar on occasion, even without any ill intent or bad behavior ?Maybe you're hanging with your bestie,or on a date with your spouse. Doesn't matter the reason. Even if you excercise self control and don't get drunk, or have soda or water and an appetizer. That's a no and will get you told off, shamed, lectured or all three. The devil and temptation hang out there and no good Christian has any business going there, even to witness. You were bombarded with the verse about " fleeing even the appearance of sin ". You enjoy dancing? Nope. Sin hangs out lurking in dance clubs and folks only go there for one reason, too hook up and sin. Back in the day, movie theatres and roller skating rinks were also a no. Any place a female could encounter a male, there is temptation to sin or be taken advantage of unless chaperoned. (Nevermind the fact that we spent countless hours in school every day with people of the opposite sex. Apparently they thought we couldn't sneak off or do things during lunch). Lest we also forget, all females are seen as potential Jezebels, temptresses lurking all about just waiting for the opportunity to cause a man to sin or seduce him because they are poor, weak, helpless souls with zero self control, but that's another topic for another day. Let's jump in the water a little deeper now.... You disagree with the leaders teaching , sermon or decisions? That never ends well. You could be met with anything from isolation ( think of being shunned, much like in the Amish community), told you're flat out wrong and don't understand scripture (because they did go to seminary after all for many years), shamed in front of the congregation because again (regardless of how much you yourself have studied) ,they know so much more than you, or , you may be mocked and ridiculed, either privately or in front of everyone. Another thing that may happen, is you're met with apathy, even if bringing a genuine concerns. Let me share a few examples. A church I attended was fairly big for the area, about 300 people. It was a non denominational charismatic church. I had been attending a prayer group for many years, even before attending this church. One evening a friend from my prayer group visited, she knew some people there. She happened to talk to one of Pastor's daughter's and mentioned the prayer group and that I attended it. Well, not too long after, an announcement came from the pulpit, that if you were part of ANY minisrty that was not "under the umbrella" of THAT church, you had no business being in it and should stop participtaing immediatley. I did not heed that advice. I had been part of that prayer group many years and those women were my sisters in Christ and my family, 2 of them my mentors and spiritual Mom's to me. On another occasion, same church, a friend and I began attending a Messianic congregation on Saturdays. We were learning so much, and were sometimes sharing what we learned with friends in the church, not trying to change anyone, just excited about learning. That got back to Pastor, and along came another announcement from the pulpit. He said and I quote, " If I want another doctrine shared in this church I will be the one to bring it". Oy veh. I half expected lightening to strike him at the haughtiness of his words. Later on in a Messianic synogogue, I learned very quickly, if you liked country music, to keep your mouth shut and not make that known. The leader would talk about you and tell you and others repeatedly, "that's not REAL music". Disagree with him on doctrine? He'd write a paper on it if you were a well known person in the Messianic world, and post it publically on his web site for all to see, so he could prove how wrong you were and in exactly what ways gaining the support of other who would of course agree with him. People were taught to dress modestly, but it was focused primarily on women and girls. The guys could be shirtless playing basketball, but girls skirts had to be below the knee, no sleeveless tops or cleavage showing. If a woman visited and had something too revealing on, she was given a sweater or coat to put on and had to keep it on until she left. One man at lunch time would make his daughters make his plate of food and serve it to him before they could eat so they would learn to be good wives who knew how to serve their future husband. Girls were betrothed, the boy asking the father permission to court his daughter. If the parents of both thought it was a good match and they all approved, then the betrothal was granted. They would be chaperoned until married so there was no chance of sexual sin before saying thier vows. Think this was only applied to young adults? Think again. I was in my late 40's and had to follow these same guidelines. It was terrifying in that when we went to a local park to have engagemnt photos done, my friend and photographer was telling us how to pose and to act naturally. I was hesitant to even hold hands for fear it would get back to our rabbi and that we would then be told he wouldn't marry us, or make us wait another year for having not followed the rules because there was to be no touching before marriage. Homeschooling was also a hot topic in the messianic shul. They based it on Psalms 1:1, "Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked, or set foot in the seat of mockers." They spoke often about how if you sent your children to public school , you were sending them to walk in the counsel of the wicked as it was full of secular thinking and ways, that the teachers would indoctrinate your children into the worlds ways of thinking and be led astray, and that they would be mocked for being different. All schools were thought to be bad, full of liberal thinkers and that their children would be taught evolution, read Harry Potter and the like and therefore learn witchcraft and paganism, and learn about other religions and cultures which would undo all the training thier parents and the shul had done. The sad part,ok one of the sad parts, was I watched these kids "graduate" with sub par academic skills. Most could barely spell and still can't very well. The girls were mainly taught piano and home economics type things like cooking, cleaning and sewing. From the pulpit, we often heard, "A woman's highest calling is to be a wife and mother". So in essence, those who felt led to be single or were widowed had absolutley no purpose. Boys were taught skills like mechanic work, landscaping and the like, with little to no focus on the value of academic learning. They were taught to be served, with the exception of a few mom's who taught their sons how to treat a woman with respect and value. For the most part, they were taught a vocation, that they were to one lead their family and be the head, and to study scripture. the emphasis of study was two fold. One ,everyone should know the Word, and two, they wanted to ensure this way of thinking would be passed on to the next generation, and that at least one of the boys would one day be educated enough in Torah to take over the shul should the leader ever retire or pass away. There were only 2 families our the whole congregation who sent their children to public school and they were ostracized and talked about. To be considered part of "the core group" you had to ascribe to all of the teachings of the leader. If you were in the core group, you were basically untouchable. The leaders would defend and support you. Politics played a part as well, whether it be church or shul , in these conservative congregations, everyone was a Republican with the exception of 2 people in one of the Messianic places I attended, and again, they were ostracized and belittled and eventually left. Everyone had a group think mindset. It's one thing to be a community and live in harmony with each other while maintaining your autonomy, and quite another to be a part of these groups. The moral of this post , is wherever you attend, if people are not allowed to peacfully and respectfully disagree and there is forced conformity, get out. Find a healthy community. Losing yourself is far too high a price. I highly recommend you read "A Church Called Tov". It has great information and clearly shows red flags to watch for. I hope you find this helpful.

Thankful Thursday

I am a few days late, but that is ok. Sometimes we have to give ourselves grace rather than a to do list. I am thankful for a surprise latte from my sweetie. I am thankful to have a new screen and battery in my used laptop. I am thankful to have seen some old friends today. I am thankful to have shared in the the celebration of life of a dear man and to know we will see each other again one day. I'm thankful for time with my husband, even if it turned out differently than we had planned. I'm thankful for this quiet time of day. I'm thankful for an anticipated road trip with a friend tomorrow.

Thankful Thursday

I am thankful to have this wonderful outlet again. I almost struggle getting on here to post though. It feels foreign now because it's been so long. I am thankful for my beloved husband. He truly has become my friend and confidant and I am grateful for that. I am thankful for the loss of some old (what I thought were friendships) as over time I discovered that while I loved those people very much, I was far more commited to tthe relationships than they were. That was the heartbreaking part. I grieved so very hard. Finding out yet again, that what I though was genuine, was not. I am thankful however, because it made way for new friendships that are healthy. I am thankful for new friends. I am thankful for the restoration of a few old friendships. I am thankful for a wonderful Bible Study each week with dear people that I treasure. I am thankful for safe spaces where I can be myself and be accepted for who I am. I don't have to hide my love for certain genres of music for fear of being ridiculed. I have spaceswhere I can safely share my feelings and thoughts and have trusted ones around me to help me process them all without being shamed. I am thankful God still uses me, even after my struggles to trust Him again. I am thankful for God's faithfulness and lovingkindness. What are you thankful for?

Whole Lotta Unlearning Going On

Whew, it's so wonderful to be able to write again.......last time was 2015. That's how long it's been since my last laptop died. I miss this, quiet time along to think, unwind, and just be.So much has happened.....many losses. Family that's passed, relationships lost, realizing that I will never be the old me , ever again. That last realization was the hardest. I spent years fighting to be the old me again, the me thatI was before the divorce and devastation. I so desperately wanted her back. I tried with everything I had, then one day, a dear friend said, "What if she's gone forever?" "What if you can't be her again, because she would again allow unhealthy relationships and wrong choices?" "What if , God is going to make you into someone new and better?" That hit like a ton of bricks. How do you grieve the loss of yourself? And yet I am, layer by painful layer. It's so hard. I miss the old me, at least parts. The parts that knew instinctively how to recall scripture as needed, or pray, and know what to pray, the part of me that had faith for any situation. I've become terrified to trust God fully, because He didn't do what I had hoped for and what I thought I needed. Instead, He let my world fall apart and come crumbling down. I know why, but that doesn't mean I liked it. You know that saying, " Better the devil I know than the one I don't?" That was my life. Life with my ex was one excruciating moment after another, mixed with just enough happiness to keep me holding on and hoping things would get better.....they would, but it was only ever temporary, then came the next betrayal, the next verbal assault, the next broken window, or knife driven into the wall by my face to make me fear that next time it would really be my face. It didn't help that I had pastors, yes, plural over the years, tell me " If I would pray more, fast more, anoint his side of the bed, his pillow, submit more, give him more sex etc., etc. that he would change, that he would be won over by my Godly behavior. Let me educate you, that does NOT and NEVER will work. That is a gross distortion of scripture taken out of context and used to continue promoting a mysogynistic, patriarchal system that is a breeding ground for abuse in unhealthy churches, synogogues and religious systems. If this is happening to you, do NOT be silent and get the help you need to get out. That mate will not change, they have no intention of changing and they don't care that they are hurting you. So, here I am , taking baby steps, trying to learn to trust God again. I wish there was an "easy" button I could push. The quandary of it all. Wanting to serve God, loving God, but not willing to trust. It's a process. At the same time , I've been deconstructing my faith. Getting back to basics as it were. The pandemic was a glorious opportunity to step back and assess it all for myself, shedding layers of what no longer fits, holding to on to what does. Discovering I can follow Torah, without being a legalistic , horrid person . Learning what it looks like to really love people for who they are and where they are. Learning that all those I saw over the years in Torah communities mocking others who liked a different kind of music, or had piercings and tattoos, or they were talking about how wrong people who attended a Sunday church were, they were the ones who were wrong, they were unloving and not compassionate. That behavior will never draw people to Yahweh. It will drive them away. Learning that I cannot deny the moving of the Ruach, which by the way usually wasn't felt in those communities. How I wish that Torah communities and churches would come together and realize they both have so much to offer, and that if they functioned together, they both have so much to offer each other. The Torah communities have such a rich history full of beautiful traditions, with beautiful meanings that lead and point to our Messiah. The church knows how to disciple and how to love the unlovely and doesn't shy away from the moving of the Ruach. If only they would see their need for each other and build bridges instead of chasms. Someday........... With all of this change, I've discovered I have something beautiful that I always wanted, a husband who was also my best friend. We have become so very close, and I've discovered I really can talk to him about anything, even hard things. Is this new? Not really. When we met I talked to him about tons of things. It's gone to new levels though. I can depend on him on my really hard days, days when it's hard to put my feelings into words, days when I want to just cry, or go for a drive to decompress. I am so very thankful for him. He has grown so much over the years. I'm so very proud of the man God is shaping. He absolutely amazes me. I am thankful too for beautiful new friendships. People who are emotionally healthy and not toxic. I am thankful for a few old relationships that have been reestablished and are doing well. I have sweet sisters in my life who cheer me on, who gently guide me in my faith and help keep me on track and keep me from derailing. Well, I think that is enough catching up for now. My old blog friend, it is nice to be back again.

American Sniper

American Sniper is the story of a true American, Chris Kyle. He signed up for military service at the age of 30 . He became a Navy Seal. With a deep sense of patriotism and a love of country, he was driven to defend that which he loved.

He didn't want to write his story at first, but learning others were going to tell his story if he didn't, and wanting it accurate, and wanting to preserve and retell the story of his brothers whom he loved, he wrote the account of his time in the Seals and the 4 tours he survived.

This story not only tells of the lives lost, lives saved, and lives forever changed, it wonderfully depicts the greatest battle of all that any service man who has served time in battle faces, the fight to again find himself, the person he was before being deployed.When they come home, it is near impossible to un-see what they have seen , to un-hear what they have heard, to un-live what they have lived.

We have all seen the stories on the news of men who made it home, but didn't make the journey back to self , to normalcy. We have heard of the suicides and murders by those who could not find their way, who struggled and lost the fight with PTSD.

Chris fought and won, and sought to help others find their way. Even here at home, he was still serving his brothers, still fighting to save lives. It was in doing so that this valiant, courageous, selfless hero lost his life.

I feel in a way I know him in some small way. He carried traits I admire and seek to emulate; fierce loyalty, love of family, patriotism, a tenacity to do what is right.

I salute you Chris Kyle. You truly were and always will be a hero. Words of thanks will never be enough for all you gave, all you endured.

I thank you Taya Kyle , his wife, for your service and great sacrifice. If you don't think the spouses of those who serve, aren't also serving and sacrificing, I have a news flash for you, they sacrifice as much as those abroad.

To his children , G-d bless you. May the traits your father had, also live in you. Thank you for sharing your father with all of us here in the country he loved. I pray you continue to make him proud.

To his parents, words will never describe the pain of your loss. Thank you for raising such an incredible son.

If you have not read American Sniper or seen the film, do. Yes there is language, yes it is graphic. It is about war and war is hell. Through it I think you will earn a respect for our  military men and women you may not have had before.

I thank you Chris Kyle for the man you were and for changing and impacting my life through sharing who you were, for sharing not just your accomplishments, but also your struggles, for your genuineness and humility. May your memory forever be blessed.

For more information about Chris Kyle, look here. http://www.chriskyleamericansniper.info/

Prodigals

For any Moms or Dads out there with a prodigal, here is a great picture of the war being waged over their life and soul. Would you share this blog and let's intercede for our babies to be where they belong. Let's pray them into the arms of our loving Father who waits to welcome them along with us. Let's not grow weary in seeking G-d's face on behalf of our babies, even as we see things sometimes get worse. Let's speak life over them while we wait their return not just to us but to the Holy One.