Torn

Erev Shabbat....Glorious smell of a fresh cooked meal permeates the house. It smells warm and inviting. Company arrives. Warm hugs and smiles. Lots of laughter. Comfort in being me. Confidence. Wine. Candle lighting and prayers shared among friends. A closeness of fellowship and unity in Messiah. Spiritual hunger.  Feeling the excitement of being used by God again after feeling I had been put on a shelf to collect dust and wither. Fueled by the passion of sharing who God really is and sharing the Jewishness of our Messiah, a side of Him they haven't known. Wonderful conversation and questions. God is so good. Recollecting fond family memories. The candles slowly burn down as time has flown by.

Shabbat morning....I don't want to go. Abba help me change my attitude until I get an answer. Apprehension. Knowing something very loved will be missing. Seemingly endless drive. The arrival...what to do, who to visit with. Is it safe to be here? Find some friendly faces and a few warm hugs. Ok, maybe this will be okay.
Things out of place remind me. Oh, Abba, this doesn't feel right. Help me. Worship begins. The floodgates begin. Can't stop. Oh, Abba, this pain is deep, grief, agony, overwhelming. How can I worship like this? Help me worship You in the midst Lord. I want to worship You. I hear the Kaddish in my mind. Endless tears. Will this ever stop? Need a distraction. Go find distracting conversation. This feels so wrong! How can they smile?! Righteous anger. Justice Lord, please! It feels so empty here. Finally time to go home. Escape to my safe place.

Please Lord, I need Your wisdom, Your peace, Your guidance. This pain runs deep. The frustration. So many emotions running together, colliding. Abba, please sort them out. Give me Your self control. Guide my steps and my words.