A Continuing Jouney

I loved finding this book in a gift shop! At first sight, I thought to myself, "This would be a great topic for a blog!" I knew exactly what I wanted it to be about.

Well, our plans are not always God's plans. As I lay in bed Monday night, I was re-directed by God. He told me its focus should be on my experiences, to focus on what I thought I once knew.

I'll start at the beginning, as all stories should have a beginning point.

As a very  small girl, I thought I knew where home was. My earliest memories are of living with my grandparents. Intermitently, I would live with my mom for short periods of time. In this back and forth of living situation, it led to my next thought.

I thought no one wanted me. In moving back and forth between my grandparents home and my mothers, I thought neither wanted me. In reality, both my grandparents and my mom wanted me. A child's vision is very different though. They feel rather than see. I had no way of knowing the struggle between my grandparents and my mom, and no one took time to fully explain or help me understand the scope of what was taking place. The end result being, this little girl who was being fought over, felt alone, abandoned, and unwanted.

This feeling has carried on into adulthood. Perpetuated , by what I thought were friends , hurting me, betraying me, making fun, and my own lack of understanding of what a friend looked like, I felt feelings of being unwanted.

Thankfully, over many years, God in His faithfulness, taught me the different levels of relationship. He taught me what a friend looked like, what an acquaintance is, what a best friend is. I no longer confuse them, which means I no longer pour myself into people who will feed the rejection so much. God has given me some very special freinds who nurture and encourage me.

I thought my family would always outlive me. I never dreamed of the day my grandfather would not be there for me. He was my only dad growing up. He was my buddy, my friend, my source of fun and laughter, my defender, my everything.

At 16, my everything was taken away by leukemia. I'll never forget that pain. Almost daily, something reminds me of him. I'll see his face, his smile. I'll hear his voice. I'll remember the first Thanksgiving dinner I cooked days before he passed. I'll remember hours of sitting in his lap....water fights...getting greasy under the hood of his Chevy...hammering nails in the fence with him...then....changing the tire on grandma's car because he was  ill...calling the ambulance...the long ride to the hospital...the dreaded phone call...the funeral...the pain, days,weeks and years of pain at his loss. My whole world changed. My champion was no more. Later, God would show me He was and is my champion. He became my everything. He would be my defender.

I thought my mom never wanted me. When I was 9, she moved to Alaska. I was given the chance to go , but my grandmother had convinced me Alaska was for igloos and Eskimos, and at 9, that was all I could envision of it. At 16, after losing my grandpa, something in me caused me to hunt for my mom, her address, phone number , something had to lead me to where she was. I found her number hidden in my grandmothers things. I got a roll of quarters and had my boyfriend take me to a payphone. Years of being told by my grandmother how no good my mother was, I knew not to ask to call from home. I called the number I found. My mom got on the phone, and after 7 years, instantly knew my voice and began to cry. That next Christmas, I took the bonds grandpa had purchased and saved for me, cashed them in and bought a plane ticket to Alaska. I spent a week and a half with my mom and sister. I got to ask the hard questions.."Where have you been all this time?" , "Why didn't you come get me?" , "Didn't you want me?", Why didn't I get a card or present in all that time?". She explained she had wanted me. My grandmother threatened to have her put in a mental institution if she didn't let her have me, and after years of the fight, she simply couldn't take any more. She had sent cards and gifts, I just didn't get them.

Finally, after years of not knowing, not understanding, I had some answers, even if it left other questions forever unanswered. I'll never know why my grandmother felt it necessary to keep me from my mom. I'll never know why my grandmother was so controlling and manipulative. I'm still left with some degree of confusion because my mom and grandmother both have different sides of what happened why, and neither would say their story was wrong. Will I never really know the entire truth , no, not in that situation. Years later, after my mom had passed at the age of 59 from a cancerous brain tumor, I lay on my friends floor at a prayer meeting one night, asking God why. Why with everyone I loved were they taken away, whether by death or other circumstances. He answered. He wanted mee to depend solely on Him. So was He cruel to me? No. He was using what happened to teach me to hear His voice, to wait for it, listen for it. He wanted me totally intertwined in Him and I have been.

I thought my grandfather was my dad. At 9, I met my real one for the first time. At 21 I spent time with  him when he came to Seattle with some of his new family, then later that year when I went to North Dakota, and again in 2005 and in 2008. I love him dearly. I am truly a daddy's girl, from my beloved grandpa, to my real dad. I love snuggling with my dad, even at my age, and letting him run his fingers through my hair as we talk and cry together. That relationship though, is also clouded in mystery and questions. My mom related stories of why she left him when she was pregnant with me and why she kept me from him  growing up. From my dad I hear a completely different story. How I wish I could gather these people and ghosts in one room, to confront them each to get the truth, just once.

I thought I knew what love and marriage looked like, or what they should be. Those concepts also came crashing down with unfaithfulness, immaturity, selfishness, abuse, betrayal, deceit, lies, and a host of other things. In my low self esteem, I ran to every guy who would give me the smallest amount of attention, feeling that finally, I'd feel validated. By the time I was in my 20's, I was continually asking, "Is my life destined to be filled with only pain?". After an 18 year relationship, again my world came crashing down. Again, a pain I will never forget, which led to panic attacks, more feelings of rejection and being unwanted. The pain drove me to a day I drove around in my car, having a massive panic attack/nervous breakdown that walked me to the edge of life and death. I drove, gun in lap, looking for somewhere to end the pain, once and for all. Thankfully, God, and someone He sent to rescue me from myself, prevented me from doing something rash.  Please do not think I wallow in self pity . I do not! Walk even a few years of my life though, and see how well you fare under the weight of all the things I've had to walk through, endure, and survive, with more often than not, no one to help me navigate through, groping through darkness as a blind person struggling to find the road to walk on without someone yanking the rug out from under me.

I thought my children would always be with me. Wrong again. Loss of jobs, led to loss of apartment and no where to go. Living with others, spending days in my car, or at a part time job I found, and nights in someones spare room, meant my children ended up with their dad. The plan was he would care for them till I was back on my feet. Sounded like the perfect solution. Wrong again. He ended up with custody, moved so often I eventually could no longer track him, and for 7 years I didn't see my babies and hadn't the foggiest where they were. Every holiday was full of emptiness and pain. Their birthdays and mother's day  were the very worst. I began drinking every night to try and numb it all. I engaged in some not so safe things. I didn't want to feel anymore. God was still there. God was still watching, trying to draw me back. He patiently waited for me to come to the end of myself. He waited for me to return to the One who really loved me all along. I did come back, only this time with a vengeance. I would not walk away again even though things still tried to rock my world. I would have struggles, but never walked away. He promised me my children and I would be united again. That has happened with one, my daughter. I'm waiting for my son and holding on to God's promise to me.

I thought faith  communities were loving, safe places, where people were emotionally healthy, knew how to love and not mistreat others like those in the world. So very wrong again. I've seen some , who were supposedly full of God's love, do some atrocious things, cause terrible pain, act cruelly and cause some to walk away from God.

I thought at different times my faith was strong, then along would come a circumstance that would test it to the point I questioned if I had any. Thankfully, those times do not last. The loving Father walks us through. He sends His angels to protect. He sends messengers in the form of friends, who come along, pick us up and carry us when needed. He speaks to us. We can when we most need Him , hear Him whisper, " I love you so much my precious little one. Climb up on my lap and I'll hold you and kiss your boo boos. I'll mend that broken heart of yours, if you'll just give Me the pieces. I'll give you gems of experiences of immeasurable wealth,  if You'll give me that broken memory you're holding on to. I'll carry you, I want to, if only you'll stop trying to walk in your own strength. I'll be your father, if you give me the image of the imperfect one in your heart. I'll be the best husband you've ever had,  if you'll submit to Me and let Me lead, let Me love you.

Each day, or at least each week, I find what I thought I knew or held on to, and God says, " Let me show you what you thought you knew, as I fill you with what I know and with My truth.

In each of these circumstances and so many more, He has been true to His word, working all things together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. The enemy came to me many times, to steal, kill and destroy...and God said, no you don't! You take your hands off my baby girl, she's Mine!

This is a continual journey without end. A journey that will lead us to a happy ending, only if we let it.