Abuse...What does it look like?

In tho photo above, you see a list of some components of abuse. Abuse can be physical, sexual, verbal, psychological, spiritual and on the list goes.

A recent event brought this to the surface of my mind again. To start, let's identify what it can look like in various forms.

Elder Abuse/Neglect : The aged community make some of the easiest targets for abusers. Some abuse is physical, especially if they are infirmed in some way. Relatives, or caregivers have been caught on video beating the elderly.
One such video was on the news. A family member suspected the caregiver of abusing her aged father. She set up a hidden video camera in his room, and sure enough, unprovoked he was beaten. Thankfully, because of the evidence this person was convicted.
Another form of abuse the aged can fall victim to in financial abuse. People in their elder years who may have accumulated a small savings, oft end up bilked out of every penny. They are sometimes quick to feel compassion for someone with a hard luck story. Once the perpetrator sees their plan worked, they will continue the ruse with sob story after sob story till the well runs dry.
Even more appalling is some, usually women fall victim to sexual abuse because they aren't in a position to put up a fight.

Some people will choose disabled individuals as their target , mind you they may be child or adult and every form of abuse imaginable is inflicted upon them.

Verbal Abuse: Occurs when one person uses words and body language to inappropriately criticize another person. Verbal abuse often involves 'putdowns' and name-calling intended to make the victim feel they are not worthy of love or respect, and that they do not have ability or talent. If the victim speaks up against these statements, they are often told that the criticisms were "just a joke", and that it is their own problem that they do not find the joke funny. They may also be told that no abuse is happening; that it is "all in their head". Verbal abuse is dangerous because it is often not easily recognized as abuse, and therefore it can go on for extended periods, causing severe damage to victim's self-esteem and self-worth.

This can look like: Being told they are ashamed to be seen with you. Being told you're no good and you'll never amount to anything. Being told you're ugly, fat, stupid, etc., and no one else would want you. Being told you're useless. Being told none of their friends like you and don't come over because of you. Sarcastic , mean comments couched as " I was only kidding". Being told you can't do anything right. The list for this can be extensive. I'm sure at some point, most of us have heard at least some of these statements. I know I have.

Psychological Abuse (also known as mental abuse or emotional abuse):  Occurs when one person controls information available to another person so as to manipulate that person's sense of reality; what is acceptable and what is not acceptable. Psychological abuse often contains strong emotionally manipulative content designed to force the victim to comply with the abuser's wishes. It may be emotional abuse in this sense when it is designed to cause emotional pain to victims or to “mess with their heads” in attempts to gain compliance and counter any resistance. Alternatively, psychological abuse may occur when one victim is forced to watch another be abused in some fashion (verbally, emotionally, physically or sexually). Like verbal abuse, psychological abuse is often not recognized as abuse early on and can result in serious psychological after effects later on.

What does this look like? You name it. Finding evidence your mate is being unfaithful and when confronting them being told you're making it all up, you're paranoid, you're crazy. Say you distinctly remember them saying something, and when you bring it up they vehemently deny it to the point you question it yourself. You may start to second guess everything. This throws you completely off base making you question if what you think happened really did, or did you imagine or dream it. I've been here too.

Sexual Abuse: I think I don't need to go into detail here. Due to the age of possible readers, I don't care to elaborate here. Suffice to say, if you've ever been told it's your fault, you asked for it and the like, or was made to go further than you wanted, it qualifies. Let me say too, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! Whatever threats you may have been told, don't believe them. They are a manipulative tool used to keep you from telling. GO TELL!

Neglect:  Occurs when a person fails to provide for the basic needs of one or more dependent victims he or she is responsible for. Basic needs include adequate and appropriate food, shelter, clothing, hygiene, and love or care. The idea of neglect presupposes that the neglectful person is capable of being responsible in the first place. For example, it is neglect when an employed parent fails to care for their child adequately. It is still neglect when a parent is unable to provide for their child despite their best efforts due to extreme poverty or illness, but the neglect is perhaps mitigated by the circumstances. Neglect can only happen to dependent persons. For this reason, it most typically involves children or dependent elders who are not taken care of properly by their families or caregivers.

Self explanatory here. If you see signs of it, either a person dropping weight or can't gain weight, doesn't have clean clothes, looks unkempt, please report it!

One I must throw in here is Neglect/Manipulation/Control: Do you have love or affection withheld from you if you don't do what they want? Are you given the silent treatment, or ignored? This also is abuse. They do this to make you do what they,  want when they want and how they want. Are you deprived of access to a vehicle, phone, money?  Withholding affection from you is neglect and is a manipulative, controlling tool. Denying you access to car or cash is because they are afraid you would leave! Get out!

Physical Abuse:  Occurs when one person uses physical pain or threat of physical force to intimidate another person. Actual physical abuse may involve simple slaps or pushes, or it may involve a full on physical beating complete with punching, kicking, hair pulling, scratching, and real physical damage sufficient in some cases to require hospitalization. In particularly violent instances, people can die from the injuries they sustain while being physically abused. Physical abuse is abusive whether bruises or physical damage occur or not. Physical abuse may involve the mere threat of physical violence if the victim does not comply with the wishes of the abuser, and still be considered physical abuse.

I was witness to this just yesterday. I saw a man hit a woman in her side. She ran into her apartment , locking the door. He broke the door in. I called the police thinking they would come in with blaring sirens and flashing lights within seconds , especially when I specified this as a domestic violence call. I heard lot of bumping and thumping which I presumed was her hitting walls as she was tossed around. I heard her screams. I broke into a sweat. My heart pounded. He left. Finally 10-15 minutes later the police arrived. She could have been dead by then . These situations can escalate at the speed of light. I cannot tell you how very angry I was that it took them so long. Her relatives came. I saw her limping to the car to be seen at the hospital. I saw her again today, wearing a leg brace.

Another scenario: I'm 6 or 7, laying in bed with my little sister, four years younger than I. It's a weekend. I hear my mom and her husband in their room. He wants her to get up and make coffee. She wants a little more time to just relax before getting up. He's not getting his way. Things escalate. I hear my mom being beaten with his belt, like he would do to me, only not as severe as what I was hearing. She is screaming. I lay frozen. I'm a little girl. What can I do against this guy who terrifies me? She eventually comes running to our room and lays between us. In he comes with a bucket of ice water and dumps it on all 3 of us.

Example 2: I had a friend who's mom would be locked into her home every day when her husband left for work. Oh, and he would take the phones with him. God help her if there had ever been a fire or medical emergency.

Example 3: High school boyfriend. First love (or so I thought). Four and a half years of barely being allowed to hang with my girlfriends because he was paranoid they were trying to hook me up with someone else. In between classes, he had friends of his follow me and report to him if I talked to any guys, even friends I had known since grade school. If I did, there was hell to pay . Did I mention he could talk to whoever he wanted and that was supposed to be ok. Got into an argument one time, I was hit and karate kicked till I was bruised on my arms and legs. I went to school in late spring wearing long sleeves. I was made to hide in the closet if his folks came over. Sometimes they would stay for over an hour. I was told I was fat and he was ashamed to be seen with me. I quit eating for 3 days till I almost passed out. I went on a crash diet and exercise routine that summer so he'd hold my hand when we walked down the hall at school.

Example 4: Me again. Married 15 years, with him for 18. This list is way too long, so I'll just give you the short version. Unfaithfulness every 3 or so years, so I felt inadequate. So much so, I stayed, convinced no one else would want me or care. Told I was ugly, lazy , etc. Screamed at at such a close range, my ears would ring for hours afterward. Pinned to the wall or floor by my then long hair. Grabbed, cornered. Things thrown at or near me. Couch flipped over while I was on it. Knife stabbed into to arm of the couch inches from my arm. Car windows busted while I was in the car. Phone ripped out of the wall so I can't call for help. Spit on. Coffee thrown at me, and yes, it was hot. Told it was all my fault. Told it was all in my head, I was crazy.....

Do guys like this start out looking abusive? No. They often come off as very charming and sweet, charismatic. Everyone loves them. This is intentional! Why? So you'll fall for them, and once you're hooked, all hell breaks loose. The 2nd reason is so they are perceived as so nice and kind and fun, if you do try to tell, no one believes you or thinks it must be you're fault because _____ isn't usually like that at all.

Please, do me a favor, if any of this has happened to you or someone you know, TELL. Keep telling till someone, anyone believes you and is willing to help. I know it's scary to think of leaving what you're used to no matter how much you hate it. Do it anyway! The outside world  is a lot less scary than the situation you're in. There is help. There are people who care for you. Don't believe the lies. They want to keep you trapped!

Call a domestic violence hot line. Call 911. Call a friend. Call a Pastor. Keep calling till you get the help you need. You ARE worth it! You DESERVE it! There is a wonderful, glorious life waiting for you on the other side of abuse. It's there for the taking. Yes, it will take some time and work to reprogram yourself, to find your voice and self worth, but what a wonderful feeling when you decide you deserve better, that you have value! You CAN do it. You can have a better life, better than you ever dared to hope for or imagine. Take a chance on you. You are wonderful! You have value! You are beautiful! You can do anything and be anything you put your mind to!

Make a change today. Don't wait. You may not get another chance .