Yartzeit

Today marks the 8th year anniversary of my Mom's passing. I spent my work day trying to block it out so I could get through my day. I waited until I got home and had time to myself to reflect on all my memories of her, most of which were by phone.

Let me introduce you to the strongest woman I've ever known, and probably ever will. Her birth name was Karen Lea Brown. She was born in a town in North Dakota, at first living on a farm. It was a hard childhood. There wasn't a lot of money and times were hard. She grew and eventually married my Dad. She became pregnant with me and left him, and moved to Washington.

When I was 4 , she had my sister Tonda. From what I was told, she drove herself to the hospital to have her. I barely remember Tonda coming. You see, I didn't live with Mom much. There is a long story to that, that maybe will be covered another time.

I remember living with Mom when Tonda was small. We lived in what Mom called her doll house. It was light blue with white trim and white picket fence.

I remember Mom working at Rocky's hot dog stand. It was in the Sears parking lot on 1st and Lander in Seattle. Rocky was sweet . Mom always looked so beautiful.

My next memory is of me at 6-ish. I was living with my Grandparents. Mom and her husband Tom came over. Grandma came to my room and said Mom was going to let her keep me and wanted to say good bye. I went to the back  door to see Mom and say good bye. She hugged me, picked me up , handed me to Tom , and she and Tom went running down the driveway to his car. I remember screaming for my Grandparents. Grandma tried to come get me and Tom shoved her away and she fell. I didn't know what was going on. I then lived with Mom for about a year. I don't remember much about that time, only short snippets. I remember the name of the school, Cascade View Elementary off Military road somewhere. I remember playing in the yard. I remember the day I was on the back of a bike and my toe was caught in the spokes and they had to rush me in to ER for stitches. I remember Tom being very mean, he once broke a yard stick spanking me. Then one morning, as I lay awake in bed with Tonda, I could hear Mom and Tom arguing because he was demanding she get up and make him coffee. She just wanted to rest a bit more. Then I heard him hitting her with his belt and her trying not to scream loud. Later she came and got in bed with Tonda and I . Tom then came in with a container of cold water and dumped it on us.

I went back to my Grandparents. Then at around 8 or 9, I lived with Mom again in South Park and attended Concord Elementary. I have a few memories of some neighborhood kids and our neighbors. I remember on payday Mom giving us allowance and we'd go buy penny and nickel candy and spend forever trading pieces back and forth. I remember Mom taking us to Cherry Daze for shirley temples and I'd always get extra cherries.

Then, one night, although I don't remember it, Tonda and I were woken up and taken to our Grandparents. Mom had been shot while at work. She was working at a bar. A man came in and began ordering drinks, then after a while he pulled a gun and told Mom to go into the back, as she was waalking , he shot her in the back of her head. Somehow, she survived, but with some small fragments behind, they were too close to the brain for the doctors to get, they feared causing permanent damage.

Back to living with my Grandparents again. I was 9 now. Mom had decided to move to Alaska. My Grandmother convinced my 9 year old mind, that Alaska was full of nothing but igloos and Eskimos. As a result, when Mom asked if I wanted to go with  , I said no. I missed getting to grow up with her. Having been apart form my own children for 7 years when they were young, I can now look back and imagine her pain over my choice. She did what she thought best and let me decide.

Several years passed. I lost my Grandfather at 16, the only Dad I had ever had growing up. I began wondering about Mom again as I sometimes did. I was 16 or 17 now. Wondering why I never got a letter, a card, a gift on special days. I dug through my Grandmother's things one day while she was out and found my Mom's number  and address hidden away. I took that weeks allowance and got a roll of quarters. I had my boyfriend take me to a pay phone. I called the number nervously. A voice answered and I asked for Karen. she said it was, and instantly began to cry. She recognized me! After all those years, and my voice changing and maturing , she still knew me. That meant so much to me that day! I had so many missing pieces to the puzzle of my life. I had been given so few sufficient answers to my questions. Now, I had a puzzle piece back. We kept in touch with me calling about once a month.

I flew to see her at 17. She instantly recognized me at the airport. It felt so good. Her hugs, her smell, her face. I stayed about a week and a half, may be two weeks. It was the only Christmas I can remember with her,  although I know time-wise, there were a few I couldn't remember.

She and my sister flew down when I was 18. It ws wonderful seeing her and my sister again! It was short, but valuable for me. She had become my champion, defender and cheerleader. I knew she loved me. I had waited a long time to feel that.

I saw her next when my youngest was a baby, under a year. Mom flew down and I got to see her a few times while she was in Washington. She always loved me no matter what I was doing.

Next I saw her at the airport when she was moving from Alaska to Texas. She had a layover at SeaTac. It was only a few short hours, but priceless to me. I'd have gone for 5 minutes with her.

I treasured every phone call with her. She had a tradition of calling extremely early every year on my birthday. It meant the world to her to be the first to call and wish me Happy Birthday. I looked forward to it every year. We spent so many hours on the phone over the years. In '99  I got a cell with unlimited long distance and then there was no dollar amount stopping our conversations. I'd call her on my drives to work just to talk and hear her voice. It was my lifeline to her. Neither of us could afford to travel and see each other, so I used the tool I had to work with. We got to know each other pretty well over the years. I could talk to her about absolutely anything! With her I could laugh, cry, vent, whatever. She was always available when I called, as if time stopped for us both.

In 2003 I got a frightening call from my sister. Mom was in the hospital. She'd had a stroke a year or so prior and recovered, but was having memory problems and falling. They were running tests of all kinds and had done a biopsy. I wanted to go see her so badly! Some acquaintances heard my story, and told me to come to their home. They gave me a check for the amount of airfare to see my Mom. I flew down and a friend of my sister's picked me up and drove me to Mom's house. I got there late, it had to have been 10 or 11 at night and Mom had just been released from the hospital that day. I entered her home. She was sitting in her chair in the living room. The first things out of her mouth was "Get over here and sit on Mom's lap". I was apprehensive with her just getting out of the hospital , but she insisted. I was 38 and happily sitting on my Mommy's lap hugging. I never wanted to leave that spot. She called her doctor every day , only to be told they didn't have her results yet. Then came the day of her oncologist appointment. I went with her and her husband Jimmy, a wonderful man.
The doctor gave her a diagnosis with a mile long name. She told him to give it to her in layman's terms. He said "You have the fastest growing, most aggressive form of cancer you can get. It's brain cancer and inoperable. We will do chemo and radiation, but it won't cure it" She asked how long she had. He replied" Ma'am , I'd be surprised if you made it a year. I sat there with her stunned. I went to the restroom, cried, cleaned up my face and make up and went back in. We left and went to lunch then home.

She was amazing that day. she called her sisters and brother and gave them the news. She had Jimmy get her special things out of her china hutch and marked which things went to Tonda, and which to me. I was there a week and a half I think. She was strong the whole time. She made sure we had fun and laughs. I went home, and three weeks later , got the dreaded call that she was gone. I remember telling my sister I was going to finish getting ready for work after our call. Well, the shock wore off after getting off the phone and I called in to work to tell them I would not be there that day. I called my Mom's favorite Aunt that I knew quite well. She and my Great Uncle paid my plane fare to Texas for Mom's memorial.

She was the strongest , most amazing woman I'm sure I'll ever know. She foster parented while in Alaska, always taking in kids needing a home. While raising my sister, she worked 2 and 3 jobs at a time to make ends meet.  When I would struggle she always encouraged me telling me I could make it through. She could always make me smile. For 8 years now I've missed those early morning birthday calls. All that remains now are my few pictures of her, my scattered childhood memories and hours , probably years worth of wonderful, valuable phone conversations. I treasure each one trying to hang on to the memory of her voice and her phrases she'd use.

On this, the anniversary of the ever dreaded call that no one wants, ever, I remember you Mom. My friend, my confidant, my shoulder to cry one, my hero. I love you Mom and always will, that will surely not fade with time.