Thankful Thursday

I am a few days late, but that is ok. Sometimes we have to give ourselves grace rather than a to do list. I am thankful for a surprise latte from my sweetie. I am thankful to have a new screen and battery in my used laptop. I am thankful to have seen some old friends today. I am thankful to have shared in the the celebration of life of a dear man and to know we will see each other again one day. I'm thankful for time with my husband, even if it turned out differently than we had planned. I'm thankful for this quiet time of day. I'm thankful for an anticipated road trip with a friend tomorrow.

Thankful Thursday

I am thankful to have this wonderful outlet again. I almost struggle getting on here to post though. It feels foreign now because it's been so long. I am thankful for my beloved husband. He truly has become my friend and confidant and I am grateful for that. I am thankful for the loss of some old (what I thought were friendships) as over time I discovered that while I loved those people very much, I was far more commited to tthe relationships than they were. That was the heartbreaking part. I grieved so very hard. Finding out yet again, that what I though was genuine, was not. I am thankful however, because it made way for new friendships that are healthy. I am thankful for new friends. I am thankful for the restoration of a few old friendships. I am thankful for a wonderful Bible Study each week with dear people that I treasure. I am thankful for safe spaces where I can be myself and be accepted for who I am. I don't have to hide my love for certain genres of music for fear of being ridiculed. I have spaceswhere I can safely share my feelings and thoughts and have trusted ones around me to help me process them all without being shamed. I am thankful God still uses me, even after my struggles to trust Him again. I am thankful for God's faithfulness and lovingkindness. What are you thankful for?

Whole Lotta Unlearning Going On

Whew, it's so wonderful to be able to write again.......last time was 2015. That's how long it's been since my last laptop died. I miss this, quiet time along to think, unwind, and just be.So much has happened.....many losses. Family that's passed, relationships lost, realizing that I will never be the old me , ever again. That last realization was the hardest. I spent years fighting to be the old me again, the me thatI was before the divorce and devastation. I so desperately wanted her back. I tried with everything I had, then one day, a dear friend said, "What if she's gone forever?" "What if you can't be her again, because she would again allow unhealthy relationships and wrong choices?" "What if , God is going to make you into someone new and better?" That hit like a ton of bricks. How do you grieve the loss of yourself? And yet I am, layer by painful layer. It's so hard. I miss the old me, at least parts. The parts that knew instinctively how to recall scripture as needed, or pray, and know what to pray, the part of me that had faith for any situation. I've become terrified to trust God fully, because He didn't do what I had hoped for and what I thought I needed. Instead, He let my world fall apart and come crumbling down. I know why, but that doesn't mean I liked it. You know that saying, " Better the devil I know than the one I don't?" That was my life. Life with my ex was one excruciating moment after another, mixed with just enough happiness to keep me holding on and hoping things would get better.....they would, but it was only ever temporary, then came the next betrayal, the next verbal assault, the next broken window, or knife driven into the wall by my face to make me fear that next time it would really be my face. It didn't help that I had pastors, yes, plural over the years, tell me " If I would pray more, fast more, anoint his side of the bed, his pillow, submit more, give him more sex etc., etc. that he would change, that he would be won over by my Godly behavior. Let me educate you, that does NOT and NEVER will work. That is a gross distortion of scripture taken out of context and used to continue promoting a mysogynistic, patriarchal system that is a breeding ground for abuse in unhealthy churches, synogogues and religious systems. If this is happening to you, do NOT be silent and get the help you need to get out. That mate will not change, they have no intention of changing and they don't care that they are hurting you. So, here I am , taking baby steps, trying to learn to trust God again. I wish there was an "easy" button I could push. The quandary of it all. Wanting to serve God, loving God, but not willing to trust. It's a process. At the same time , I've been deconstructing my faith. Getting back to basics as it were. The pandemic was a glorious opportunity to step back and assess it all for myself, shedding layers of what no longer fits, holding to on to what does. Discovering I can follow Torah, without being a legalistic , horrid person . Learning what it looks like to really love people for who they are and where they are. Learning that all those I saw over the years in Torah communities mocking others who liked a different kind of music, or had piercings and tattoos, or they were talking about how wrong people who attended a Sunday church were, they were the ones who were wrong, they were unloving and not compassionate. That behavior will never draw people to Yahweh. It will drive them away. Learning that I cannot deny the moving of the Ruach, which by the way usually wasn't felt in those communities. How I wish that Torah communities and churches would come together and realize they both have so much to offer, and that if they functioned together, they both have so much to offer each other. The Torah communities have such a rich history full of beautiful traditions, with beautiful meanings that lead and point to our Messiah. The church knows how to disciple and how to love the unlovely and doesn't shy away from the moving of the Ruach. If only they would see their need for each other and build bridges instead of chasms. Someday........... With all of this change, I've discovered I have something beautiful that I always wanted, a husband who was also my best friend. We have become so very close, and I've discovered I really can talk to him about anything, even hard things. Is this new? Not really. When we met I talked to him about tons of things. It's gone to new levels though. I can depend on him on my really hard days, days when it's hard to put my feelings into words, days when I want to just cry, or go for a drive to decompress. I am so very thankful for him. He has grown so much over the years. I'm so very proud of the man God is shaping. He absolutely amazes me. I am thankful too for beautiful new friendships. People who are emotionally healthy and not toxic. I am thankful for a few old relationships that have been reestablished and are doing well. I have sweet sisters in my life who cheer me on, who gently guide me in my faith and help keep me on track and keep me from derailing. Well, I think that is enough catching up for now. My old blog friend, it is nice to be back again.

American Sniper

American Sniper is the story of a true American, Chris Kyle. He signed up for military service at the age of 30 . He became a Navy Seal. With a deep sense of patriotism and a love of country, he was driven to defend that which he loved.

He didn't want to write his story at first, but learning others were going to tell his story if he didn't, and wanting it accurate, and wanting to preserve and retell the story of his brothers whom he loved, he wrote the account of his time in the Seals and the 4 tours he survived.

This story not only tells of the lives lost, lives saved, and lives forever changed, it wonderfully depicts the greatest battle of all that any service man who has served time in battle faces, the fight to again find himself, the person he was before being deployed.When they come home, it is near impossible to un-see what they have seen , to un-hear what they have heard, to un-live what they have lived.

We have all seen the stories on the news of men who made it home, but didn't make the journey back to self , to normalcy. We have heard of the suicides and murders by those who could not find their way, who struggled and lost the fight with PTSD.

Chris fought and won, and sought to help others find their way. Even here at home, he was still serving his brothers, still fighting to save lives. It was in doing so that this valiant, courageous, selfless hero lost his life.

I feel in a way I know him in some small way. He carried traits I admire and seek to emulate; fierce loyalty, love of family, patriotism, a tenacity to do what is right.

I salute you Chris Kyle. You truly were and always will be a hero. Words of thanks will never be enough for all you gave, all you endured.

I thank you Taya Kyle , his wife, for your service and great sacrifice. If you don't think the spouses of those who serve, aren't also serving and sacrificing, I have a news flash for you, they sacrifice as much as those abroad.

To his children , G-d bless you. May the traits your father had, also live in you. Thank you for sharing your father with all of us here in the country he loved. I pray you continue to make him proud.

To his parents, words will never describe the pain of your loss. Thank you for raising such an incredible son.

If you have not read American Sniper or seen the film, do. Yes there is language, yes it is graphic. It is about war and war is hell. Through it I think you will earn a respect for our  military men and women you may not have had before.

I thank you Chris Kyle for the man you were and for changing and impacting my life through sharing who you were, for sharing not just your accomplishments, but also your struggles, for your genuineness and humility. May your memory forever be blessed.

For more information about Chris Kyle, look here. http://www.chriskyleamericansniper.info/

Prodigals

For any Moms or Dads out there with a prodigal, here is a great picture of the war being waged over their life and soul. Would you share this blog and let's intercede for our babies to be where they belong. Let's pray them into the arms of our loving Father who waits to welcome them along with us. Let's not grow weary in seeking G-d's face on behalf of our babies, even as we see things sometimes get worse. Let's speak life over them while we wait their return not just to us but to the Holy One.

A Movie Review:Les Miserables

My Journey: Clarity

Whoever knows he is deep, strives for clarity; whoever would like to appear deep to the crowd, strives for obscurity. For the crowd considers anything deep if only it cannot see to the bottom: the crowd is so timid and afraid of going into the water.

Clarity of mind means clarity of passion , too; this is why a great and clear mind loves ardently and sees distinctly what he loves.     

All my life , at least a great majority of it, I have stayed in the safe zone with that which was familiar and known. I have rarely gone into the unknown willingly, it was by force, either by circumstances beyond my control , or born out of sheer frustration over how things were.

As a child I had dreams of what I wanted to be... a ballerina, a nurse, a teacher...none of which I did.  I knew I wanted to be a wife and mother and felt equipped to accomplish that. I stuck with what was familiar. Being sick of school, I certainly wanted no part of doing more of that!

I got married and had my babies. I had what I wanted, or knew I could handle doing. Well, that came with several unexpected turns which forced me to persevere or in some cases survive those things which happened. Those turns were not in my plan, but all of them forced me to grow in several areas that I am thankful for now. Some changes made me question my very existence and purpose in life.

Fast forward a few decades.... I've worked different jobs, some fulfilling, some not. Some gave me purpose for a while. Ministry opportunities definitely gave me a sense of purpose, made me feel alive. Along that journey I found myself in a congregation with no ministry opportunities. I could , over time, feel the life in me waning away the more time passed. I'm not a pew sitter, I'm a doer. I questioned several times over those years there, "G-d, why do You have me sitting on a shelf ?" I felt useless. By now, I knew the gifts G-d had planted in me , I was used to being used in those areas. Being used by G-d gives me meaning, it drives me, I feel alive doing those things , and to not, felt like trying to keep a cap on a volcano. I wrestled and sought to find a place to DO something. That was short lived. Nothing fit, no place was the right place.

I trudged away at my mundane, thankless, frustrating,  job that I hate, yes hate, strong word, I know, but trust me on this. The longer I"m there the more restless I become. Thoughts run through my mind. Is this all there is in my life? Wasn't I created for something better than this? How can I help anyone working here?

Still , I've tried to keep a good attitude and prayed, asking G-d to give me someone to truly help each day and sometimes it happens, but still it is not enough for me. If I have to work, I want a career, not just a job. Did I say that out loud?  I've never considered working long term, I've always wanted out, wanted to find a way to go back to being a housewife. Not just for the comfort, there's much more to it. When I was a housewife, I had time to help people. I helped in gardens , where great conversations would happen. I helped in a home where I earned a man's respect ( he never freely gave that to anyone, so to earn it was a great honor to have earned it ) I went to Bible studies where my insights and prayers comforted and healed others. I helped counsel friends who needed me. Life had purpose.

So , here I am in 2012, watching a friend get ready to go to school. She is my age. I've watched her excitement and wonder at the prospect of starting a new chapter in life, and it challenged me. Could I really go back to school ? At my age? What on earth would I do?  I previously did a year of Bible college, which I LOVED! I got all A's and B's. That was a great time in my life. Could I really cut it in regular classes though? How will I afford it? On paper, surely they won't qualify me for the kind if financial help I'm going to really need, they'll think we make to much. What on earth would I want to study?

A thought kept nagging me though...if I want out of this job, if I want to earn  what I'm worth, I need more of an education on paper! I have to be worth more in the world's eyes, not just my own.

Still, what do I want to be?

At first I thought EMT/paramedic. From a prior class, I knew I had a passion for that. I then found out what they make. I want to be worth more.

Then I wrestled with sonography or vet tech. I love animals. Ok, I could make myself do that. Still, I felt like I was floundering to figure out what I'm made for. What is my purpose. G-d, what do You have for me to do? How can I help others? What am I suited for?

Over the weekend, some friends and I delved again into studying personality profiles. This always excites me. I want to know me. I want to know those I care about. What makes us all tick? We read, and tested and studied. I re-read. I thought. Pondered. Searching. Searching to find me. Who am I ? I've grown a lot the last few years, become more self aware and aware of those I love. What we feel. What makes us hurt or heal. What brings us each joy. What grieves us to our core? Why do we react the way we each do to crisis? Why do we each think the way we do?

I came home and reviewed my profile with my husband, wanting him to know me, the very depths of me. How and why I feel what I feel. Then, we went to the list of possible careers for my type. I had already been mulling over the very things that jumped out at him. Counseling and religion/ministry. He said " I can see you doing this! These are the first things that jump out at me." I then gleefully ran to get my test results from Bible college and handed them to him. He read each one, its topic and grade. Again a question " Why aren't you still doing this?" This excited me. It was like a confirmation. He was catching the vision I was getting.  I called my bestie for the second time this morning. In the first conversation I was tossing around the idea with her. She could see me doing this, and so it was reaffirmed by my hubby. In our second talk, it become solid. This is what I want. This is what I will strive for. This fits me.

Throughout the day I have received other affirmations from friends. They have been wonderful reminders of times I've helped each of them and how much it meant to them. It showed me my value in this area. I can have an impact. I can serve a purpose and help others.

I am so very thankful to G-d for clarity and direction. For quickly ending my struggle to seek where I belong and what He made me to do. I am blessed beyond compare , with the friends G-d has given me for such a time as this. They are my blessed cheer squad. I have so many beautiful voices telling me " I can" , that how could I not.

So, into the world of psych, counseling and ministry it will be, and for that I am very pleased. I have clarity.