Oasis

Just as the birds struggle during the fall winds and pummeling rain, and the dry,  bitter cold of winter, so we too weather storms , times of famine and buffeting winds. Searching diligently for a small grain of spiritual food, a cool refreshing drink.

The Breaking Of My Heart

Once a beloved friend, now you are a stranger.

Once you brought me comfort, now I feel anger.

Long ago you were my refuge, my shelter from the storm.

Now you bring me confusion, and I fear harm.

I used to look to you with great anticipation,

Now I look at you with great trepidation.

You once were full of laughter, smiles and joy

Now with peoples hearts you do toy.

Welcoming and inviting, you once used to be,

Now condemning and judgemental is what I've come to see.
My friend I once loved you with all of my heart,
Now one day not so far I fear we may part.
Easy to do you say ? I assure you it is not.
But to endure your pain forever, I'm afraid I cannot.
May God guide my steps, my thoughts and my prayers too.
Pray for you and seek His will, this I will always do.
My friend , cherished memories of you I do store,
Tucked away in my heart , these I cannot ignore.
How I wish that things would change and again you'd woo my heart.
Until that time, guard it I will ,until the day we part.
Wish you well ? Of course I do , I'm not the cruel kind.
Now your face reminds me of all the pain you've left behind.
Love you always, yes I will, we've a history we share,
But this aching in my soul at me does so tear.
I pray He guides and leads you , in the path set just for you
But most of all my precious friend may your heart He make true.

Torn

Erev Shabbat....Glorious smell of a fresh cooked meal permeates the house. It smells warm and inviting. Company arrives. Warm hugs and smiles. Lots of laughter. Comfort in being me. Confidence. Wine. Candle lighting and prayers shared among friends. A closeness of fellowship and unity in Messiah. Spiritual hunger.  Feeling the excitement of being used by God again after feeling I had been put on a shelf to collect dust and wither. Fueled by the passion of sharing who God really is and sharing the Jewishness of our Messiah, a side of Him they haven't known. Wonderful conversation and questions. God is so good. Recollecting fond family memories. The candles slowly burn down as time has flown by.

Shabbat morning....I don't want to go. Abba help me change my attitude until I get an answer. Apprehension. Knowing something very loved will be missing. Seemingly endless drive. The arrival...what to do, who to visit with. Is it safe to be here? Find some friendly faces and a few warm hugs. Ok, maybe this will be okay.
Things out of place remind me. Oh, Abba, this doesn't feel right. Help me. Worship begins. The floodgates begin. Can't stop. Oh, Abba, this pain is deep, grief, agony, overwhelming. How can I worship like this? Help me worship You in the midst Lord. I want to worship You. I hear the Kaddish in my mind. Endless tears. Will this ever stop? Need a distraction. Go find distracting conversation. This feels so wrong! How can they smile?! Righteous anger. Justice Lord, please! It feels so empty here. Finally time to go home. Escape to my safe place.

Please Lord, I need Your wisdom, Your peace, Your guidance. This pain runs deep. The frustration. So many emotions running together, colliding. Abba, please sort them out. Give me Your self control. Guide my steps and my words.

Adventuring Around Mt. Adams

On Friday we set out, the 3 of us, Jim, Robert and I for a restful weekend of camping on Mt. Adams. The guys were so excited to show me as many sites as possible. They grew up going to this mountain, among others, camping with their family, something of which I never got to do as a child.
We made the 3 hour drive to the mount. We arrived safe and unscathed at our campsite and set up camp.
Robert's tent is up in 2 minutes! Ours takes a bit longer and requires both of us. I have done it alone,but it is much simpler with extra hands.
When we camp, it is my job to instruct what part goes where first,what pole is next etc. If Jim was alone, he'd either use his one man tent , or opt to sleep on the ground rather than assemble this beast. Then it's get out the queen size cot, and inflate the queen size air mattress....NO, neither of us relish the thought of sleeping on hard , cold ground at our age.
That all done, we all go for a drive. The guys drive me up roads I'm convinced vehicles have NO business on, especially minivans! There is NO passing room. I spend much of the time praying another vehicle does not come along in the other direction. High atop who knows what road , steep and long, with no guardrail , on one side , shear drop off, the other hillside. These are NOT my kind of roads. I avoid these!
We drove quite a while, came to a spot where Jim says he's going to turn around.....WHAT???? WHERE? I instantly said, "Let me out first!" I get out of the van, he turns it around and parks it so we can get out and enjoy the view.
The view was breathtaking, in more ways than one. You don't want to stand at the edge of this road. The ground is soft in spots. The view of Mount Adam's was stunning. So peaceful and quiet up there. The hills, trees, serenity. We stayed a while up there taking it all in , shooting some photos, looking through the binoculars which really put you on the side of the mountain.
We then made our way back down and to camp to relax and make dinner.
We went to bed. I was later awoken by a sound I had never heard before. I laid awake trying to identify it in my mind. At first I thought it may be a semi, but heard no engine. I thought it may be the strongest wind I've ever heard, but nothing was moving, not our tent, not the many trees. I finally went back to sleep, only to wake to this sound a few times later.
In the morning as we're sitting around our fire with our coffee, Robert asks Jim if he heard the thunder the night before. I asked is that what that loud sound was? He said yes. Well that didn't sound like any thunder I've ever heard before. Robert said that's what it sounds like up in the mountains....instantly my mind travelled to the Israelites in the wilderness at Sinai, when God spoke and it sounded like thunder, and in their fear , they told Moses to go up and talk with God, that they didn't want to hear His voice any more. I could relate. It was loud and ominous sounding, a sound I'll never forget.
We had our breakfast and went for another drive. We went to Takhlakh Lake. It's beautiful! A rather large lake with a quaint island I'd love to boat out to. From the boat launch, there is a great view of Mt. Adams.We went to The Palisades,I can't adequately desribe it,you'll have to look at my photos on Facebook for that. We drove to Ohanapecosh on Rainier. The river there is incredible, turquois blue and crystal clear. Then we drove on to view Mount St. Helen's , the side I haven't seen before. I saw trees laid down like fallen toy army men, still there after 30 years.
We made our way to a viewpoint and pulled in to look at her splendor. The guys jumped out and over to the lookout . I got out of the van and instantly noticed a trail of fluid that went from the entrance to our van. I got down to look underneath her and sure enough,there is a good sized puddle underneath. I stick my finger in it,and it's RED! My heart sunk. In my mind I knew,that' transmission fluid. I walked over to the guys and told Jim to come with me,there was something I had to show him. I showed him the trail and puddle.
Needless to say, our sightseeing was cut short.
We drove down to Randle to the store seeking tranny fluid, grabbed 2 quarts, put one in, and headed off.
Jim decided to take a route that would cut 10 miles off the trip back to the campground. Sounded like a good plan at first.......
We drove for miles up dirt roads with a steady incline all the way. I started feeling the tranny slip periodically. We kept driving....that is until.......the van came to a halt on the hill with smoke billowing out form the transmission and the smell of it burning. . We managed to back up into a spot that got us out of the way should another car come so we weren't blocking the road.
A lot of thoughts went through my mind.

We only have one more quart of tranny fluid.

What if Jim burned up the tranny?

How on earth do we get back to our site?

How long would it take to walk back?

Would anyone find us up here?

How long before it gets dark?

Why would a man drive a minivan on these roads in the first place?

Robert walked behind the van, and found an animal skeleton of something small, picked clean.

So now I'm wondering...how close is the animal that ate that one?

Why are we dricving a minivan on roads only Jeeps and 4 wheel drive trucks belong on?

Amazingly some vehicles did come along, none had tranny fluid.

We put in our one quart to make our way back to camp. I prayed all the way back. We coasted 10 miles down hill till we hit flat ground and had to put it in drive . All they way I asked God to multiply that one quart of fluid. My hands were clenched all the way. I don't do stress well. By the time we were a few miles from camp, I was on the verge of an anxiety attack. We made it back, and I was NEVER to happy to see a campground in my life! It was around 7 pm.

We kicked back, had a few beers and had dinner.

I went to bed while the guys were still up visiting. 3 times I heard something outside my tent. I ws totally freaked out. I didn't move. At one point I had Jim come check around the tent, he found nothing. A little later, I heard something big! I laid there frozen. Then Robert roared and I screamed and jumped out of my skin! I could have killed him.

He went back to the fire with Jim. Twice more I heard this little animal out there. I had Jim come check around the tent again,Robert came with. They searched , then I heard a thump, and Robert asks Jim if he saw that....my mind is reeling. I heard it again,and Robert tells Jim something threw a rock. I'm freaking out, but still not making a sound. They go back to the fire. A bit later Jim comes to bed. I asked what they say,to find out the rock throwing was Robert again. I'm plotting my revenge. Meanwhile, that doesn't tell me what was there earlier. Jim is snoring immediately, while I'm wide awake hoping nothing big shows up! Eventually I pass out from exhaustion.

The next morning we get up, tear down everything, pack up, throw more fluid in the van to head home. Thankfully, the trip home was uneventful!

This is the 2nd time this van has stranded us on a mountain,I'm thinking we shouldn't attmept a repeat trip in this thing......

Happily Ever After

Happily ever after...the thing every little girl dreams of having as their parents read them bed time stories filled with beautiful princesses and the valiant princes who rescue them. In the end, they ride off on a grand white steed and live happily ever after. The damsels are rescued from an evil witch who sought to kill them out of jealousy. Or, an evil step mother or sister enslaves them . As far back as I can remember, I dreamt of my happily ever after. Every boyfriend I had, I thought would be my happily ever after, only to have those dreams dashed by abuse or unfaithfulness or both. Each relationship marred by pain, deceit, lies, and anger.
I so badly wanted to me a mother and wife.
As each relationship turned, I felt I was being robbed of my dream. I felt the love story I chased, would forever be an elusive wish. I so desperately wanted to be loved and accepted for who I was. So deep was this desire,that I became what each person wanted me to be , over time, losing myself.
The longest run,was an 18 year relationship, filled with agonizing pain and fear. At its end, I prayed for death. I wanted the hurt to end so badly that I contemplated ending it myself.
Months of not eating, because I couldn't without feeling ill. Panic attacks, a thing I had never had issues with in the past. Uncontrollable shaking, heart palpitations, feeling numb-or feeling too much to the point of being overwhelmed, depressed, anxious and full of fear. A life where every day was a hurdle the size of Mount Everest. A life where even mundane every day tasks seemed too much to accomplish. All feelings I was very unfamiliar with. In hindsight, I know it was only through God's power and grace , that I took every step...going to work, doing dishes, getting up, getting dressed...yes, each of these were giant feats for me each day.
I vividly remember God telling me He was taking me out of Egypt. That was during Pesach at my dear friend Liz's home. I fought to not cry during the Seder after hearing those words. I knew then, God would not again restore this mess I called a marriage. Instantly , I had no desire to ask God to restore it. I knew then what the Israelites felt with everything in me. Excitement of being freed from their situation, and at the same time, fear of the unknown. Where would God take me? What would it be like? How would He do it? What would be the cost of that freedom?
I thank God for His placing of friends around me whom He hand selected! They went with me to court. They were there night or day should I need to talk or cry or get away at a moments notice. Friends who fervently prayed for my rescue and protection.
God provided a job and a home. He took care of every little detail. He cradled me in His arms shielding from all who sought to hurt me. He protected my mind, even though at times I thought I was losing it.
Then , He allowed me to meet the one who would become my sweet prince.
This wonderful man, "Jimmy everything".
He instantly became an invaluable friend, and at times, my counselor.
We talked every day. He made me laugh in the midst of my recovery . He helped me to again become myself, which was no small task. I had become a master chameleon. He talked me through every situation as I fought to be released from the anguish of my past. He allowed me to share every detail of my life and made me feel comfortable in doing so. He was the first man I knew beyond the shadow of a doubt,that I could trust with my feelings,whether they be good, bad or ugly.
He truly had the heart of Yeshua. Unjudgemental, caring, compassionate, loving, self sacrificing, gentle.
I had sat down one day before I met him, and made a list of what I would or wouldn't want in a man, should I ever get brave enough to let one in my life again. It was extensive and well thought out one day as I poured out my heart to God. I told God, this man MUST meet ALL of these or I wouldn't even consider it. Never again would I "settle" for the sake of not being alone. I would stand my ground and my values.
The longer I knew Jim and the better I got to know him, I saw every character trait I had placed in my list.
The transition was difficult. I tried many times to push Jim away. I was hard and calloused and had put up so many walls. There were times I made him cry. Then we'd each go off and pray. God would tell him to be patient with me, and at the same time, would show me how I'd hurt him. I would always call and apologize. It pained me every time God showed me how I acted towards this gentle soul.
Over time , this wonderful friendship evolved into love.
Jim had told me several times he was going to marry me some day, and every time I assured him that would NEVER happen.
One day while driving to work, it hit me, no, blindsided me...I was falling in love. Oh how that terrified me. Love had always equated pain and mistrust. Dare I let this feeling in? Do I shut it off? Should I run from it? Is it safe to take a chance on it?
Oddly, the words of a childhood song kept playing though my head...and old Partridge Family song.

"Somebody Wants To Love You"

On your own, far away from home
There doesn't seem to be a friend when you're alone
People stare, you wonder if they care
So you turn your back on someone with love to share
Try to see, it's gotta be
Lovin' one another is the only possibility
So when you're down, and losin' ground
Don't get to thinkin' love can't be found

Hey, stop, stop, and look around
Somebody wants to love you
Stop, stop and turn around
Somebody wants to love you
Somebody wants to love you

Hey you, it's nothin ' new
Love will be around no matter what you do
Or will you try every alibi
And fool yourself some more and wonder why
So try to see, it's gotta be
When you turn your back on love, you miss the opportunity
And once again, you're at a dead end
And nowhere to turn without a friend

Hey, stop , stop and look around
Somebody wants to love you
Stop, stop and turn around
Somebody wants to love you
Somebody wants to love you "

I remember that day vividly. I called Jim to tell him what I was feeling. Each of us recall exactly where we were.

Fast forward to our wedding. The most beautiful March day. Crisp, but sunny. A day filled with anxious feelings for us both , coupled with excitement. A day filled with all of our closest friends, family and our community. It was perfect, thanks to the hard work of many.

I had found my "Sweet Prince", my" Jimmy everything".
Since then, we've shared many laughs, some tears, trials, medical procedures and each time come through closer than we were before. Every event drawing us closer together.

I am eternally grateful to God for my prince. This wonderful man, who gently cradles my heart with every beat of his caring heart. A man of incredible wisdom and integrity. A man with the innocence of a child and strength of a mighty warrior. A man with the humor of a jester and seriousness of a knight. A very complex man . The man whom God uses every day to give me my happily ever after story. Another page is written each day that we awake together. Ours is a story that will continue to unfold each day, till one of us breathes no more and that heart ceases to beat. I believe when that day comes, in some way, the story will continue in our hearts as we await spending eternity together with our Lord in His kingdom....



A love story has no end

Overwhelmed

It's been forever since I've posted. Life has been very hectic and busy.
So,pardon me as I ramble.
Been working lots of overtime the past few months,trying to prove myself to hopefully be made full time,which I'm losing hopes of. The company has put a freeze on raises,only hires people as part time now,and quit matching funds on their 401 k. So have to decide whether to stick it out or look for something where I can actually get vacation and sick time so as to have a life and not burn out because at this point if I take a day off , I get an occurrence for it,too many occurences , and they fire you.

Jim's heart is still beating way too fast. They had him wear a halter monitor for 24 hours and his heart rate hit 170 in his sleep! Basically he's been told he could have a heart attack or stroke any time. They changed his heart meds and put him back on coumaden. His heart specialist has referred him to another specialist and he's been scheduled for heart surgery on April 22nd. It's a new technology they'll be doing and has a 95% success rate of correcting this.
In the meantime, do you have any idea what it's like hearing your beloved husband tell you... " I've talked to my brother and had him promise to help watch out for you if anything happens." "I want to be buried where my Mom is and make sure it's a simple Jewish burial." "If anything happens,this is the amount of my life insurance,it should cover everything, help my brother out with part of it and the rest is yours." "You can keep my car or sell it."
It kills me inside every time I hear those words in my head. We're still newlyweds!
He is the first man to ever treat me well,who hasn't been abusive and made me feel like I wanted to die and get it over with.
I love coming home to him. I look forward to waking up with him. I adore him with everything in me. He sings to me every morning without fail. He cooks on the nights I work. He works so hard to make me happy and make life easier for me.
To hear him tell me he's sorry and he feels like he jipped me by marrying me because he only wanted to be a blessing to me and never wanted to cause me pain because of all he knew I had been through and he feels bad that the possible loss of him would hurt me, is painful.
I have prayed till I don't know any more new prayers to pray,begging God to heal him. Do I have faith? Of course. You still struggle with the what ifs though.That is human nature. The logical side of my brain struggles to figure out how I'd cope if he died. Emotionally , how would I do, and I know I'd make it because I've lost so many loved ones in the past.He's brought me so much joy and happiness, I don't want to think of losing it. He is my everything. He taught me how to live again.He gave me the courage to hope. I don't want to go a day not hearing him sing to me,or not feel him hug me,or go withouot laying in his lap in the evening.The other part of my brain wonders,would I have to get a second job? Where would I live? Could I afford our apartment even though it's cheap in comparison? How can I help Robert through it? How would Robert cope with losing his brother and best friend? Would it be too much for him? Woudl he give up on life?

In my mind,I hear myself screaming,"Please God NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! Let him live!!!!!!! Please don't take him from me!!!!!! Why would You finally let me be happy only to take it away????? What have I done wrong that I should be punished like this?? God,this is too much for me all at once! Can I please have a break????

Then there is trying to support Jim and Robert as they watch their Father waste away.

Then there is the financial issues....having to pay for Jim's meds,the upcoming surgery,trying to save for my car repairs and now Jim's as well. My car needs $1,400. put in it and his new car needs $1,000.We have to have money to file our taxes and found out we will owe about $ 800. I'm overwhelmed with the money issue!

My pregnant daughter is having pains and needs to see the doctor thinking it's a possibility it could be a tubal pregnancy. I worry and wonder how she'd handle that loss if it happens. Could she handle it at all? She puts on a good front that she's invincible,but I know her better than that. Would it push her over the edge?

I don't want to sound like,oh ,please feel sorry for me.I don't want any one's pity!
Just needed to unload because I tend to try and handle it all till I brake.

I would appreciate your prayers for all these situations. I would love support, emails, phone calls. If I don't return them immediately, please understand, when I get home I want to spend as much time as possible with my honey. I'm not trying to neglect my friends,I cherish every one of them. I wouldn't have made it through some life events without them.

Thanks for listening to me unwind.

Been There Done That

As 2009 came to a close and 2010 approached,I stopped periodically to think about some of the events of the year.
Here is some of what I did....

Hubby took me to the wonderful Cave B Inn in eastern Wa for my birthday. WOW! I've never had such a special birthday! Thanks Jim!

Spent our anniversary in Port Townsend. Went to Fort Worden while there and went through the museum. Had wonderful food and fun. My hubby bought me my first pearls.

Pesach with our wonderful friends.

Camping at the ocean a few times.

Went to Lake Quinalt resort twice.

Had a wonderful Yom Kippur weekend with my honey while we were sick and had some great conversations and prayer time together.

Went to Mt. Baker with my besties.

Saw the birth of my first grandchild Gabriel Allen Dean.

Was reunited with some dear friends from high school and one from elementary.

Went to Kalaloch resort and saw frost on sand for the first time.

Started a blog.

Got a new car,thank you honey!

Got a new kitty-the defiler! hahaha

Got to really know my brother in law better when we rode to work together after his beloved truck died. I miss him riding with me now.

Celebrated the day of my honey's birth.

Started a new job.

Most importantly...I'm continually being taught to appreciate every day with my family and friends. To take every opportunity to tell them you love and appreciate them.