A Continuing Jouney

I loved finding this book in a gift shop! At first sight, I thought to myself, "This would be a great topic for a blog!" I knew exactly what I wanted it to be about.

Well, our plans are not always God's plans. As I lay in bed Monday night, I was re-directed by God. He told me its focus should be on my experiences, to focus on what I thought I once knew.

I'll start at the beginning, as all stories should have a beginning point.

As a very  small girl, I thought I knew where home was. My earliest memories are of living with my grandparents. Intermitently, I would live with my mom for short periods of time. In this back and forth of living situation, it led to my next thought.

I thought no one wanted me. In moving back and forth between my grandparents home and my mothers, I thought neither wanted me. In reality, both my grandparents and my mom wanted me. A child's vision is very different though. They feel rather than see. I had no way of knowing the struggle between my grandparents and my mom, and no one took time to fully explain or help me understand the scope of what was taking place. The end result being, this little girl who was being fought over, felt alone, abandoned, and unwanted.

This feeling has carried on into adulthood. Perpetuated , by what I thought were friends , hurting me, betraying me, making fun, and my own lack of understanding of what a friend looked like, I felt feelings of being unwanted.

Thankfully, over many years, God in His faithfulness, taught me the different levels of relationship. He taught me what a friend looked like, what an acquaintance is, what a best friend is. I no longer confuse them, which means I no longer pour myself into people who will feed the rejection so much. God has given me some very special freinds who nurture and encourage me.

I thought my family would always outlive me. I never dreamed of the day my grandfather would not be there for me. He was my only dad growing up. He was my buddy, my friend, my source of fun and laughter, my defender, my everything.

At 16, my everything was taken away by leukemia. I'll never forget that pain. Almost daily, something reminds me of him. I'll see his face, his smile. I'll hear his voice. I'll remember the first Thanksgiving dinner I cooked days before he passed. I'll remember hours of sitting in his lap....water fights...getting greasy under the hood of his Chevy...hammering nails in the fence with him...then....changing the tire on grandma's car because he was  ill...calling the ambulance...the long ride to the hospital...the dreaded phone call...the funeral...the pain, days,weeks and years of pain at his loss. My whole world changed. My champion was no more. Later, God would show me He was and is my champion. He became my everything. He would be my defender.

I thought my mom never wanted me. When I was 9, she moved to Alaska. I was given the chance to go , but my grandmother had convinced me Alaska was for igloos and Eskimos, and at 9, that was all I could envision of it. At 16, after losing my grandpa, something in me caused me to hunt for my mom, her address, phone number , something had to lead me to where she was. I found her number hidden in my grandmothers things. I got a roll of quarters and had my boyfriend take me to a payphone. Years of being told by my grandmother how no good my mother was, I knew not to ask to call from home. I called the number I found. My mom got on the phone, and after 7 years, instantly knew my voice and began to cry. That next Christmas, I took the bonds grandpa had purchased and saved for me, cashed them in and bought a plane ticket to Alaska. I spent a week and a half with my mom and sister. I got to ask the hard questions.."Where have you been all this time?" , "Why didn't you come get me?" , "Didn't you want me?", Why didn't I get a card or present in all that time?". She explained she had wanted me. My grandmother threatened to have her put in a mental institution if she didn't let her have me, and after years of the fight, she simply couldn't take any more. She had sent cards and gifts, I just didn't get them.

Finally, after years of not knowing, not understanding, I had some answers, even if it left other questions forever unanswered. I'll never know why my grandmother felt it necessary to keep me from my mom. I'll never know why my grandmother was so controlling and manipulative. I'm still left with some degree of confusion because my mom and grandmother both have different sides of what happened why, and neither would say their story was wrong. Will I never really know the entire truth , no, not in that situation. Years later, after my mom had passed at the age of 59 from a cancerous brain tumor, I lay on my friends floor at a prayer meeting one night, asking God why. Why with everyone I loved were they taken away, whether by death or other circumstances. He answered. He wanted mee to depend solely on Him. So was He cruel to me? No. He was using what happened to teach me to hear His voice, to wait for it, listen for it. He wanted me totally intertwined in Him and I have been.

I thought my grandfather was my dad. At 9, I met my real one for the first time. At 21 I spent time with  him when he came to Seattle with some of his new family, then later that year when I went to North Dakota, and again in 2005 and in 2008. I love him dearly. I am truly a daddy's girl, from my beloved grandpa, to my real dad. I love snuggling with my dad, even at my age, and letting him run his fingers through my hair as we talk and cry together. That relationship though, is also clouded in mystery and questions. My mom related stories of why she left him when she was pregnant with me and why she kept me from him  growing up. From my dad I hear a completely different story. How I wish I could gather these people and ghosts in one room, to confront them each to get the truth, just once.

I thought I knew what love and marriage looked like, or what they should be. Those concepts also came crashing down with unfaithfulness, immaturity, selfishness, abuse, betrayal, deceit, lies, and a host of other things. In my low self esteem, I ran to every guy who would give me the smallest amount of attention, feeling that finally, I'd feel validated. By the time I was in my 20's, I was continually asking, "Is my life destined to be filled with only pain?". After an 18 year relationship, again my world came crashing down. Again, a pain I will never forget, which led to panic attacks, more feelings of rejection and being unwanted. The pain drove me to a day I drove around in my car, having a massive panic attack/nervous breakdown that walked me to the edge of life and death. I drove, gun in lap, looking for somewhere to end the pain, once and for all. Thankfully, God, and someone He sent to rescue me from myself, prevented me from doing something rash.  Please do not think I wallow in self pity . I do not! Walk even a few years of my life though, and see how well you fare under the weight of all the things I've had to walk through, endure, and survive, with more often than not, no one to help me navigate through, groping through darkness as a blind person struggling to find the road to walk on without someone yanking the rug out from under me.

I thought my children would always be with me. Wrong again. Loss of jobs, led to loss of apartment and no where to go. Living with others, spending days in my car, or at a part time job I found, and nights in someones spare room, meant my children ended up with their dad. The plan was he would care for them till I was back on my feet. Sounded like the perfect solution. Wrong again. He ended up with custody, moved so often I eventually could no longer track him, and for 7 years I didn't see my babies and hadn't the foggiest where they were. Every holiday was full of emptiness and pain. Their birthdays and mother's day  were the very worst. I began drinking every night to try and numb it all. I engaged in some not so safe things. I didn't want to feel anymore. God was still there. God was still watching, trying to draw me back. He patiently waited for me to come to the end of myself. He waited for me to return to the One who really loved me all along. I did come back, only this time with a vengeance. I would not walk away again even though things still tried to rock my world. I would have struggles, but never walked away. He promised me my children and I would be united again. That has happened with one, my daughter. I'm waiting for my son and holding on to God's promise to me.

I thought faith  communities were loving, safe places, where people were emotionally healthy, knew how to love and not mistreat others like those in the world. So very wrong again. I've seen some , who were supposedly full of God's love, do some atrocious things, cause terrible pain, act cruelly and cause some to walk away from God.

I thought at different times my faith was strong, then along would come a circumstance that would test it to the point I questioned if I had any. Thankfully, those times do not last. The loving Father walks us through. He sends His angels to protect. He sends messengers in the form of friends, who come along, pick us up and carry us when needed. He speaks to us. We can when we most need Him , hear Him whisper, " I love you so much my precious little one. Climb up on my lap and I'll hold you and kiss your boo boos. I'll mend that broken heart of yours, if you'll just give Me the pieces. I'll give you gems of experiences of immeasurable wealth,  if You'll give me that broken memory you're holding on to. I'll carry you, I want to, if only you'll stop trying to walk in your own strength. I'll be your father, if you give me the image of the imperfect one in your heart. I'll be the best husband you've ever had,  if you'll submit to Me and let Me lead, let Me love you.

Each day, or at least each week, I find what I thought I knew or held on to, and God says, " Let me show you what you thought you knew, as I fill you with what I know and with My truth.

In each of these circumstances and so many more, He has been true to His word, working all things together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. The enemy came to me many times, to steal, kill and destroy...and God said, no you don't! You take your hands off my baby girl, she's Mine!

This is a continual journey without end. A journey that will lead us to a happy ending, only if we let it.

Remembering To Never Forget

" Those who do not learn from the past, are destined to repeat it."

Such a true quote! A week ago was Holocaust Memorial Day. What was the Holocaust you may ask.

The Holocaust (from the Greek ὁλόκαυστος holókaustos: hólos, "whole" and kaustós, "burnt"),^[2] also known as The Shoah (Hebrew: השואה, HaShoah, "calamity"; Yiddish: חורבן, Churben or Hurban,^[3] from the Hebrew for "destruction").

It was a time when millions were tortured and killed just for who they were.

Some friends and I went on the March For Remembrance in honor of those who perished during the Holocaust. The event was very well organized. There were memorial candles lit . There were stones and on each was the name of someone lost during this horrific time. There were quotes , poems and stories written by survivors and family members of victims. There were prayers recited.
Before the march began, each of us took a stone with a name on it and walked it across the Tacoma Narrows Bridge and at the other end left it on a makeshift headstone and walked back. While we were walking , the leader of the event and a few others remained behind reading names of those who did not survive this atrocious ordeal. In the time it took us to walk 2 miles, they had only made it through 350 names. I tried to fathom the time it would take to read the names of the over 6,000,000 and I could not imagine it, other than it would probably take days, maybe even weeks.
Why is it so important for us to "Never Forget" you may ask. Maybe you think to yourself that an event such as that may never happen again, or perhaps you think yourself safe because you're not Jewish.
Let me help you rethink this. I'll start with a question. How do you boil a frog? You gradually heat the water for if you were to put the frog in a scalding pot he would surely jump out.
This is the same thing Hitler did. He didn't start with his grand scale attack right off the bat. He started gradually with ideas others easily grabbed onto. Over time, his concept grew more and more radical and by then his forces were too large for those who were his target to combat, even those who opposed his ideas felt helpless to fight against it.

The persecution and genocide were carried out in stages. Various legislation to remove the Jews from civil society, predominantly the Nuremberg Laws, was enacted in Nazi Germany years before the outbreak of World War II. Concentration camps were established in which inmates were used as slave labor until they died of exhaustion or disease.

So, you're still thinking it wouldn't have affected you because you're not Jewish? Let me enlighten you a bit...

Some scholars maintain that the definition of the Holocaust should also include the Nazis' genocide of millions of people in other groups, including Romani (more commonly known in English by the exonym "Gypsies"), Soviet prisoners of war, Polish and Soviet civilians, homosexuals, people with disabilities, Jehovah's Witnesses and other political and religious opponents, which occurred regardless of whether they were of German or non-German ethnic origin.^[6] Using this definition, the total number of Holocaust victims is between 11 million and 17 million people.

Is this a little eye opening for you? It also included Democrats, Union Socialists, Freemasons,political enemies, those to weak to work. Also remember, disabilities aren't just physical, those with emotional disabilities were fair game as well.

So , who would ever help such an evil man as Hitler ? Who would help evil prevail?

Parish churches and the Interior Ministry supplied birth records showing who was Jewish; the Post Office delivered the deportation and denaturalization orders; the Finance Ministry confiscated Jewish property; German firms fired Jewish workers and disenfranchised Jewish stockholders; the universities refused to admit Jews, denied degrees to those already studying, and fired Jewish academics; government transport offices arranged the trains for deportation to the camps; German pharmaceutical companies tested drugs on camp prisoners; companies bid for the contracts to build the crematoria; detailed lists of victims were drawn up using the Dehomag (IBM Germany) company's punch card machines, producing meticulous records of the killings. As prisoners entered the death camps, they were made to surrender all personal property, which was carefully catalogued and tagged before being sent to Germany to be reused or recycled. Berenbaum writes that the Final Solution of the Jewish question was "in the eyes of the perpetrators ... Germany's greatest achievement."

Saul Friedländer writes that: "Not one social group, not one religious community, not one scholarly institution or professional association in Germany and throughout Europe declared its solidarity with the Jews." He writes that some Christian churches declared that converted Jews should be regarded as part of the flock, but even then only up to a point.

Surely , you would think, Christians would never be a part of something like this. Think again. They even funded Hitler's movement!


Maybe you're thinking, "well, extermination was at least quick". Re-think that too. They were not just killed. They were used in horrible experiments which I will not go into detail about, but that you can read about on your own.

I can remember in school, being shown the films, books, and information about the Holocaust, and sitting there in shock looking at the mass graves, wondering , " Why didn't anyone stop them sooner?"  " How could this happen?"

The answer...Two things..

1. "the road to Auschwitz was built by hate, but paved with indifference".

Indifference is a very dangerous thing! Too many didn't care as long as it didn't touch them. To not take a side, is to take a side. We must every day choose to do good. We must fight against injustice when we see a wrong being committed. We MUST be the voice for those who do not have their own, or don't have the strength to use it. We must carry one another's burdens and fight each others causes, or we will fall victim to the same sorts of evil that prevailed during the Holocaust!

So many of the Jewish people who were confined to camps, had such a will to live, to survive this evil.

In every ghetto, in every deportation train, in every labor camp, even in the death camps, the will to resist was strong, and took many forms. Fighting with the few weapons that would be found, individual acts of defiance and protest, the courage of obtaining food and water under the threat of death, the superiority of refusing to allow the Germans their final wish to gloat over panic and despair. Even passivity was a form of resistance. To die with dignity was a form of resistance. To resist the demoralizing, brutalizing force of evil, to refuse to be reduced to the level of animals, to live through the torment, to outlive the tormentors, these too were acts of resistance. Merely to give a witness of these events in testimony was, in the end, a contribution to victory. Simply to survive was a victory of the human spirit."

– Martin Gilbert. The Holocaust: The Jewish Tragedy

Let this cause us to take time and reflect. Have any of us been witness to a wrong that we personally did nothing to stop? Have we wondered what to do , and did nothing because we couldn't find the right answer?

2. "All that is necessary for evil to prevail is for good men to do nothing."

I say, to do something and be slightly wrong in approach , is better than doing nothing to stop injustice, unrighteousness and evil.


Let each of us , ever day


Remember To Never Forget. In forgetting, you may lose yourself or a loved one.

Questions Continue

First of all, please excuse my randomness. I'm not usually that way, but events have caused questions and thoughts to continually race through my mind. I find it slightly unsettling to be bombarded by them day and night as I attempt to sort through them. I find myself asking " Where is the off switch for these thoughts and my emotions about them?"
Here is what I'm left asking...

Is it what I thought it was, and then it changed along the way ?
(If so, then why did no one discern it and stop the change? Why is it that we would not have listened if someone would have said something ?)
Was it a grand illusion the entire time?
( This option bothers me for several reasons. If so, how did I buy into it after having just come out of a very similar situation? Why would people portray such a thing with the intent of deceiving?)
Why didn't I listen to the voice of reason 3 years ago ?
Why have I,  more than once, put myself under leaders who are controlling?
Where are all those people who said they were my friend ? ( How could they have been so interwoven in my life, only to later walk away ? )
Why have they not contacted me after me being gone for 5 months ?
Were they ever really my friends ?
Were they my friends, and then we just grew apart ? If so, why?
Did they stop hanging around just because my time at our meeting place was limited down the line ? If so, why should that make a difference ? ( If your friends , your friends, right ?)
Did they fake it for some unknown reason, only to drop me later ? Why?
Were they my friend and then somehow we grew apart ? 
Why do they shun those that leave ? Leaving should NOT sever a relationship. Proximity should not govern relationship!
Why do those early memories have to be so good that they make the later events so much more painful ?
Why all the judgement and condemnation of those they deem not measuring up to THEIR version of holiness ? ( Is it not God who judges?  Does God not correct with love and gentleness? Is it not Satan who condemns and ridicules ? )
Where is the Fruit of the Spirit in those portraying themselves as having it all together ?
Where is the love ? ( Loving your neighbor is not defined as only loving those in your core group! )
And, lastly, how on earth did I ever let myself act like them? Much to repent for I have.

Random Thoughts

Eye bouncing? Really? That's the answer to your issue/s? How about the Biblical approach...confession, repentance, seeking forgiveness, humility.

Secrets trap YOU! Tell them to people you can trust, sometimes public confession is required. Once in the open, Satan cannot use them against you nor torment you with them.

All this talk of pornography..mayhaps someone has a problem they don't want exposed, and if it's not that one, it's just as damaging to your marriage.

I KNOW. God talks to people, yes plural, and I'm one of those who listen when He does.

How can you speak of grace and mercy and love, and be so incapable of showing it to those outside your family or core group?

People are NOT slots to fill. When they leave, find out why! Show you care and ask! Don't act cold and uncaring. If you care, more people may come.

Do NOT yell or raise your voice! Show compassion! LOVE people!

How dare you hurt people so badly and deeply! Shame on you!

Anger manifests because of fear or unmet needs. If you have either, deal with it in a Godly manner instead of taking it out on others who had nothing to do with the causes of fear or unmet needs. Grow up. Stop acting like a 2 year old throwing a tantrum!

You need both wisdom and knowledge coupled with love and discernment. If you have one without the others, that one attribute is useless.

If you have no discernment , it behooves you to listen to those who do and not discount them.

If you are a leader, you are in a sad state if you can announce that you can count on one hand the number of times you've heard God's voice! Dare I say, you shouldn't be leading anything, not even a family. A leader should hear form God regularly, Moses did. If you don't hear from Him, maybe you're not serving Him. His sheep know His voice.

Do not belittle or discount women. Yeshua was very close to them. When  He came out of the tomb, who did He appear to first? You guessed it, women! Without us , y'all wouldn't be here! We're good for more than cooking, cleaning and giving birth!

Newsflash!...we DO have a mind of our own. We are not influenced nor controlled by anyone. We love our friends, we don't obey them or follow them mindlessly. You insult us when you make these assumptions.

We obey God! We need not submit to ungodly leadership.

We know you are watching....have fun!

Thoughts on Pesach

While trying to muster up the energy, which lately is ever lacking, and the drive, which is certainly gone, to clean for Pesach this morning, I found myself asking " Why is this so hard, so tedious, strenuous?" I have no ambition this year. I'm finding I have no energy. My anal tendency to clean thoroughly is gone. I'm told by some it's partly due to hormones..hurray. I watch my young, vibrant , daughter do things I used to, and wonder, will I ever get that back?
Back to my thoughts...as I was working on cleaning, and asking why it's so hard, I heard that very familiar voice ask, "Why at times is it so hard for me to clean you? Why at times do you resist? Why , sometimes, do I have to allow you to go through situations that are painful for Me to watch you endure to get you to get out of a situation or do My will?"
Those  words make my heart ache. I try so hard to be pliable to Him, and I've made great strides in that over the years. I'm much more ready and willing to submit to His voice. Still, it pains me to know that at times, for all my trying, I still bring Him sorrow and probably frustration. Yet, it comforts me even to hear those painful words He sends to cause me to check myself. I am pleased that I can so easily hear Him when He speaks, for to not hear His words, would fill me with fear of not walking in His presence.

This year, as Pesach approaches, I'm again meditating on the meaning of the Exodus and God's redemption of those He calls His, of being part of those whom Yeshua said can never be snatched from His hand. What a glorious place to be, in His hand. At times, though, this is a place of uncertainty, even as we trust Him with all we are. Each year, we are to re-read the Exodus account, and try to relate to the Israelites coming out of Egypt and how God has through times, taken us out of our present Egypt.
Four years ago, as I was at a friend's celebrating Pesach, I for the first time, related to the feelings of the Israelites. In the phase of life I was in, I was in a painful place. As we were going through the Haggadah, I sat there with tears filling my eyes, as I heard God say "I'm taking you out of Egypt". How very painful that was, full of mixed emotions. At that time, I knew God was not restoring my broken marriage. It was all I was familiar with, all I knew, even though not healthy, and I was full of fear of the unknown,as the Israelites surely would have been. I was being removed from my people, from what I knew, and taken into a wilderness of unknowns. At that same moment, a small part of me was excited to know I would be free from years of terrorism, control, rage aimed at me, hurtful words and actions of betrayal. I did not know where I would end up, where my promised land lay, but knew I had to trust the One who was in control of my life.

This year, again, through different circumstances, some of us have been taken out of Egypt. We are walking through the wilderness, wondering how long our journey will be, where will that awaited for promised land be. As of yet, we've only been shown glimpses of what God is doing as He brings healing, brings us glorious moments of time that we can immerse ourselves in Him through worship.
We follow the voice of our glorious Master, following the cloud of His presence, listening for His every instruction, following by faith the path layed in front of each of us, trusting Him to lead. We wait upon Him, seeking His face.
May we this year, continue to hear Him. May we continue to worship Him with ALL of our being in sweet surrender to the One who knows the outcome, who knows exactly where He will take us. May we all stay pliable to the Master potter who molds us into exactly what He planned before we drew our first breath.

Questions

What if people you thought cared, suddenly showed they didn't?
What if people you thought had integrity, showed their moral failure?
What if those who are supposed to be loving, acted with contempt?
What if those you trusted, suddenly alienated you?
What if those who you thought loved you, treated you with only  judgement and criticism?
What if those you trusted your feelings with, maligned and slandered you, and even betrayed you?
What if what you once loved, proved to be a falacy?
What if at your crucial time of need, no one came to hold you up?
What if you poured yourself into something, only to find it wasn't worth it?
What if those you thought loved you, let you walk away without question?
What if what you thought was real, proved to be an illusion?
What if you thought you were in a completely safe place, only to be emotionally tortured there?
What if those you felt secure with, turned on you and attacked your character?
What if once sweet words, turned evil and maliscious?
What if the place you were a core part of, suddenly rejected you completely casting you aside?
What if your supposed defenders, became your attackers?
What if those who teach truth, are full of lies?
What if those who talk of grace, show none when you need it most?
What if those who share wisdom, have none themself?
How can someone who speaks of discernment have none?
How can one who speaks of the Spirit, down those filled with it's gifts or how it functions because of their lack of understanding of it?
How can someone speak of worship, when they've never been lost in it?
What if those you've been told have it all wrong, have more of it right than those who downed them?



How would that make you feel?

The Big Pause

A cruel visitor has invaded our happy home. It has caused much upheaval, discomfort and frustration.
Who is this visitor who would create such havoc you ask? It's name is menopause!
Several years ago, it started with the usual hot flashes and night sweats.
Ok, so it was inconvenient, but I could live with those. The night sweats lasted about two solid years. Easy enough to deal with. Wake up and shower, problem fixed! This isn't so bad I thought. The hot flashes weren't an every day event, so those were ok too.
Then, this month , this cruel invader of homes, minds, and emotions went too far!
Certain monthly events are no longer normal. They have become a monumental event altering life's normal routine and necessitating some extra planning. That was a shocker! I thought to myself, please God, I take back every time I've ever asked for this change to come quickly. Clearly Lord, I had no idea what I was asking for. I repent! I give!
Last week, this visitor brought memory loss. I took the wrong exit on the way to work. Two days later, I was on the right freeway, but  thought I wasn't. I drove along questioning every landmark and sign. Panic set in. Is this Alzheimers? Am I losing my mind? Please God, don't let this happen. I don't want to forget who my loved ones are. I don't want to be one of those people who forget where they're driving and get lost. Would I remember who to call if I got lost? What if I can't remember my husband, children, grandkids?
My mind was a whirl of what ifs that I didn't want to think about.
Then, this week, this cruel thing invaded my emotions turning me into this horrid , mean person whom I hope never shows up again. I went from mellow to wicked witch of the West in a matter of minutes. She was awful! She brought rage. She was foreign to me. The next morning I still felt irritated. Then came wanting to cry. Followed by that was emotional numbness. After that followed fatigue and exhaustion.
Let me off this ride! I don't play well with others any more. I'm not in control. I do NOT like this!!!!!
A call to a friend assured me this is "normal". NORMAL? I find nothing normal about this!
It did bring much comfort to talk to others. I found out I'm not going through anything abnormal, just different than what I'm used to.
I do not like this new visitor, but I can't make it magically go away. It will require a lot of thought, planning, prayer, and tracking of events to give me some sense of control and learning what to expect when.
I will definitely have to lean on God for help and direction . The support of women in the same life phase will be a huge help and support. I am thankful for them already! I am also very thankful for an understanding husband who loves me unconditionally.
Here's to hoping this visitor has a very short stay!