Birthday wish for little Gabe

Gabe,
      This is how I will always remember you, full of smiles and laughs. You've always had such an easy going personality. I remember this first time you stayed the night with me. You were only a few months old. We sat together on the hide-a-bed and I sat there singing to you, You Are My Sunshine, Jesus Loves Me. Every time I sang, you'd get quiet and watch me, if I stopped you'd get restless, so I'd sing again and you'd get quiet. You have always loved music and would try to move with the beat of it since you were able to move . You love to dance. You get that from a long line of music loving women in our family, my Grandma, My Great Aunt,  Mom, Sisters, Me and your Mom. I hope it always brings you as much joy and comfort as it always has for me.
    I miss you Bub. You light up my life and bring me so much joy. Every little smile, every giggle, our hide and seek games, teaching you Itsy Bitsy Spider-I love that you make your parents do that song every night now. I love the feel of your arms wrapped around my neck. I miss that the most.
    I can't be with you on your birthday this year Gabe, I want you to know I really wanted to though. I pray somehow God will let you know that and that I still love you (t---h----i----s) much! You stole my heart the day you were born, and I've never been the same since. I never thought I could love another child as much as my own, you changed that.
   I pray for you Gabe. I pray you grow big and strong. I pray that somehow you grow in knowledge and love of the Lord. I pray you will be a mighty warrior for Him, that your heart will be sold out for God and that nothing turns you away from Him. I pray He influences every decision you ever make. I pray you will do something with the music you love so much.  I pray that God's word is written on your heart.
    I pray you have a wonderful birthday Gabe.

   Grandam loves you and misses you.

Abuse...What does it look like?

In tho photo above, you see a list of some components of abuse. Abuse can be physical, sexual, verbal, psychological, spiritual and on the list goes.

A recent event brought this to the surface of my mind again. To start, let's identify what it can look like in various forms.

Elder Abuse/Neglect : The aged community make some of the easiest targets for abusers. Some abuse is physical, especially if they are infirmed in some way. Relatives, or caregivers have been caught on video beating the elderly.
One such video was on the news. A family member suspected the caregiver of abusing her aged father. She set up a hidden video camera in his room, and sure enough, unprovoked he was beaten. Thankfully, because of the evidence this person was convicted.
Another form of abuse the aged can fall victim to in financial abuse. People in their elder years who may have accumulated a small savings, oft end up bilked out of every penny. They are sometimes quick to feel compassion for someone with a hard luck story. Once the perpetrator sees their plan worked, they will continue the ruse with sob story after sob story till the well runs dry.
Even more appalling is some, usually women fall victim to sexual abuse because they aren't in a position to put up a fight.

Some people will choose disabled individuals as their target , mind you they may be child or adult and every form of abuse imaginable is inflicted upon them.

Verbal Abuse: Occurs when one person uses words and body language to inappropriately criticize another person. Verbal abuse often involves 'putdowns' and name-calling intended to make the victim feel they are not worthy of love or respect, and that they do not have ability or talent. If the victim speaks up against these statements, they are often told that the criticisms were "just a joke", and that it is their own problem that they do not find the joke funny. They may also be told that no abuse is happening; that it is "all in their head". Verbal abuse is dangerous because it is often not easily recognized as abuse, and therefore it can go on for extended periods, causing severe damage to victim's self-esteem and self-worth.

This can look like: Being told they are ashamed to be seen with you. Being told you're no good and you'll never amount to anything. Being told you're ugly, fat, stupid, etc., and no one else would want you. Being told you're useless. Being told none of their friends like you and don't come over because of you. Sarcastic , mean comments couched as " I was only kidding". Being told you can't do anything right. The list for this can be extensive. I'm sure at some point, most of us have heard at least some of these statements. I know I have.

Psychological Abuse (also known as mental abuse or emotional abuse):  Occurs when one person controls information available to another person so as to manipulate that person's sense of reality; what is acceptable and what is not acceptable. Psychological abuse often contains strong emotionally manipulative content designed to force the victim to comply with the abuser's wishes. It may be emotional abuse in this sense when it is designed to cause emotional pain to victims or to “mess with their heads” in attempts to gain compliance and counter any resistance. Alternatively, psychological abuse may occur when one victim is forced to watch another be abused in some fashion (verbally, emotionally, physically or sexually). Like verbal abuse, psychological abuse is often not recognized as abuse early on and can result in serious psychological after effects later on.

What does this look like? You name it. Finding evidence your mate is being unfaithful and when confronting them being told you're making it all up, you're paranoid, you're crazy. Say you distinctly remember them saying something, and when you bring it up they vehemently deny it to the point you question it yourself. You may start to second guess everything. This throws you completely off base making you question if what you think happened really did, or did you imagine or dream it. I've been here too.

Sexual Abuse: I think I don't need to go into detail here. Due to the age of possible readers, I don't care to elaborate here. Suffice to say, if you've ever been told it's your fault, you asked for it and the like, or was made to go further than you wanted, it qualifies. Let me say too, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! Whatever threats you may have been told, don't believe them. They are a manipulative tool used to keep you from telling. GO TELL!

Neglect:  Occurs when a person fails to provide for the basic needs of one or more dependent victims he or she is responsible for. Basic needs include adequate and appropriate food, shelter, clothing, hygiene, and love or care. The idea of neglect presupposes that the neglectful person is capable of being responsible in the first place. For example, it is neglect when an employed parent fails to care for their child adequately. It is still neglect when a parent is unable to provide for their child despite their best efforts due to extreme poverty or illness, but the neglect is perhaps mitigated by the circumstances. Neglect can only happen to dependent persons. For this reason, it most typically involves children or dependent elders who are not taken care of properly by their families or caregivers.

Self explanatory here. If you see signs of it, either a person dropping weight or can't gain weight, doesn't have clean clothes, looks unkempt, please report it!

One I must throw in here is Neglect/Manipulation/Control: Do you have love or affection withheld from you if you don't do what they want? Are you given the silent treatment, or ignored? This also is abuse. They do this to make you do what they,  want when they want and how they want. Are you deprived of access to a vehicle, phone, money?  Withholding affection from you is neglect and is a manipulative, controlling tool. Denying you access to car or cash is because they are afraid you would leave! Get out!

Physical Abuse:  Occurs when one person uses physical pain or threat of physical force to intimidate another person. Actual physical abuse may involve simple slaps or pushes, or it may involve a full on physical beating complete with punching, kicking, hair pulling, scratching, and real physical damage sufficient in some cases to require hospitalization. In particularly violent instances, people can die from the injuries they sustain while being physically abused. Physical abuse is abusive whether bruises or physical damage occur or not. Physical abuse may involve the mere threat of physical violence if the victim does not comply with the wishes of the abuser, and still be considered physical abuse.

I was witness to this just yesterday. I saw a man hit a woman in her side. She ran into her apartment , locking the door. He broke the door in. I called the police thinking they would come in with blaring sirens and flashing lights within seconds , especially when I specified this as a domestic violence call. I heard lot of bumping and thumping which I presumed was her hitting walls as she was tossed around. I heard her screams. I broke into a sweat. My heart pounded. He left. Finally 10-15 minutes later the police arrived. She could have been dead by then . These situations can escalate at the speed of light. I cannot tell you how very angry I was that it took them so long. Her relatives came. I saw her limping to the car to be seen at the hospital. I saw her again today, wearing a leg brace.

Another scenario: I'm 6 or 7, laying in bed with my little sister, four years younger than I. It's a weekend. I hear my mom and her husband in their room. He wants her to get up and make coffee. She wants a little more time to just relax before getting up. He's not getting his way. Things escalate. I hear my mom being beaten with his belt, like he would do to me, only not as severe as what I was hearing. She is screaming. I lay frozen. I'm a little girl. What can I do against this guy who terrifies me? She eventually comes running to our room and lays between us. In he comes with a bucket of ice water and dumps it on all 3 of us.

Example 2: I had a friend who's mom would be locked into her home every day when her husband left for work. Oh, and he would take the phones with him. God help her if there had ever been a fire or medical emergency.

Example 3: High school boyfriend. First love (or so I thought). Four and a half years of barely being allowed to hang with my girlfriends because he was paranoid they were trying to hook me up with someone else. In between classes, he had friends of his follow me and report to him if I talked to any guys, even friends I had known since grade school. If I did, there was hell to pay . Did I mention he could talk to whoever he wanted and that was supposed to be ok. Got into an argument one time, I was hit and karate kicked till I was bruised on my arms and legs. I went to school in late spring wearing long sleeves. I was made to hide in the closet if his folks came over. Sometimes they would stay for over an hour. I was told I was fat and he was ashamed to be seen with me. I quit eating for 3 days till I almost passed out. I went on a crash diet and exercise routine that summer so he'd hold my hand when we walked down the hall at school.

Example 4: Me again. Married 15 years, with him for 18. This list is way too long, so I'll just give you the short version. Unfaithfulness every 3 or so years, so I felt inadequate. So much so, I stayed, convinced no one else would want me or care. Told I was ugly, lazy , etc. Screamed at at such a close range, my ears would ring for hours afterward. Pinned to the wall or floor by my then long hair. Grabbed, cornered. Things thrown at or near me. Couch flipped over while I was on it. Knife stabbed into to arm of the couch inches from my arm. Car windows busted while I was in the car. Phone ripped out of the wall so I can't call for help. Spit on. Coffee thrown at me, and yes, it was hot. Told it was all my fault. Told it was all in my head, I was crazy.....

Do guys like this start out looking abusive? No. They often come off as very charming and sweet, charismatic. Everyone loves them. This is intentional! Why? So you'll fall for them, and once you're hooked, all hell breaks loose. The 2nd reason is so they are perceived as so nice and kind and fun, if you do try to tell, no one believes you or thinks it must be you're fault because _____ isn't usually like that at all.

Please, do me a favor, if any of this has happened to you or someone you know, TELL. Keep telling till someone, anyone believes you and is willing to help. I know it's scary to think of leaving what you're used to no matter how much you hate it. Do it anyway! The outside world  is a lot less scary than the situation you're in. There is help. There are people who care for you. Don't believe the lies. They want to keep you trapped!

Call a domestic violence hot line. Call 911. Call a friend. Call a Pastor. Keep calling till you get the help you need. You ARE worth it! You DESERVE it! There is a wonderful, glorious life waiting for you on the other side of abuse. It's there for the taking. Yes, it will take some time and work to reprogram yourself, to find your voice and self worth, but what a wonderful feeling when you decide you deserve better, that you have value! You CAN do it. You can have a better life, better than you ever dared to hope for or imagine. Take a chance on you. You are wonderful! You have value! You are beautiful! You can do anything and be anything you put your mind to!

Make a change today. Don't wait. You may not get another chance .

Birthday Message

I remember the day you were born. I raced feverishly to the hospital. I encountered a road accident, ramp closures and detours, all the while praying diligently that you'd wait till I could get there. You waited for me. I was awake for over 24 hours by the time I got back home afterward. I stood for hours waiting in anticipation to be among the first to meet and hold you. I remember the first glimpses of you as I saw your full head of hair. Oh, finally, the day I waited for. The birth of my 2nd grandson. What a joyous morning that was. I held you and stared at you in amazement. How tiny and precious. You are my 2nd, but no less important. You have your very own special place in  my heart. I remember your first teeth . I remember you starting to crawl.
I love singing to you. I love how you love music. I love your chubby little face and body. My little sumo.
Today is your first birthday and how I wish I were with you. I long to hold you and see your huge smile. I want you to know, I'm not missing your birthday because I want to. Sometimes life circumstances make for cruel twists and turns that we have no control of. Please know that my absence does not mean I love you any less. On the contrary, my heart aches. Work was hard today my little love as I looked at your face sitting on my desk in a frame. I love you with an undying love and I hope some day I will see you again and we can play and sing.
Happy birthday sumo. Grandma loves you bunches!

The Difference Kindness Makes

I love this quote.... " Kindness in words creates confidence, kindness in thinking creates profoundness, kindness in giving creates love.


A recent event made me really meditate on kindness.
Let's start with what kindness is...

Adjective: Having or showing a friendly nature, generous, considerate nature, liberal, agreeable, beneficial, warm-hearted nature,  Showing sympathy or understanding; charitable, Humane;  Forbearing; tolerant.

I was told by someone , "You were one of the few who showed me kindness years ago."

I thought about  this all morning and a good part of the afternoon.

What did I do that was so different, that made such an impact? I would target them whenever I saw them and make a bee-line to go talk with them , laugh with them, and let them know I noticed them there. It really didn't expend any energy and took little effort, but the results have led to a long lasting friendship that greatly impacted them and still does.
It really blesses me that what I looked at as every day normal behavior, really stood out to someone.  Why is this? That leads me to the conclusion that sadly, at least in their life, in that setting, that was not the norm of behavior they were used to receiving. That should not be.

What do the Scriptures say about kindness?
Of the Proverbs 31 woman in verse 26 it says,  " She opens her mouth in wisdom and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. "
That means , at least to me, she is teaching others to act in kind. Teaching others to be forbearing, generous, tolerant and accepting.
Micah 6: 8  He has told you , O man, what is good: And what does the L-rd require of you But to do justice, to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your L-rd.
We are instructed to love kindness. Translated by definition, we should love being generous, showing a friendly nature, being tolerant, liberal with our affection toward others, beneficial, and warm hearted to name a few.

Acts 9: 36  Now in Joppa there was a certain disciple named Tabitha ( which translated in Greek is called Dorcas) ; this woman was abounding with deeds of kindness and charity, which she continually did.
What is abounding? Having in large amounts. She did large amounts of kindness and charity.

Kindness is part of the fruit of the Spirit. Scripture says we will know one another by our fruit, so we should be on the lookout for these as evidence of one's faith in the Most High.

Gal 5:22-23  But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self control; against such things there is no law.

If then we are Believers in Messiah, we should see abounding acts of kindness in each other. If we are not seeing these manifestations of the fruit, we would be wise to question if the Ruach truly lives inside.

Further, we are commanded to manifest these attributes.

Col. 3:12 -17  And so, as those who have been chosen of G-d, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the L-rd forgave you, so also should you. And beyond all these things put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body; and be thankful. Let the word of Christ richly dwell within you, with all wisdom teaching and admonishing one another with psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with thankfulness in your hearts to G-d. And whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the L-rd Yeshua, giving thanks through Him to G-d the Father.

In the above passage, it says if we are chosen by G-d, we are to put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. If we are truly His, we are to act like it! How do we put these things on? We do as Paul said and die daily to the acts of our sinful nature. Every time we act out of line with the verses above, we immediately stop, take inventory of our thoughts and actions, repent, seek forgiveness of those we've injured, and with G-d's help, not act contrary to His word again. Over time, this should get easier, starving the old sinful nature to death, and feeding the new man within. We are to constantly renew our minds with the washing of His word. This re-arranges our mind and thoughts which in turn changes our behavior.
In the verses above, bearing with one another, and forgiving each other are also acts of kindness,as are admonishing one another with psalms and hymns and spiritual songs.

1 Pet. 2:1-3  Therefore, putting aside all malice and all guile and hypocrisy and envy and ALL slander, like newborn babies, long for the pure milk of the word, that by it you may grow in respect to salvation, IF you have tasted the kindness of the L-rd.

Conclusion of this verse? IF we are His, we will put aside malice, guile, hypocrisy, and slander. IF we have tasted His kindness, it will manifest in us, and to the degree we allow Him to change and heal us, we will act in kindness toward others. I have to wonder, when I see people who claim to know Him, and yet treat others poorly, are they really His. Not to the point of judging, because that is certainly not my job, but it does raise questions in my mind. It makes me ever more mindful of how I act and speak, so others do not have that question in their mind about me. I desire to live in such a way, there is never any question raised about Whom I serve, or if I'm chosen. I want my life, words and actions so full of Him, that it screams YES, she is Mine!

2 Pet. 1:5-11   Now for this very reason also, applying in diligence, in your faith supply moral excellence, and in your moral excellence, knowledge; and in your knowledge, self-control, and in your self-control, perseverance, and in your perseverance, godliness; and in your godliness, brotherly kindness, and in your brotherly kindness, love. For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they render you neither useless nor unfruitful in the true knowledge of our L-rd Yeshua Messiah. For he who lacks these qualities is blind or short-sighted, having forgotten his purification from his former sins. Therefore, brethren, be all the more diligent to make certain about His calling and choosing you; for as long as you practice these things, you will never stumble; for in this way the entrance into the eternal kingdom of our L-rd and Savior Yeshua Messiah will be abundantly supplied to you.

If we do not manifest these things, we are blind, having forgotten our  purification from our former sins. So I can presume this, if I do not manifest these things , I sin, and do not have evidence that my former self has been put to death. It is still alive and thriving.

To me, these verses are a wonderful barometer check.

What would it look like if we all began acting with more patience, being quick to forgive? What would it look like if we stopped aiming our mouth at others in a negative way as if it were a rapid fire machine gun, and spoke with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs? If people responded in shock, that would be a sure indicator we have not been kind, and our sin nature is alive still, and needs to be crucified.

Here's a real life example. When you see a Goth person, what is your first reaction?  Do words of judgement run through your mind ? Are you critical of them? Is your gut instinct to go redress and reprogram them?
What if we re-arrange our thinking. What if, instead we pondered....  1)  I wonder if something hurtful happened that caused them to put on a barrier they assume will repel others. OR 2) They are not afraid of what others think about them. They would make an awesome Believer, they don't let the opinions of others define them.

Let us all focus more on doing acts of kindness, so that we can see the difference kindness makes.

Beautiful Pain

Beautiful pain. These words may not seem to go together, but, oh, they do. Let me paint a picture of what beautiful pain looks like....

Beautiful pain brought you into my life. From the moment I saw and held you, it was worth it.
Every tear wiped away in love as something brought you pain.
Beautiful pain, my memories of you as I wondered where you were and held onto God's promise to me.
Beautiful pain, each time you've come back and left again.
Beautiful pain, the laughs, the smiles and fun. Memories that should bring joy,but right now bring hurt and feelings of loss.
Beautiful pain, I remember your moments of hurt, holding you
and wishing I could fix it or take it for you.
Beautiful pain, as I look into your your eyes, and gaze at your face.
I see the beauty on the outside and the pain and brokenness within.
I see you fight to camouflage every hurtful memory of your past,
and fail as the broken pieces of your past  shine through in your actions.
Beautiful pain, I know your potential and see you settle for so much less.
Beautiful pain, you struggle to feel beautiful as words from your past trap you convincing you  that you are less than.
Beautiful pain, your babies look to you for words of life and receive pain in their place.
Beautiful pain, so sure you're doing it right, as you function out of your damaged past.
Beautiful pain, I reflect and wish I had done a better job, convinced I could have.
Beautiful pain, knowing God's plan and seeing the enemy fight all the more for you.
Beautiful pain, seeing your little ones and wondering will they live your life too?
Beautiful pain, as a mother's heart breaks once again not wanting to breath.
Beautiful pain as I hold on to God's words yet again fighting to find comfort and hope.

Looking for light

I am thankful for a wonderful, caring husband who knows when to hold me tight.

I am thankful for friends who pour into me words of care, affirmation, encouragement and love. Who clear their busy lives for me when my heart aches.

I am thankful for my pets who love on me and make me smile with their silliness.

I am thankful for memories, though sometimes painful, some bring a smile.

I am thankful for my home. Yes, it's small, but it's my home.

I'm thankful for my little back yard streaming with little birds and squirrels, they bring me joy.

I'm thankful for all the little getaways my husband and I have had. It's such a blessing to have so many fun memories of our time together.

I'm thankful I serve such a wonderful God who loves me unconditionally. I'm thankful He placed such wonderful people in my life, each a treasure from His hand.

In Memorial

Today I remember my beloved Grandfather, Edward Joseph Sloan. I took my Grandfather's middle name as my son's middle name, in honor of the most influential man in  my life.
For as long as I can remember, I called him Dad.
Though he was grandfather age when he and my grandmother began raising me, he acted as a Dad of normal age. He played volleyball with me, soccer, baseball, croquet. He taught me to ride my 5 speed bike. He would take me to Lincoln Park and Alki to play in the sand. He had a huge love of the ocean, he couldn't get enough of it, which is why I imagine he joined the Navy.
He fought in WWII in the South Pacific.  I do not know what his rank was upon leaving, and never heard his war stories, he kept that all private. I admire him for his service nonetheless. One of my favorite photos, is of him in uniform with his troop. I'm the only one who has a copy of it and have cherished it over the years and I have one of his Navy pins which I have prized as a great trophy since he gave it to me as a child. Because of him, I love the Navy, always have. I share his love of the ocean, the sights and sounds of it. The ocean became my calming place. It is where I find peace when nothing else will do. I can get lost in listening to the ebb and flow of the waves, beach combing, searching for treasures.
He instilled in me my sense of family. From him I learned to be faithful to my family no matter what, to defend all in it. From him I learned the value of honesty and integrity. I learned how to be strong. From him I learned the importance of fun and laughter. He had the best sense of humor, and at 70 , would still watch Saturday morning cartoons. He and I would watch Barettta, Kojak, Barney Miller, Ironsides. We would watch football as he taught me the calls, which teams were good and which were not as we would bet a quarter a game, of course he always gave me first pick. He taught me poker games that we would play for hours. He was the best!
In the winter we would build snowmen and have snowball fights till I was numb from the cold. In the summer we would each grab a hose and have water fights, and when Grandma would come out to empty the trash , we took great joy in soaking her and laughing till we cried.
If I was sad, he was the only one who could pull a smile out me. I spent hours on his lap snuggling. That was the safest place in the world. Nothing could harm or bother me there, it was my haven.
Dad, I miss your lap, your smile and laughter and especially the mischievous twinkle in your eyes. You were the best Dad I could have had and I am thankful for having had you in my life. All the things I love and miss about you are forever in my heart. I will always carry you with me wherever I go for as long as I live. I love you still.