Grief and Trauma

These are both great images of what trauma looks like. It binds you, all of you, holding you hostage, and makes everything in your mind and ways of thinking , not work or function correctly. I have recently had multiple events hit all at once. Multiple anniversaries of loved ones passing-I was finally feeling like I was handling that better, news of the pending divorce of a loved one, and multiple people passing. My ex brother in law passed, I have complex feeling about that. I lost a childhood friend's mother. I lost my 2nd spiritual mom, that has been devastating even though it was expected. My dad advised me his wife is leaving him, and I cannot stand the thought of him one day passing alone. I also have complex feelings about that.For the icing on the cake, my ex husband took his life. He was being accused of something I am one thousand percent sure he did, and to avoid incarceration, or being accountable and facing justice for his actions, he took his life instead. That last one, has absolutely gutted me. I read 2 wonderful posts recently I want to keep in front of me, and wanted to share with anyone who may come across this post. I pray it helps someone. By Patrick Weaver Hello Pain, My God you've consumed my mind, my life and my prayers. Lord knows we've been doing this dance for too long, and I know thaat I have to take some responsibility for the misery that comes from talking to you, listening to you , and agreeing with your beliefs that undermine my power, beauty and potential. I thought our commiserating was my way of grieving but now I know that you are compounding my grief, and our commiserating is causing my incarceration. I see you for what you are, I see that your purpose is to make me think something is wrong with me because of what happened to me. In 2024, I'm evicting you, I'm no longer going to allow you to live in my head rent free. I'm not going to let you isolate me, speak lies over me or make me burn down my emotional house to keep you warm. I'm going to surround myself with supportive warriors to help me fight for the next version of me, I'm going to invest in my joy, I'm going to water my mind with truth and instruction for healing, I'm going to start doing things that reinforce my value and my desire to live my blessed life. And yes, that means you will be evicted in 2024. Consider this your eviction notice. Don't bother coming back for your stuff, I burned up everything that belonged to you! Oh, and incaase you try to sneak back in, don't worry about the dog, I got my Sword back-and it's sharp! Heartprints of God For the one longing to pour out you heart to God, but you have no words. The sorrow-too much. The situation-too much. The magnitutde of the mess-too much. The cry of your heart too much for human words to articulate. Don't worry about the words. Simply bring your heart to God in the silence. In moments like these, when we are unable to pray, the Holy Spirit, Himself, prays for us. When we can't, when we don't know how, when we don't know what to pray-the Spirit can, the Spirit will, the Spirit does. All you need to do is bring your heart. He will bring the words, and His words don't return void.

It's All About Control

This image has had me thinking for quite some time as I've contemplated all of it's meaning and implications, as well as how I've seen it in action in my life. In growing up in my home, disagreeing with my grnadmother was met with criticism, name calling and adverse reactions to reinforce that disagreeing with her was not safe nor accepted by her. She absolutely expected me to be her yes person, which I was not. The older I got, the more independent I became and formed my own opinions on life and how I wanted to live mine, the more uncomfortable things became with her . Later on came controlling, jealous boyfriends and husbands. I was allowed opinions on some things, but not on all things. Disagreement was met with "the cold shoulder", heated disagreements, volitile situations-some that put my life in danger, name calling, abuse-physical, emotional and verbal. What was most shocking I think, is how this was played out in churches and messianic congregations. Allow me to give some examples..... You like secular music? That was a huge no, that was all satanic or demonic and led you to hell. You could only listen to Christian artists. Not wanting to jeopardize my walk with God, and wanting to be a good Godly person, out went 248 albums, stacks of 45's, cassettes, all gone. Music I had collected starting at age 5 with The Partridge Family and Donny Osmond records. I have always loved music since I was old enought to talk, I was singing or listening to it. Should we examine lyrics? Of course, but we should not demonize every little thing. You go to a bar on occasion, even without any ill intent or bad behavior ?Maybe you're hanging with your bestie,or on a date with your spouse. Doesn't matter the reason. Even if you excercise self control and don't get drunk, or have soda or water and an appetizer. That's a no and will get you told off, shamed, lectured or all three. The devil and temptation hang out there and no good Christian has any business going there, even to witness. You were bombarded with the verse about " fleeing even the appearance of sin ". You enjoy dancing? Nope. Sin hangs out lurking in dance clubs and folks only go there for one reason, too hook up and sin. Back in the day, movie theatres and roller skating rinks were also a no. Any place a female could encounter a male, there is temptation to sin or be taken advantage of unless chaperoned. (Nevermind the fact that we spent countless hours in school every day with people of the opposite sex. Apparently they thought we couldn't sneak off or do things during lunch). Lest we also forget, all females are seen as potential Jezebels, temptresses lurking all about just waiting for the opportunity to cause a man to sin or seduce him because they are poor, weak, helpless souls with zero self control, but that's another topic for another day. Let's jump in the water a little deeper now.... You disagree with the leaders teaching , sermon or decisions? That never ends well. You could be met with anything from isolation ( think of being shunned, much like in the Amish community), told you're flat out wrong and don't understand scripture (because they did go to seminary after all for many years), shamed in front of the congregation because again (regardless of how much you yourself have studied) ,they know so much more than you, or , you may be mocked and ridiculed, either privately or in front of everyone. Another thing that may happen, is you're met with apathy, even if bringing a genuine concerns. Let me share a few examples. A church I attended was fairly big for the area, about 300 people. It was a non denominational charismatic church. I had been attending a prayer group for many years, even before attending this church. One evening a friend from my prayer group visited, she knew some people there. She happened to talk to one of Pastor's daughter's and mentioned the prayer group and that I attended it. Well, not too long after, an announcement came from the pulpit, that if you were part of ANY minisrty that was not "under the umbrella" of THAT church, you had no business being in it and should stop participtaing immediatley. I did not heed that advice. I had been part of that prayer group many years and those women were my sisters in Christ and my family, 2 of them my mentors and spiritual Mom's to me. On another occasion, same church, a friend and I began attending a Messianic congregation on Saturdays. We were learning so much, and were sometimes sharing what we learned with friends in the church, not trying to change anyone, just excited about learning. That got back to Pastor, and along came another announcement from the pulpit. He said and I quote, " If I want another doctrine shared in this church I will be the one to bring it". Oy veh. I half expected lightening to strike him at the haughtiness of his words. Later on in a Messianic synogogue, I learned very quickly, if you liked country music, to keep your mouth shut and not make that known. The leader would talk about you and tell you and others repeatedly, "that's not REAL music". Disagree with him on doctrine? He'd write a paper on it if you were a well known person in the Messianic world, and post it publically on his web site for all to see, so he could prove how wrong you were and in exactly what ways gaining the support of other who would of course agree with him. People were taught to dress modestly, but it was focused primarily on women and girls. The guys could be shirtless playing basketball, but girls skirts had to be below the knee, no sleeveless tops or cleavage showing. If a woman visited and had something too revealing on, she was given a sweater or coat to put on and had to keep it on until she left. One man at lunch time would make his daughters make his plate of food and serve it to him before they could eat so they would learn to be good wives who knew how to serve their future husband. Girls were betrothed, the boy asking the father permission to court his daughter. If the parents of both thought it was a good match and they all approved, then the betrothal was granted. They would be chaperoned until married so there was no chance of sexual sin before saying thier vows. Think this was only applied to young adults? Think again. I was in my late 40's and had to follow these same guidelines. It was terrifying in that when we went to a local park to have engagemnt photos done, my friend and photographer was telling us how to pose and to act naturally. I was hesitant to even hold hands for fear it would get back to our rabbi and that we would then be told he wouldn't marry us, or make us wait another year for having not followed the rules because there was to be no touching before marriage. Homeschooling was also a hot topic in the messianic shul. They based it on Psalms 1:1, "Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked, or set foot in the seat of mockers." They spoke often about how if you sent your children to public school , you were sending them to walk in the counsel of the wicked as it was full of secular thinking and ways, that the teachers would indoctrinate your children into the worlds ways of thinking and be led astray, and that they would be mocked for being different. All schools were thought to be bad, full of liberal thinkers and that their children would be taught evolution, read Harry Potter and the like and therefore learn witchcraft and paganism, and learn about other religions and cultures which would undo all the training thier parents and the shul had done. The sad part,ok one of the sad parts, was I watched these kids "graduate" with sub par academic skills. Most could barely spell and still can't very well. The girls were mainly taught piano and home economics type things like cooking, cleaning and sewing. From the pulpit, we often heard, "A woman's highest calling is to be a wife and mother". So in essence, those who felt led to be single or were widowed had absolutley no purpose. Boys were taught skills like mechanic work, landscaping and the like, with little to no focus on the value of academic learning. They were taught to be served, with the exception of a few mom's who taught their sons how to treat a woman with respect and value. For the most part, they were taught a vocation, that they were to one lead their family and be the head, and to study scripture. the emphasis of study was two fold. One ,everyone should know the Word, and two, they wanted to ensure this way of thinking would be passed on to the next generation, and that at least one of the boys would one day be educated enough in Torah to take over the shul should the leader ever retire or pass away. There were only 2 families our the whole congregation who sent their children to public school and they were ostracized and talked about. To be considered part of "the core group" you had to ascribe to all of the teachings of the leader. If you were in the core group, you were basically untouchable. The leaders would defend and support you. Politics played a part as well, whether it be church or shul , in these conservative congregations, everyone was a Republican with the exception of 2 people in one of the Messianic places I attended, and again, they were ostracized and belittled and eventually left. Everyone had a group think mindset. It's one thing to be a community and live in harmony with each other while maintaining your autonomy, and quite another to be a part of these groups. The moral of this post , is wherever you attend, if people are not allowed to peacfully and respectfully disagree and there is forced conformity, get out. Find a healthy community. Losing yourself is far too high a price. I highly recommend you read "A Church Called Tov". It has great information and clearly shows red flags to watch for. I hope you find this helpful.

Thankful Thursday

I am a few days late, but that is ok. Sometimes we have to give ourselves grace rather than a to do list. I am thankful for a surprise latte from my sweetie. I am thankful to have a new screen and battery in my used laptop. I am thankful to have seen some old friends today. I am thankful to have shared in the the celebration of life of a dear man and to know we will see each other again one day. I'm thankful for time with my husband, even if it turned out differently than we had planned. I'm thankful for this quiet time of day. I'm thankful for an anticipated road trip with a friend tomorrow.

Thankful Thursday

I am thankful to have this wonderful outlet again. I almost struggle getting on here to post though. It feels foreign now because it's been so long. I am thankful for my beloved husband. He truly has become my friend and confidant and I am grateful for that. I am thankful for the loss of some old (what I thought were friendships) as over time I discovered that while I loved those people very much, I was far more commited to tthe relationships than they were. That was the heartbreaking part. I grieved so very hard. Finding out yet again, that what I though was genuine, was not. I am thankful however, because it made way for new friendships that are healthy. I am thankful for new friends. I am thankful for the restoration of a few old friendships. I am thankful for a wonderful Bible Study each week with dear people that I treasure. I am thankful for safe spaces where I can be myself and be accepted for who I am. I don't have to hide my love for certain genres of music for fear of being ridiculed. I have spaceswhere I can safely share my feelings and thoughts and have trusted ones around me to help me process them all without being shamed. I am thankful God still uses me, even after my struggles to trust Him again. I am thankful for God's faithfulness and lovingkindness. What are you thankful for?

Whole Lotta Unlearning Going On

Whew, it's so wonderful to be able to write again.......last time was 2015. That's how long it's been since my last laptop died. I miss this, quiet time along to think, unwind, and just be.So much has happened.....many losses. Family that's passed, relationships lost, realizing that I will never be the old me , ever again. That last realization was the hardest. I spent years fighting to be the old me again, the me thatI was before the divorce and devastation. I so desperately wanted her back. I tried with everything I had, then one day, a dear friend said, "What if she's gone forever?" "What if you can't be her again, because she would again allow unhealthy relationships and wrong choices?" "What if , God is going to make you into someone new and better?" That hit like a ton of bricks. How do you grieve the loss of yourself? And yet I am, layer by painful layer. It's so hard. I miss the old me, at least parts. The parts that knew instinctively how to recall scripture as needed, or pray, and know what to pray, the part of me that had faith for any situation. I've become terrified to trust God fully, because He didn't do what I had hoped for and what I thought I needed. Instead, He let my world fall apart and come crumbling down. I know why, but that doesn't mean I liked it. You know that saying, " Better the devil I know than the one I don't?" That was my life. Life with my ex was one excruciating moment after another, mixed with just enough happiness to keep me holding on and hoping things would get better.....they would, but it was only ever temporary, then came the next betrayal, the next verbal assault, the next broken window, or knife driven into the wall by my face to make me fear that next time it would really be my face. It didn't help that I had pastors, yes, plural over the years, tell me " If I would pray more, fast more, anoint his side of the bed, his pillow, submit more, give him more sex etc., etc. that he would change, that he would be won over by my Godly behavior. Let me educate you, that does NOT and NEVER will work. That is a gross distortion of scripture taken out of context and used to continue promoting a mysogynistic, patriarchal system that is a breeding ground for abuse in unhealthy churches, synogogues and religious systems. If this is happening to you, do NOT be silent and get the help you need to get out. That mate will not change, they have no intention of changing and they don't care that they are hurting you. So, here I am , taking baby steps, trying to learn to trust God again. I wish there was an "easy" button I could push. The quandary of it all. Wanting to serve God, loving God, but not willing to trust. It's a process. At the same time , I've been deconstructing my faith. Getting back to basics as it were. The pandemic was a glorious opportunity to step back and assess it all for myself, shedding layers of what no longer fits, holding to on to what does. Discovering I can follow Torah, without being a legalistic , horrid person . Learning what it looks like to really love people for who they are and where they are. Learning that all those I saw over the years in Torah communities mocking others who liked a different kind of music, or had piercings and tattoos, or they were talking about how wrong people who attended a Sunday church were, they were the ones who were wrong, they were unloving and not compassionate. That behavior will never draw people to Yahweh. It will drive them away. Learning that I cannot deny the moving of the Ruach, which by the way usually wasn't felt in those communities. How I wish that Torah communities and churches would come together and realize they both have so much to offer, and that if they functioned together, they both have so much to offer each other. The Torah communities have such a rich history full of beautiful traditions, with beautiful meanings that lead and point to our Messiah. The church knows how to disciple and how to love the unlovely and doesn't shy away from the moving of the Ruach. If only they would see their need for each other and build bridges instead of chasms. Someday........... With all of this change, I've discovered I have something beautiful that I always wanted, a husband who was also my best friend. We have become so very close, and I've discovered I really can talk to him about anything, even hard things. Is this new? Not really. When we met I talked to him about tons of things. It's gone to new levels though. I can depend on him on my really hard days, days when it's hard to put my feelings into words, days when I want to just cry, or go for a drive to decompress. I am so very thankful for him. He has grown so much over the years. I'm so very proud of the man God is shaping. He absolutely amazes me. I am thankful too for beautiful new friendships. People who are emotionally healthy and not toxic. I am thankful for a few old relationships that have been reestablished and are doing well. I have sweet sisters in my life who cheer me on, who gently guide me in my faith and help keep me on track and keep me from derailing. Well, I think that is enough catching up for now. My old blog friend, it is nice to be back again.

American Sniper

American Sniper is the story of a true American, Chris Kyle. He signed up for military service at the age of 30 . He became a Navy Seal. With a deep sense of patriotism and a love of country, he was driven to defend that which he loved.

He didn't want to write his story at first, but learning others were going to tell his story if he didn't, and wanting it accurate, and wanting to preserve and retell the story of his brothers whom he loved, he wrote the account of his time in the Seals and the 4 tours he survived.

This story not only tells of the lives lost, lives saved, and lives forever changed, it wonderfully depicts the greatest battle of all that any service man who has served time in battle faces, the fight to again find himself, the person he was before being deployed.When they come home, it is near impossible to un-see what they have seen , to un-hear what they have heard, to un-live what they have lived.

We have all seen the stories on the news of men who made it home, but didn't make the journey back to self , to normalcy. We have heard of the suicides and murders by those who could not find their way, who struggled and lost the fight with PTSD.

Chris fought and won, and sought to help others find their way. Even here at home, he was still serving his brothers, still fighting to save lives. It was in doing so that this valiant, courageous, selfless hero lost his life.

I feel in a way I know him in some small way. He carried traits I admire and seek to emulate; fierce loyalty, love of family, patriotism, a tenacity to do what is right.

I salute you Chris Kyle. You truly were and always will be a hero. Words of thanks will never be enough for all you gave, all you endured.

I thank you Taya Kyle , his wife, for your service and great sacrifice. If you don't think the spouses of those who serve, aren't also serving and sacrificing, I have a news flash for you, they sacrifice as much as those abroad.

To his children , G-d bless you. May the traits your father had, also live in you. Thank you for sharing your father with all of us here in the country he loved. I pray you continue to make him proud.

To his parents, words will never describe the pain of your loss. Thank you for raising such an incredible son.

If you have not read American Sniper or seen the film, do. Yes there is language, yes it is graphic. It is about war and war is hell. Through it I think you will earn a respect for our  military men and women you may not have had before.

I thank you Chris Kyle for the man you were and for changing and impacting my life through sharing who you were, for sharing not just your accomplishments, but also your struggles, for your genuineness and humility. May your memory forever be blessed.

For more information about Chris Kyle, look here. http://www.chriskyleamericansniper.info/

Prodigals

For any Moms or Dads out there with a prodigal, here is a great picture of the war being waged over their life and soul. Would you share this blog and let's intercede for our babies to be where they belong. Let's pray them into the arms of our loving Father who waits to welcome them along with us. Let's not grow weary in seeking G-d's face on behalf of our babies, even as we see things sometimes get worse. Let's speak life over them while we wait their return not just to us but to the Holy One.

A Movie Review:Les Miserables

My Journey: Clarity

Whoever knows he is deep, strives for clarity; whoever would like to appear deep to the crowd, strives for obscurity. For the crowd considers anything deep if only it cannot see to the bottom: the crowd is so timid and afraid of going into the water.

Clarity of mind means clarity of passion , too; this is why a great and clear mind loves ardently and sees distinctly what he loves.     

All my life , at least a great majority of it, I have stayed in the safe zone with that which was familiar and known. I have rarely gone into the unknown willingly, it was by force, either by circumstances beyond my control , or born out of sheer frustration over how things were.

As a child I had dreams of what I wanted to be... a ballerina, a nurse, a teacher...none of which I did.  I knew I wanted to be a wife and mother and felt equipped to accomplish that. I stuck with what was familiar. Being sick of school, I certainly wanted no part of doing more of that!

I got married and had my babies. I had what I wanted, or knew I could handle doing. Well, that came with several unexpected turns which forced me to persevere or in some cases survive those things which happened. Those turns were not in my plan, but all of them forced me to grow in several areas that I am thankful for now. Some changes made me question my very existence and purpose in life.

Fast forward a few decades.... I've worked different jobs, some fulfilling, some not. Some gave me purpose for a while. Ministry opportunities definitely gave me a sense of purpose, made me feel alive. Along that journey I found myself in a congregation with no ministry opportunities. I could , over time, feel the life in me waning away the more time passed. I'm not a pew sitter, I'm a doer. I questioned several times over those years there, "G-d, why do You have me sitting on a shelf ?" I felt useless. By now, I knew the gifts G-d had planted in me , I was used to being used in those areas. Being used by G-d gives me meaning, it drives me, I feel alive doing those things , and to not, felt like trying to keep a cap on a volcano. I wrestled and sought to find a place to DO something. That was short lived. Nothing fit, no place was the right place.

I trudged away at my mundane, thankless, frustrating,  job that I hate, yes hate, strong word, I know, but trust me on this. The longer I"m there the more restless I become. Thoughts run through my mind. Is this all there is in my life? Wasn't I created for something better than this? How can I help anyone working here?

Still , I've tried to keep a good attitude and prayed, asking G-d to give me someone to truly help each day and sometimes it happens, but still it is not enough for me. If I have to work, I want a career, not just a job. Did I say that out loud?  I've never considered working long term, I've always wanted out, wanted to find a way to go back to being a housewife. Not just for the comfort, there's much more to it. When I was a housewife, I had time to help people. I helped in gardens , where great conversations would happen. I helped in a home where I earned a man's respect ( he never freely gave that to anyone, so to earn it was a great honor to have earned it ) I went to Bible studies where my insights and prayers comforted and healed others. I helped counsel friends who needed me. Life had purpose.

So , here I am in 2012, watching a friend get ready to go to school. She is my age. I've watched her excitement and wonder at the prospect of starting a new chapter in life, and it challenged me. Could I really go back to school ? At my age? What on earth would I do?  I previously did a year of Bible college, which I LOVED! I got all A's and B's. That was a great time in my life. Could I really cut it in regular classes though? How will I afford it? On paper, surely they won't qualify me for the kind if financial help I'm going to really need, they'll think we make to much. What on earth would I want to study?

A thought kept nagging me though...if I want out of this job, if I want to earn  what I'm worth, I need more of an education on paper! I have to be worth more in the world's eyes, not just my own.

Still, what do I want to be?

At first I thought EMT/paramedic. From a prior class, I knew I had a passion for that. I then found out what they make. I want to be worth more.

Then I wrestled with sonography or vet tech. I love animals. Ok, I could make myself do that. Still, I felt like I was floundering to figure out what I'm made for. What is my purpose. G-d, what do You have for me to do? How can I help others? What am I suited for?

Over the weekend, some friends and I delved again into studying personality profiles. This always excites me. I want to know me. I want to know those I care about. What makes us all tick? We read, and tested and studied. I re-read. I thought. Pondered. Searching. Searching to find me. Who am I ? I've grown a lot the last few years, become more self aware and aware of those I love. What we feel. What makes us hurt or heal. What brings us each joy. What grieves us to our core? Why do we react the way we each do to crisis? Why do we each think the way we do?

I came home and reviewed my profile with my husband, wanting him to know me, the very depths of me. How and why I feel what I feel. Then, we went to the list of possible careers for my type. I had already been mulling over the very things that jumped out at him. Counseling and religion/ministry. He said " I can see you doing this! These are the first things that jump out at me." I then gleefully ran to get my test results from Bible college and handed them to him. He read each one, its topic and grade. Again a question " Why aren't you still doing this?" This excited me. It was like a confirmation. He was catching the vision I was getting.  I called my bestie for the second time this morning. In the first conversation I was tossing around the idea with her. She could see me doing this, and so it was reaffirmed by my hubby. In our second talk, it become solid. This is what I want. This is what I will strive for. This fits me.

Throughout the day I have received other affirmations from friends. They have been wonderful reminders of times I've helped each of them and how much it meant to them. It showed me my value in this area. I can have an impact. I can serve a purpose and help others.

I am so very thankful to G-d for clarity and direction. For quickly ending my struggle to seek where I belong and what He made me to do. I am blessed beyond compare , with the friends G-d has given me for such a time as this. They are my blessed cheer squad. I have so many beautiful voices telling me " I can" , that how could I not.

So, into the world of psych, counseling and ministry it will be, and for that I am very pleased. I have clarity.

My Journey : Faith

In 2007, I started that spring being launched into the hardest test I would ever face to date. At the time I was married, I was a housewife and loved it. I ran my own schedule. I cleaned houses and a business for pocket money to do with as I wished. I had free time to go to prayer meetings, Bible studies, to help my friend in her garden and house. I had time to volunteer for things. I loved it. My life was fulfilling. Spiritually, I was on top of the world. Then , one day, my world caved in. I was given divorce papers. I was deceived and betrayed in a way unimaginable. I could no longer trust. My faith came crashing down. I cried for months, I couldn't eat. I was depressed. I began having terrible anxiety attacks that were crippling. Everything looked bleak. I questioned G-d constantly asking " Why would you let this happen to me?!" In my mind, I screamed that question a million times.If G-d was all powerful and in control of everything, and if He loved me, why this. He could have spared me of this. This pain was too great to endure. I have been trying since then to regain the Spiritual ground I lost. To regain trust in a G-d I felt hated me, and Whom I wasn't real pleased with either. How do I come to a place of trusting Him again when I felt He abandoned me and just left me to suffer. It's been a heck of a road. I've had good friends and advisors who all tried to encourage me, but I just couldn't give my all to Him. I was going through the motions. I still loved HIm, but it wasn't the same as before. About a month ago I started using my alone time in the morning for listening to Christain music, prayer and reading a devotional. It has been a good place for me Spiritually and emotionally. Then a few weeks ago , I heard a song that really touched me. Every time it comes on, I crank the volume and bellow it as loudly as I can, singing these words that are singing my song. I sing it with everything in me. It has become an ongoing cry and prayer to G-d. Please take a listen... https://youtu.be/ZUg9qE_KjLg This might hurt It’s not safe But I know that I’ve gotta make a change I don’t care If I break At least I’ll be feeling something ‘Cause just ok Is not enough Help me fight through the nothingness of life I don’t wanna go through the motions I don’t wanna go one more day Without Your all consuming passion inside of me I don’t wanna spend my whole life asking What if I had given everything? Instead of going through the motions No regrets Not this time I’m gonna let my heart defeat my mind Let Your love Make me whole I think I’m finally feeling something Take me all the way Take me all the way Take me all the way Then last Sunday while listening to music I heard some songs and I knew it was G-d moving me through music. I heard "Where there is faith" . Tears streamed down my face as I sang it remembering all the words. He was telling to again have faith in Him. Then came "He is with you". More tears. He was clearly telling me He has been and is with me. It was me who felt He wasn't. Then came a song I've never heard that became my new prayer. Look Me In The Eye by Margaret Becker I found a letter I wrote to you In the bottom of the drawer Simple words, simple point of view That I don't have much anymore It said "I don't want fortune I don't want fame I only want the treasure That time can't take away CHORUS Look me in the eye Tell me if you see Traces of yourself Growing here in me Tell me if you find Your heart in mine I pray you'll see your light When you look me in the eye Many years have come and gone Since I wrote that page And somehow with the passing time I've let that truth slip away Dear Lord remind me Each and every day that your Holiness, your Godliness Is all that will remain CHORUS Now I see you Much too dimly But someday we'll be Eye to eye When I see you I want to hear you say That you were proud of my life Lord touch my heart Center my soul Till all I do Is for You alone CHORUS I want Him to see Himself in me. I want to give my all to Him again. I am feeling alive again. I can feel Him breathing fresh breath into me, refilling and restoring me. I think finally, I'm having a breakthrough in this jouney.....and I am so very thankful!

The Last Goodbye

What does goodbye look like?

A phone call

A diagnosis that offers no hope

Treatment that will not cure

Facing the inevitable truth

Trips to thrift stores to rid of items that will not again be used

A visit from family who cares

Recalling moments of fun and a life once filled with joy

Limitations

Frustration

Disappointment

Loss of energy in one once so vibrant

Cards filled with loving words

Prayer

Tears

Questioning

Thoughts filled with you

A husband's selfless love and care

Incredible grace and strength

Words of care and encouragement

Anticipating the loss

Frailty

Wondering why

Acceptance

Reminiscing

Hugs

Compassion

Love

A last visit

A last hug

Tears

Sorrow

Trinkets to remember you by

An antique passed on

A long drive home

More tears

Amazement of courage

Dreading the last call




"For everything there is a season
A time to live
A time to die"

I will always love you!

My Journey - Deliverance

Many years ago, around 1996 , I was at home and the phone rang. It was my Pastor's daughter. She asked if I would be interested in replacing her at a church member's cafe. I wasn't looking for work necessarily, but the thought of working for a Believer for the first time certainly enticed me. I went at met the owner. She was very nice and warm. She ran the cafe which also did catering. Also employed there were her 2 sons and eldest daughter. The youngest daughter was there and helped in between doing her home schooling. I was hired. Officially I was the dishwasher. I did other things as well as time went on. I helped bus tables, ran the register, ran deliveries, helped with catering, baked. I enjoyed it. I have to admit however, I complained quite a bit. I'd complain about the heat, after all, I was in front of 3 boiling hot sinks (talk about humidity), and behind me were ovens and burners running all day. Oy! I do NOT like heat or humidity. I complained if I didn't feel good. Being raised as an only child, I could be pretty selfish and want my way. I definitely always looked at how things affected me. I'm not saying I was rotten. I had some good points, but I surely needed some work smoothing off my rough edges. Among my other attributes were my often bitey comments. I meant them in joking of course, but I often wouldn't think about how the other person's day may have been going, or what outside things may be affecting them. Being offended and hurt every time I wasn't invited to something. I took everything personally. Still, I loved working there with that family. They were kind and fun.We could joke together. We'd pray together every day before opening. We played instrumental or Christian music. The atmosphere there was great. We went to movies together. Well, one day my sweet boss had about all she could take of my attitudes. After we closed, she told me she was cutting my hours back for 3 weeks. How dare she?! , I thought to myself! This is a job, not a Christian training camp for perfect behavior. This can't be legal! I was outright pissed off! Still something told me, she cared about me. She wasn't a mean or vindictive person. She was always fair. She kindly suggested I read Neil Anderson's book " The Bondage Breaker". She suggested I may learn a lot from it, and that after I read it, she'd like to pray with me if I was willing. I took her challenge. I found the book , bought a copy and devoured it. I learned from it that different things we involve ourself in can open doors to let the enemy come into our life. I learned how deliverance works. I learned the authority I had in G-d to take control over those things,and that I didn't have to let them control me. There is more in there, but you will just have to read it yourself. After reading it cover to cover, I informed my boss I had finished the book, and was definitely willing to let her pray for me. We picked a day after work and met in her office, myself, her, her eldest daughter and her daughter in law. We stayed in there 4 1/2 hours! Hours of answering questions about things I had done in my past, repenting of them, rebuking their affects on me and their spiritual strongholds. It was gruelling and exhausting! Talk about vulnerable! These were things no one else knew about me, things too hard for me to have shared with anyone else at that time. Confessing in front of people whom I"m sure never even thought to do these things themselves. Confessing my rotten attitudes. Drug use, alcoholism, and things I dare not print.
Four and a half hours later, I left that office, not just tired and wrung out, but feeling really different for the first time in my life. Not that salvation didn't make a change in me, but this was different. I felt lighter. I didn't feel like I was being run around. I didn't feel aggressive. The flashbacks I used to have of things I had done, were gone! Oh , that was the sweetest moment, when I realized the flashbacks left! How glorious not to be haunted by those memories and images running through my head. I hated seeing them every time they would replay in my mind against my will. That was so hard an event.So very humbling to the very core of my being, but so very worth it. I can never thank her or her family enough! What a wonderful gift to share with someone, freedom, spiritual freedom. Now that is love! They layed down their life for me in a way that day. No greater love hath a man for his brother, than to lay down his life for him. After being delivered, my attitudes surely changed for the better. Bitterness left. The need to condemn others left to make myself feel worthy,  left. Those mean comments disguised as jokes, left. I had joy! Shortly after , on a trip to Idaho, my car broke down at 3-something a.m. The nearest rest area was 3 miles away. I got out and helped push the car 3 miles, laughing the whole time! Prior to my deliverance, I'd have been mad as all heck! Probably would have griped the whole 3 miles and kicked the car. I told my boss about it when I got back, and she smiled the biggest smile. She knew that in itself was a testimony of what had taken place in her office the day I decided to surrender all. That song, I surrender all, has a special meaning to me because of that day, and I don't think I've made it through without crying once since then. I'm thankful for those tears. I'm thankful to feel normal and free. I've since had the pleasure of sharing that wonderful gift with some over the years, and what an awesome privilege, to see the change in someones countenance afterward. I thank G-d for the times He's used me to share it. What an wonderful, caring, gentle G-d we serve. He loves as as we are, but loves us enough NOT to let us stay that way, for that I am ever so grateful!
Here's a video that depicts how Satan runs us around, and we are often unaware, and how our glorious L-rd fights for us, to give us freedom if we will accept it. It's very dear to my heart. Please, prayerfully watch it.

The "F" Word

What is the "F" word to which I am referring? Well, let me put your mind at ease, it probably isn't the first one that popped into your head. lol
The "F" word I am talking about is friendship or friend. A lot of folks have an idea of what that word means.We all have friends at work. We have childhood  friends and high school friends. We have church friends , MOPS friends, cell group friends. In the modern age of technology , we have gaming friends, Myspace friends and Facebook friends. Might I be so bold as to say, upon greater examination, many of these included in these groups, are not friends at all, but would be downgraded to acquaintance status. Acquaintance - having knowledge of or familiarity with, but not on an intimate level. Having factual knowledge of someone or thing, i.e. being acquainted with certain foods or wines, acquainted with a topic, or having factual knowledge of some historical event or person. Though you may see this person regularly, you only share surface information with them and are somewhat guarded in your interactions with them. You share basic information with them and answers to their inquiries are brief , offering little information.  An acquaintance is in the game with you as long as your interests and beliefs are the same as theirs. The moment there are blatant differences between yourself and them, they are out the door or are telling you why your interests are not interesting,or why your beliefs are wrong and their viewpoint is right and will adamantly tell you why yours are wrong and will not relent to save the relationship, because there is no investment in it by them. They are the ones who want to benefit the most from your relationship. Foremost, you can gauge the level of your relationship with someone in terms of the "depth" of your interactions. The definition of friend or friendship is a much longer one. Friend - A person with whom you are allied in good and bad, in struggle and in causes.A person with whom you are attached to affectionately denoting deep care of them and their feelings. Here are my personal definitions: A friend is someone whom you take the time to build relationship with. You care more about getting to know their thoughts, likes and dislikes rather than making sure they know yours. A friend is one in whom there is mutual trust. They need not worry that I will hurt them or cause them emotional harm. Friendship should be a place of mutual safety for the emotional health and benefit of both parties. If I confide in them , I need not ever worry they will share what I've said and vice versa. They are free to share their deepest thoughts and feelings with me knowing that I will guard and protect that information and they will do the same with mine.
negotiate respectful boundaries. If something is a hot button for one of us, out of love and respect, we will leave that topic alone. It doesn't mean either person loses who they are. It means the relationship is more important than the topic! There may be words that are hurtful due to one's past experiences, so a respectful boundary not to use those words may be needed. There may be a topic from one's past that is too hurtful to bring up, so a boundary not to mention that event may be needed so as not to bring on the painful memory.
Friendship is intimacy. In intimacy, we are willing and safe to share our most secret thoughts and experiences. Intimacy means knowing more than mere surface facts about each other. If all I know of you are your favorite foods and colors, we are not intimate. Intimacy denotes knowing each other in a way few others do,  it is a trusted position. This means much time invested in each other. You should not share intimate information with someone you met 5 minutes ago, or a few months ago. This level of trust takes much time to foster and grow. Intimacy means knowing each others thoughts with a mere glance, no words are needed. It means I am comfortable to be me and you are comfortable to be you , without fear of judgement or condemnation. Friendship means enjoying each others company whether you're out having fun or sitting doing nothing. In true friendship there is no need on either's part to have to entertain the other, you simply feel better by being together, through whatever. An acquaintance will bail when there is no personal gain for them. < This is just a brief summary on what friendship means to me. As I think more, and reflect, there is a novel worth of points to be shared for sure. As I've aged, my definition has evolved on many levels. I now have only a few that have earned this title, because maturity and experience have necessitated constant re-evaluations of its definition. Please, do not feel bad when I say there are "few" in my life. This is by choice. The ones I have now have been hand picked by the Master friend selector Himself. I am blessed and thankful He brought them and removed others. They are each priceless gems in my life , true gifts from G-d and I take every opportunity to tell and show them of their value to me and in my life. I hope this post helps someone differentiate and define what a friend really is.

Refocus

                                      

Refocus:

1 to give attention, effort, etc. to something new or different

2 to adapt or be adjusted again so that things can be seen clearly; to adjust something again so that you can see things clearly

3 to change the emphasis or direction of

I'm all about refocusing. As I've grown older and somewhat wiser, I see the need to constantly refocus.  The more I learn truth, specifically G-d's truth, the more I need to refocus my thoughts, my perceptions, and my opinions of my view of the world around me, of others and of myself.

Lately though , more so than ever, I'm seeing a growing epidemic. Somehow, our world has evolved into a generation of self seeking, selfish, self focused people. This didn't happen overnight. I've seen the increase progressively over time, with each generation becoming worse than the last, with the rare exception of a selfless , giving soul.

I see it at work every day. Girls buying # 240 Uggs, $400 Coach bags with the $300 matching wallet, $100 jeans, the newest most expensive phones and technology, and most of these little darlings live at home mooching off their parents. They have a sense of entitlement. They want it, and their gonna have it.

I see it played out other places too though. Have you been on the road , everyone going the same speed, and someone just HAS to get in front of you even though the light ahead is red ? Have you been in the store going up an aisle, you come upon what you are looking for and someone comes along and gets in front of you and just stands there staring at the shelf like you don't exist? Have you been out somewhere and people are just pushing around you like you're invisible? Or worse yet, you are in a relationship and someone else decides they want your mate more than you do even though they KNOW that person is taken and should be off limits.

They are self focused. Selfish. Self serving. It's ALL about THEM! It's about what they want, where they need to get.

This time of year, this mentality is running rampant. Commercials and ads enticing you with every toy, car, clothing item, jewelery, or bobble. All I hear are people talking about what THEY want. I have yet to hear someone talk about what they want to give with no concern of them getting.

It is enough to make me scream. I have to wonder, have they ever had to go to Salvation Army for a tree and gifts for their children? I have. Have they ever had a holiday or birthday without something new? I have. I remember holidays where what I could afford to give came from a second hand store. Do I care if I get a gift? Not really. Sure it's nice at times to be acknowledged, but are material things the only way we feel affirmed?

One of my favorite Christmases was when I was 16 or 17 years old. I had met a darling little girl named Barbara Jean. She was 6 or 7 . Her Mom was on welfare and couldn't afford gifts that year. She did however love her children immensely! Well,  getting to know this wonderful girl, I wanted to see her face light up. I wanted her to have something under the tree which her brother stole just so they would have one. (Not saying that was right) . I went home and went through our storage shed. I still had all of my Barbies, Skipper, Skippers gymnastics things, Ken, Van, and on the list went, all in mint condition. I had also found other dolls, a Barbie make up head that you could put make up on and fix her hair on. I happily took them to Barbara Jean's house while she was at school and her mother and I sat and wrapped them all. When Barbara Jean came home, she immediately saw the gifts and rushed to see who they were for. When she checked each and every one and saw her name on them all, she had the biggest smile! She inquired where they were from , but I had asked her Mom not to tell till I came home from seeing my Mom in Alaska.  I went over after my trip and her Mom told her where the gifts had come from. I got the biggest hug I think I've ever had.

That was so worth it! Seeing her smile and her gratitude. I'd do it a million more times.

I'm not trying to toot my own horn. Just trying to get us all focused where our minds should be.... on someone else.

Have you ever :
spent time with the elderly?
given a single mom a ride to get groceries?
taken someone to the laundromat?
taken someone groceries?
read to a child?
wiped someones tears or just held them through their pain?
comforted the dying?
sponsored a child for the holidays or birthday?
took someone a hot meal when they couldn't cook for themselves?
worked in someones yard or garden?
taken someone to lunch or tea?
given someone a phone call to say you care?
just sat with someone and listened?
complimented someone?
smiled at someone?
took time to notice someone you know doesn't look happy today?
It doesn't have to cost you money, although sometimes it may. It can simply cost you time, and maybe your heart.

If you find these things hard, it's time to refocus. If your first thought is always for yourself, it's time to refocus. If others are not at the forefront of your mind, you need to refocus. I'm speaking to myself as well. We are selfish by nature, and it takes a concerted effort to rearrange our thoughts and train them to be focused on others.

If this is really a struggle, start with a baby step. Call someone that you know is hurting. Go for a walk with someone and just listen, hear their heart. You don't need to be the focus of the conversation.

The Scriptures say " whatever you do for the least of these, you have done unto Me", and conversely, "whatever you didn't do for the least of these , you did not do unto Me." We are commanded , that whatever we do, whether in word or deed, do it as unto the L-rd. We were created to serve Him and serve others. When we serve , we bring Him glory. He created all things to glorify Himself. Are you bringing Him glory? Good news! If you're not currently, you still can. Not serving Him? You can still bring joy to others, it will be rewarding.

Refocus!









Yartzeit

Today marks the 8th year anniversary of my Mom's passing. I spent my work day trying to block it out so I could get through my day. I waited until I got home and had time to myself to reflect on all my memories of her, most of which were by phone.

Let me introduce you to the strongest woman I've ever known, and probably ever will. Her birth name was Karen Lea Brown. She was born in a town in North Dakota, at first living on a farm. It was a hard childhood. There wasn't a lot of money and times were hard. She grew and eventually married my Dad. She became pregnant with me and left him, and moved to Washington.

When I was 4 , she had my sister Tonda. From what I was told, she drove herself to the hospital to have her. I barely remember Tonda coming. You see, I didn't live with Mom much. There is a long story to that, that maybe will be covered another time.

I remember living with Mom when Tonda was small. We lived in what Mom called her doll house. It was light blue with white trim and white picket fence.

I remember Mom working at Rocky's hot dog stand. It was in the Sears parking lot on 1st and Lander in Seattle. Rocky was sweet . Mom always looked so beautiful.

My next memory is of me at 6-ish. I was living with my Grandparents. Mom and her husband Tom came over. Grandma came to my room and said Mom was going to let her keep me and wanted to say good bye. I went to the back  door to see Mom and say good bye. She hugged me, picked me up , handed me to Tom , and she and Tom went running down the driveway to his car. I remember screaming for my Grandparents. Grandma tried to come get me and Tom shoved her away and she fell. I didn't know what was going on. I then lived with Mom for about a year. I don't remember much about that time, only short snippets. I remember the name of the school, Cascade View Elementary off Military road somewhere. I remember playing in the yard. I remember the day I was on the back of a bike and my toe was caught in the spokes and they had to rush me in to ER for stitches. I remember Tom being very mean, he once broke a yard stick spanking me. Then one morning, as I lay awake in bed with Tonda, I could hear Mom and Tom arguing because he was demanding she get up and make him coffee. She just wanted to rest a bit more. Then I heard him hitting her with his belt and her trying not to scream loud. Later she came and got in bed with Tonda and I . Tom then came in with a container of cold water and dumped it on us.

I went back to my Grandparents. Then at around 8 or 9, I lived with Mom again in South Park and attended Concord Elementary. I have a few memories of some neighborhood kids and our neighbors. I remember on payday Mom giving us allowance and we'd go buy penny and nickel candy and spend forever trading pieces back and forth. I remember Mom taking us to Cherry Daze for shirley temples and I'd always get extra cherries.

Then, one night, although I don't remember it, Tonda and I were woken up and taken to our Grandparents. Mom had been shot while at work. She was working at a bar. A man came in and began ordering drinks, then after a while he pulled a gun and told Mom to go into the back, as she was waalking , he shot her in the back of her head. Somehow, she survived, but with some small fragments behind, they were too close to the brain for the doctors to get, they feared causing permanent damage.

Back to living with my Grandparents again. I was 9 now. Mom had decided to move to Alaska. My Grandmother convinced my 9 year old mind, that Alaska was full of nothing but igloos and Eskimos. As a result, when Mom asked if I wanted to go with  , I said no. I missed getting to grow up with her. Having been apart form my own children for 7 years when they were young, I can now look back and imagine her pain over my choice. She did what she thought best and let me decide.

Several years passed. I lost my Grandfather at 16, the only Dad I had ever had growing up. I began wondering about Mom again as I sometimes did. I was 16 or 17 now. Wondering why I never got a letter, a card, a gift on special days. I dug through my Grandmother's things one day while she was out and found my Mom's number  and address hidden away. I took that weeks allowance and got a roll of quarters. I had my boyfriend take me to a pay phone. I called the number nervously. A voice answered and I asked for Karen. she said it was, and instantly began to cry. She recognized me! After all those years, and my voice changing and maturing , she still knew me. That meant so much to me that day! I had so many missing pieces to the puzzle of my life. I had been given so few sufficient answers to my questions. Now, I had a puzzle piece back. We kept in touch with me calling about once a month.

I flew to see her at 17. She instantly recognized me at the airport. It felt so good. Her hugs, her smell, her face. I stayed about a week and a half, may be two weeks. It was the only Christmas I can remember with her,  although I know time-wise, there were a few I couldn't remember.

She and my sister flew down when I was 18. It ws wonderful seeing her and my sister again! It was short, but valuable for me. She had become my champion, defender and cheerleader. I knew she loved me. I had waited a long time to feel that.

I saw her next when my youngest was a baby, under a year. Mom flew down and I got to see her a few times while she was in Washington. She always loved me no matter what I was doing.

Next I saw her at the airport when she was moving from Alaska to Texas. She had a layover at SeaTac. It was only a few short hours, but priceless to me. I'd have gone for 5 minutes with her.

I treasured every phone call with her. She had a tradition of calling extremely early every year on my birthday. It meant the world to her to be the first to call and wish me Happy Birthday. I looked forward to it every year. We spent so many hours on the phone over the years. In '99  I got a cell with unlimited long distance and then there was no dollar amount stopping our conversations. I'd call her on my drives to work just to talk and hear her voice. It was my lifeline to her. Neither of us could afford to travel and see each other, so I used the tool I had to work with. We got to know each other pretty well over the years. I could talk to her about absolutely anything! With her I could laugh, cry, vent, whatever. She was always available when I called, as if time stopped for us both.

In 2003 I got a frightening call from my sister. Mom was in the hospital. She'd had a stroke a year or so prior and recovered, but was having memory problems and falling. They were running tests of all kinds and had done a biopsy. I wanted to go see her so badly! Some acquaintances heard my story, and told me to come to their home. They gave me a check for the amount of airfare to see my Mom. I flew down and a friend of my sister's picked me up and drove me to Mom's house. I got there late, it had to have been 10 or 11 at night and Mom had just been released from the hospital that day. I entered her home. She was sitting in her chair in the living room. The first things out of her mouth was "Get over here and sit on Mom's lap". I was apprehensive with her just getting out of the hospital , but she insisted. I was 38 and happily sitting on my Mommy's lap hugging. I never wanted to leave that spot. She called her doctor every day , only to be told they didn't have her results yet. Then came the day of her oncologist appointment. I went with her and her husband Jimmy, a wonderful man.
The doctor gave her a diagnosis with a mile long name. She told him to give it to her in layman's terms. He said "You have the fastest growing, most aggressive form of cancer you can get. It's brain cancer and inoperable. We will do chemo and radiation, but it won't cure it" She asked how long she had. He replied" Ma'am , I'd be surprised if you made it a year. I sat there with her stunned. I went to the restroom, cried, cleaned up my face and make up and went back in. We left and went to lunch then home.

She was amazing that day. she called her sisters and brother and gave them the news. She had Jimmy get her special things out of her china hutch and marked which things went to Tonda, and which to me. I was there a week and a half I think. She was strong the whole time. She made sure we had fun and laughs. I went home, and three weeks later , got the dreaded call that she was gone. I remember telling my sister I was going to finish getting ready for work after our call. Well, the shock wore off after getting off the phone and I called in to work to tell them I would not be there that day. I called my Mom's favorite Aunt that I knew quite well. She and my Great Uncle paid my plane fare to Texas for Mom's memorial.

She was the strongest , most amazing woman I'm sure I'll ever know. She foster parented while in Alaska, always taking in kids needing a home. While raising my sister, she worked 2 and 3 jobs at a time to make ends meet.  When I would struggle she always encouraged me telling me I could make it through. She could always make me smile. For 8 years now I've missed those early morning birthday calls. All that remains now are my few pictures of her, my scattered childhood memories and hours , probably years worth of wonderful, valuable phone conversations. I treasure each one trying to hang on to the memory of her voice and her phrases she'd use.

On this, the anniversary of the ever dreaded call that no one wants, ever, I remember you Mom. My friend, my confidant, my shoulder to cry one, my hero. I love you Mom and always will, that will surely not fade with time.

So Thankful

I am thankful I got to see my daughter and grandsons today. I am thankful I got to hug my daughter and grandsons, I love hugs. I am thankful to again see the precious smiles on the 2 most special little boys. I am thankful for healing conversation and shared tears. I am thankful for grace and mercy when it's shown to me and when I can extend it to those I love. I'm thankful for the ability to extend unconditional love. I'm thankful to be a mother and grandmother. I'm thankful for wonderful , supportive friends who are willing to listen, share tissue, provide chololate, pray, pick me up when I'm falling into a pit of despair, share laughs and tears. I'm thankful my husbands flu left after only one day. I'm thankful for a caring shepherd. I'm thankful for a caring , safe place to fellowship.

Birthday wish for little Gabe

Gabe,
      This is how I will always remember you, full of smiles and laughs. You've always had such an easy going personality. I remember this first time you stayed the night with me. You were only a few months old. We sat together on the hide-a-bed and I sat there singing to you, You Are My Sunshine, Jesus Loves Me. Every time I sang, you'd get quiet and watch me, if I stopped you'd get restless, so I'd sing again and you'd get quiet. You have always loved music and would try to move with the beat of it since you were able to move . You love to dance. You get that from a long line of music loving women in our family, my Grandma, My Great Aunt,  Mom, Sisters, Me and your Mom. I hope it always brings you as much joy and comfort as it always has for me.
    I miss you Bub. You light up my life and bring me so much joy. Every little smile, every giggle, our hide and seek games, teaching you Itsy Bitsy Spider-I love that you make your parents do that song every night now. I love the feel of your arms wrapped around my neck. I miss that the most.
    I can't be with you on your birthday this year Gabe, I want you to know I really wanted to though. I pray somehow God will let you know that and that I still love you (t---h----i----s) much! You stole my heart the day you were born, and I've never been the same since. I never thought I could love another child as much as my own, you changed that.
   I pray for you Gabe. I pray you grow big and strong. I pray that somehow you grow in knowledge and love of the Lord. I pray you will be a mighty warrior for Him, that your heart will be sold out for God and that nothing turns you away from Him. I pray He influences every decision you ever make. I pray you will do something with the music you love so much.  I pray that God's word is written on your heart.
    I pray you have a wonderful birthday Gabe.

   Grandam loves you and misses you.

Abuse...What does it look like?

In tho photo above, you see a list of some components of abuse. Abuse can be physical, sexual, verbal, psychological, spiritual and on the list goes.

A recent event brought this to the surface of my mind again. To start, let's identify what it can look like in various forms.

Elder Abuse/Neglect : The aged community make some of the easiest targets for abusers. Some abuse is physical, especially if they are infirmed in some way. Relatives, or caregivers have been caught on video beating the elderly.
One such video was on the news. A family member suspected the caregiver of abusing her aged father. She set up a hidden video camera in his room, and sure enough, unprovoked he was beaten. Thankfully, because of the evidence this person was convicted.
Another form of abuse the aged can fall victim to in financial abuse. People in their elder years who may have accumulated a small savings, oft end up bilked out of every penny. They are sometimes quick to feel compassion for someone with a hard luck story. Once the perpetrator sees their plan worked, they will continue the ruse with sob story after sob story till the well runs dry.
Even more appalling is some, usually women fall victim to sexual abuse because they aren't in a position to put up a fight.

Some people will choose disabled individuals as their target , mind you they may be child or adult and every form of abuse imaginable is inflicted upon them.

Verbal Abuse: Occurs when one person uses words and body language to inappropriately criticize another person. Verbal abuse often involves 'putdowns' and name-calling intended to make the victim feel they are not worthy of love or respect, and that they do not have ability or talent. If the victim speaks up against these statements, they are often told that the criticisms were "just a joke", and that it is their own problem that they do not find the joke funny. They may also be told that no abuse is happening; that it is "all in their head". Verbal abuse is dangerous because it is often not easily recognized as abuse, and therefore it can go on for extended periods, causing severe damage to victim's self-esteem and self-worth.

This can look like: Being told they are ashamed to be seen with you. Being told you're no good and you'll never amount to anything. Being told you're ugly, fat, stupid, etc., and no one else would want you. Being told you're useless. Being told none of their friends like you and don't come over because of you. Sarcastic , mean comments couched as " I was only kidding". Being told you can't do anything right. The list for this can be extensive. I'm sure at some point, most of us have heard at least some of these statements. I know I have.

Psychological Abuse (also known as mental abuse or emotional abuse):  Occurs when one person controls information available to another person so as to manipulate that person's sense of reality; what is acceptable and what is not acceptable. Psychological abuse often contains strong emotionally manipulative content designed to force the victim to comply with the abuser's wishes. It may be emotional abuse in this sense when it is designed to cause emotional pain to victims or to “mess with their heads” in attempts to gain compliance and counter any resistance. Alternatively, psychological abuse may occur when one victim is forced to watch another be abused in some fashion (verbally, emotionally, physically or sexually). Like verbal abuse, psychological abuse is often not recognized as abuse early on and can result in serious psychological after effects later on.

What does this look like? You name it. Finding evidence your mate is being unfaithful and when confronting them being told you're making it all up, you're paranoid, you're crazy. Say you distinctly remember them saying something, and when you bring it up they vehemently deny it to the point you question it yourself. You may start to second guess everything. This throws you completely off base making you question if what you think happened really did, or did you imagine or dream it. I've been here too.

Sexual Abuse: I think I don't need to go into detail here. Due to the age of possible readers, I don't care to elaborate here. Suffice to say, if you've ever been told it's your fault, you asked for it and the like, or was made to go further than you wanted, it qualifies. Let me say too, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! Whatever threats you may have been told, don't believe them. They are a manipulative tool used to keep you from telling. GO TELL!

Neglect:  Occurs when a person fails to provide for the basic needs of one or more dependent victims he or she is responsible for. Basic needs include adequate and appropriate food, shelter, clothing, hygiene, and love or care. The idea of neglect presupposes that the neglectful person is capable of being responsible in the first place. For example, it is neglect when an employed parent fails to care for their child adequately. It is still neglect when a parent is unable to provide for their child despite their best efforts due to extreme poverty or illness, but the neglect is perhaps mitigated by the circumstances. Neglect can only happen to dependent persons. For this reason, it most typically involves children or dependent elders who are not taken care of properly by their families or caregivers.

Self explanatory here. If you see signs of it, either a person dropping weight or can't gain weight, doesn't have clean clothes, looks unkempt, please report it!

One I must throw in here is Neglect/Manipulation/Control: Do you have love or affection withheld from you if you don't do what they want? Are you given the silent treatment, or ignored? This also is abuse. They do this to make you do what they,  want when they want and how they want. Are you deprived of access to a vehicle, phone, money?  Withholding affection from you is neglect and is a manipulative, controlling tool. Denying you access to car or cash is because they are afraid you would leave! Get out!

Physical Abuse:  Occurs when one person uses physical pain or threat of physical force to intimidate another person. Actual physical abuse may involve simple slaps or pushes, or it may involve a full on physical beating complete with punching, kicking, hair pulling, scratching, and real physical damage sufficient in some cases to require hospitalization. In particularly violent instances, people can die from the injuries they sustain while being physically abused. Physical abuse is abusive whether bruises or physical damage occur or not. Physical abuse may involve the mere threat of physical violence if the victim does not comply with the wishes of the abuser, and still be considered physical abuse.

I was witness to this just yesterday. I saw a man hit a woman in her side. She ran into her apartment , locking the door. He broke the door in. I called the police thinking they would come in with blaring sirens and flashing lights within seconds , especially when I specified this as a domestic violence call. I heard lot of bumping and thumping which I presumed was her hitting walls as she was tossed around. I heard her screams. I broke into a sweat. My heart pounded. He left. Finally 10-15 minutes later the police arrived. She could have been dead by then . These situations can escalate at the speed of light. I cannot tell you how very angry I was that it took them so long. Her relatives came. I saw her limping to the car to be seen at the hospital. I saw her again today, wearing a leg brace.

Another scenario: I'm 6 or 7, laying in bed with my little sister, four years younger than I. It's a weekend. I hear my mom and her husband in their room. He wants her to get up and make coffee. She wants a little more time to just relax before getting up. He's not getting his way. Things escalate. I hear my mom being beaten with his belt, like he would do to me, only not as severe as what I was hearing. She is screaming. I lay frozen. I'm a little girl. What can I do against this guy who terrifies me? She eventually comes running to our room and lays between us. In he comes with a bucket of ice water and dumps it on all 3 of us.

Example 2: I had a friend who's mom would be locked into her home every day when her husband left for work. Oh, and he would take the phones with him. God help her if there had ever been a fire or medical emergency.

Example 3: High school boyfriend. First love (or so I thought). Four and a half years of barely being allowed to hang with my girlfriends because he was paranoid they were trying to hook me up with someone else. In between classes, he had friends of his follow me and report to him if I talked to any guys, even friends I had known since grade school. If I did, there was hell to pay . Did I mention he could talk to whoever he wanted and that was supposed to be ok. Got into an argument one time, I was hit and karate kicked till I was bruised on my arms and legs. I went to school in late spring wearing long sleeves. I was made to hide in the closet if his folks came over. Sometimes they would stay for over an hour. I was told I was fat and he was ashamed to be seen with me. I quit eating for 3 days till I almost passed out. I went on a crash diet and exercise routine that summer so he'd hold my hand when we walked down the hall at school.

Example 4: Me again. Married 15 years, with him for 18. This list is way too long, so I'll just give you the short version. Unfaithfulness every 3 or so years, so I felt inadequate. So much so, I stayed, convinced no one else would want me or care. Told I was ugly, lazy , etc. Screamed at at such a close range, my ears would ring for hours afterward. Pinned to the wall or floor by my then long hair. Grabbed, cornered. Things thrown at or near me. Couch flipped over while I was on it. Knife stabbed into to arm of the couch inches from my arm. Car windows busted while I was in the car. Phone ripped out of the wall so I can't call for help. Spit on. Coffee thrown at me, and yes, it was hot. Told it was all my fault. Told it was all in my head, I was crazy.....

Do guys like this start out looking abusive? No. They often come off as very charming and sweet, charismatic. Everyone loves them. This is intentional! Why? So you'll fall for them, and once you're hooked, all hell breaks loose. The 2nd reason is so they are perceived as so nice and kind and fun, if you do try to tell, no one believes you or thinks it must be you're fault because _____ isn't usually like that at all.

Please, do me a favor, if any of this has happened to you or someone you know, TELL. Keep telling till someone, anyone believes you and is willing to help. I know it's scary to think of leaving what you're used to no matter how much you hate it. Do it anyway! The outside world  is a lot less scary than the situation you're in. There is help. There are people who care for you. Don't believe the lies. They want to keep you trapped!

Call a domestic violence hot line. Call 911. Call a friend. Call a Pastor. Keep calling till you get the help you need. You ARE worth it! You DESERVE it! There is a wonderful, glorious life waiting for you on the other side of abuse. It's there for the taking. Yes, it will take some time and work to reprogram yourself, to find your voice and self worth, but what a wonderful feeling when you decide you deserve better, that you have value! You CAN do it. You can have a better life, better than you ever dared to hope for or imagine. Take a chance on you. You are wonderful! You have value! You are beautiful! You can do anything and be anything you put your mind to!

Make a change today. Don't wait. You may not get another chance .

Birthday Message

I remember the day you were born. I raced feverishly to the hospital. I encountered a road accident, ramp closures and detours, all the while praying diligently that you'd wait till I could get there. You waited for me. I was awake for over 24 hours by the time I got back home afterward. I stood for hours waiting in anticipation to be among the first to meet and hold you. I remember the first glimpses of you as I saw your full head of hair. Oh, finally, the day I waited for. The birth of my 2nd grandson. What a joyous morning that was. I held you and stared at you in amazement. How tiny and precious. You are my 2nd, but no less important. You have your very own special place in  my heart. I remember your first teeth . I remember you starting to crawl.
I love singing to you. I love how you love music. I love your chubby little face and body. My little sumo.
Today is your first birthday and how I wish I were with you. I long to hold you and see your huge smile. I want you to know, I'm not missing your birthday because I want to. Sometimes life circumstances make for cruel twists and turns that we have no control of. Please know that my absence does not mean I love you any less. On the contrary, my heart aches. Work was hard today my little love as I looked at your face sitting on my desk in a frame. I love you with an undying love and I hope some day I will see you again and we can play and sing.
Happy birthday sumo. Grandma loves you bunches!

The Difference Kindness Makes

I love this quote.... " Kindness in words creates confidence, kindness in thinking creates profoundness, kindness in giving creates love.


A recent event made me really meditate on kindness.
Let's start with what kindness is...

Adjective: Having or showing a friendly nature, generous, considerate nature, liberal, agreeable, beneficial, warm-hearted nature,  Showing sympathy or understanding; charitable, Humane;  Forbearing; tolerant.

I was told by someone , "You were one of the few who showed me kindness years ago."

I thought about  this all morning and a good part of the afternoon.

What did I do that was so different, that made such an impact? I would target them whenever I saw them and make a bee-line to go talk with them , laugh with them, and let them know I noticed them there. It really didn't expend any energy and took little effort, but the results have led to a long lasting friendship that greatly impacted them and still does.
It really blesses me that what I looked at as every day normal behavior, really stood out to someone.  Why is this? That leads me to the conclusion that sadly, at least in their life, in that setting, that was not the norm of behavior they were used to receiving. That should not be.

What do the Scriptures say about kindness?
Of the Proverbs 31 woman in verse 26 it says,  " She opens her mouth in wisdom and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. "
That means , at least to me, she is teaching others to act in kind. Teaching others to be forbearing, generous, tolerant and accepting.
Micah 6: 8  He has told you , O man, what is good: And what does the L-rd require of you But to do justice, to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your L-rd.
We are instructed to love kindness. Translated by definition, we should love being generous, showing a friendly nature, being tolerant, liberal with our affection toward others, beneficial, and warm hearted to name a few.

Acts 9: 36  Now in Joppa there was a certain disciple named Tabitha ( which translated in Greek is called Dorcas) ; this woman was abounding with deeds of kindness and charity, which she continually did.
What is abounding? Having in large amounts. She did large amounts of kindness and charity.

Kindness is part of the fruit of the Spirit. Scripture says we will know one another by our fruit, so we should be on the lookout for these as evidence of one's faith in the Most High.

Gal 5:22-23  But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self control; against such things there is no law.

If then we are Believers in Messiah, we should see abounding acts of kindness in each other. If we are not seeing these manifestations of the fruit, we would be wise to question if the Ruach truly lives inside.

Further, we are commanded to manifest these attributes.

Col. 3:12 -17  And so, as those who have been chosen of G-d, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the L-rd forgave you, so also should you. And beyond all these things put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body; and be thankful. Let the word of Christ richly dwell within you, with all wisdom teaching and admonishing one another with psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with thankfulness in your hearts to G-d. And whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the L-rd Yeshua, giving thanks through Him to G-d the Father.

In the above passage, it says if we are chosen by G-d, we are to put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. If we are truly His, we are to act like it! How do we put these things on? We do as Paul said and die daily to the acts of our sinful nature. Every time we act out of line with the verses above, we immediately stop, take inventory of our thoughts and actions, repent, seek forgiveness of those we've injured, and with G-d's help, not act contrary to His word again. Over time, this should get easier, starving the old sinful nature to death, and feeding the new man within. We are to constantly renew our minds with the washing of His word. This re-arranges our mind and thoughts which in turn changes our behavior.
In the verses above, bearing with one another, and forgiving each other are also acts of kindness,as are admonishing one another with psalms and hymns and spiritual songs.

1 Pet. 2:1-3  Therefore, putting aside all malice and all guile and hypocrisy and envy and ALL slander, like newborn babies, long for the pure milk of the word, that by it you may grow in respect to salvation, IF you have tasted the kindness of the L-rd.

Conclusion of this verse? IF we are His, we will put aside malice, guile, hypocrisy, and slander. IF we have tasted His kindness, it will manifest in us, and to the degree we allow Him to change and heal us, we will act in kindness toward others. I have to wonder, when I see people who claim to know Him, and yet treat others poorly, are they really His. Not to the point of judging, because that is certainly not my job, but it does raise questions in my mind. It makes me ever more mindful of how I act and speak, so others do not have that question in their mind about me. I desire to live in such a way, there is never any question raised about Whom I serve, or if I'm chosen. I want my life, words and actions so full of Him, that it screams YES, she is Mine!

2 Pet. 1:5-11   Now for this very reason also, applying in diligence, in your faith supply moral excellence, and in your moral excellence, knowledge; and in your knowledge, self-control, and in your self-control, perseverance, and in your perseverance, godliness; and in your godliness, brotherly kindness, and in your brotherly kindness, love. For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they render you neither useless nor unfruitful in the true knowledge of our L-rd Yeshua Messiah. For he who lacks these qualities is blind or short-sighted, having forgotten his purification from his former sins. Therefore, brethren, be all the more diligent to make certain about His calling and choosing you; for as long as you practice these things, you will never stumble; for in this way the entrance into the eternal kingdom of our L-rd and Savior Yeshua Messiah will be abundantly supplied to you.

If we do not manifest these things, we are blind, having forgotten our  purification from our former sins. So I can presume this, if I do not manifest these things , I sin, and do not have evidence that my former self has been put to death. It is still alive and thriving.

To me, these verses are a wonderful barometer check.

What would it look like if we all began acting with more patience, being quick to forgive? What would it look like if we stopped aiming our mouth at others in a negative way as if it were a rapid fire machine gun, and spoke with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs? If people responded in shock, that would be a sure indicator we have not been kind, and our sin nature is alive still, and needs to be crucified.

Here's a real life example. When you see a Goth person, what is your first reaction?  Do words of judgement run through your mind ? Are you critical of them? Is your gut instinct to go redress and reprogram them?
What if we re-arrange our thinking. What if, instead we pondered....  1)  I wonder if something hurtful happened that caused them to put on a barrier they assume will repel others. OR 2) They are not afraid of what others think about them. They would make an awesome Believer, they don't let the opinions of others define them.

Let us all focus more on doing acts of kindness, so that we can see the difference kindness makes.