Refocus

                                      

Refocus:

1 to give attention, effort, etc. to something new or different

2 to adapt or be adjusted again so that things can be seen clearly; to adjust something again so that you can see things clearly

3 to change the emphasis or direction of

I'm all about refocusing. As I've grown older and somewhat wiser, I see the need to constantly refocus.  The more I learn truth, specifically G-d's truth, the more I need to refocus my thoughts, my perceptions, and my opinions of my view of the world around me, of others and of myself.

Lately though , more so than ever, I'm seeing a growing epidemic. Somehow, our world has evolved into a generation of self seeking, selfish, self focused people. This didn't happen overnight. I've seen the increase progressively over time, with each generation becoming worse than the last, with the rare exception of a selfless , giving soul.

I see it at work every day. Girls buying # 240 Uggs, $400 Coach bags with the $300 matching wallet, $100 jeans, the newest most expensive phones and technology, and most of these little darlings live at home mooching off their parents. They have a sense of entitlement. They want it, and their gonna have it.

I see it played out other places too though. Have you been on the road , everyone going the same speed, and someone just HAS to get in front of you even though the light ahead is red ? Have you been in the store going up an aisle, you come upon what you are looking for and someone comes along and gets in front of you and just stands there staring at the shelf like you don't exist? Have you been out somewhere and people are just pushing around you like you're invisible? Or worse yet, you are in a relationship and someone else decides they want your mate more than you do even though they KNOW that person is taken and should be off limits.

They are self focused. Selfish. Self serving. It's ALL about THEM! It's about what they want, where they need to get.

This time of year, this mentality is running rampant. Commercials and ads enticing you with every toy, car, clothing item, jewelery, or bobble. All I hear are people talking about what THEY want. I have yet to hear someone talk about what they want to give with no concern of them getting.

It is enough to make me scream. I have to wonder, have they ever had to go to Salvation Army for a tree and gifts for their children? I have. Have they ever had a holiday or birthday without something new? I have. I remember holidays where what I could afford to give came from a second hand store. Do I care if I get a gift? Not really. Sure it's nice at times to be acknowledged, but are material things the only way we feel affirmed?

One of my favorite Christmases was when I was 16 or 17 years old. I had met a darling little girl named Barbara Jean. She was 6 or 7 . Her Mom was on welfare and couldn't afford gifts that year. She did however love her children immensely! Well,  getting to know this wonderful girl, I wanted to see her face light up. I wanted her to have something under the tree which her brother stole just so they would have one. (Not saying that was right) . I went home and went through our storage shed. I still had all of my Barbies, Skipper, Skippers gymnastics things, Ken, Van, and on the list went, all in mint condition. I had also found other dolls, a Barbie make up head that you could put make up on and fix her hair on. I happily took them to Barbara Jean's house while she was at school and her mother and I sat and wrapped them all. When Barbara Jean came home, she immediately saw the gifts and rushed to see who they were for. When she checked each and every one and saw her name on them all, she had the biggest smile! She inquired where they were from , but I had asked her Mom not to tell till I came home from seeing my Mom in Alaska.  I went over after my trip and her Mom told her where the gifts had come from. I got the biggest hug I think I've ever had.

That was so worth it! Seeing her smile and her gratitude. I'd do it a million more times.

I'm not trying to toot my own horn. Just trying to get us all focused where our minds should be.... on someone else.

Have you ever :
spent time with the elderly?
given a single mom a ride to get groceries?
taken someone to the laundromat?
taken someone groceries?
read to a child?
wiped someones tears or just held them through their pain?
comforted the dying?
sponsored a child for the holidays or birthday?
took someone a hot meal when they couldn't cook for themselves?
worked in someones yard or garden?
taken someone to lunch or tea?
given someone a phone call to say you care?
just sat with someone and listened?
complimented someone?
smiled at someone?
took time to notice someone you know doesn't look happy today?
It doesn't have to cost you money, although sometimes it may. It can simply cost you time, and maybe your heart.

If you find these things hard, it's time to refocus. If your first thought is always for yourself, it's time to refocus. If others are not at the forefront of your mind, you need to refocus. I'm speaking to myself as well. We are selfish by nature, and it takes a concerted effort to rearrange our thoughts and train them to be focused on others.

If this is really a struggle, start with a baby step. Call someone that you know is hurting. Go for a walk with someone and just listen, hear their heart. You don't need to be the focus of the conversation.

The Scriptures say " whatever you do for the least of these, you have done unto Me", and conversely, "whatever you didn't do for the least of these , you did not do unto Me." We are commanded , that whatever we do, whether in word or deed, do it as unto the L-rd. We were created to serve Him and serve others. When we serve , we bring Him glory. He created all things to glorify Himself. Are you bringing Him glory? Good news! If you're not currently, you still can. Not serving Him? You can still bring joy to others, it will be rewarding.

Refocus!









Yartzeit

Today marks the 8th year anniversary of my Mom's passing. I spent my work day trying to block it out so I could get through my day. I waited until I got home and had time to myself to reflect on all my memories of her, most of which were by phone.

Let me introduce you to the strongest woman I've ever known, and probably ever will. Her birth name was Karen Lea Brown. She was born in a town in North Dakota, at first living on a farm. It was a hard childhood. There wasn't a lot of money and times were hard. She grew and eventually married my Dad. She became pregnant with me and left him, and moved to Washington.

When I was 4 , she had my sister Tonda. From what I was told, she drove herself to the hospital to have her. I barely remember Tonda coming. You see, I didn't live with Mom much. There is a long story to that, that maybe will be covered another time.

I remember living with Mom when Tonda was small. We lived in what Mom called her doll house. It was light blue with white trim and white picket fence.

I remember Mom working at Rocky's hot dog stand. It was in the Sears parking lot on 1st and Lander in Seattle. Rocky was sweet . Mom always looked so beautiful.

My next memory is of me at 6-ish. I was living with my Grandparents. Mom and her husband Tom came over. Grandma came to my room and said Mom was going to let her keep me and wanted to say good bye. I went to the back  door to see Mom and say good bye. She hugged me, picked me up , handed me to Tom , and she and Tom went running down the driveway to his car. I remember screaming for my Grandparents. Grandma tried to come get me and Tom shoved her away and she fell. I didn't know what was going on. I then lived with Mom for about a year. I don't remember much about that time, only short snippets. I remember the name of the school, Cascade View Elementary off Military road somewhere. I remember playing in the yard. I remember the day I was on the back of a bike and my toe was caught in the spokes and they had to rush me in to ER for stitches. I remember Tom being very mean, he once broke a yard stick spanking me. Then one morning, as I lay awake in bed with Tonda, I could hear Mom and Tom arguing because he was demanding she get up and make him coffee. She just wanted to rest a bit more. Then I heard him hitting her with his belt and her trying not to scream loud. Later she came and got in bed with Tonda and I . Tom then came in with a container of cold water and dumped it on us.

I went back to my Grandparents. Then at around 8 or 9, I lived with Mom again in South Park and attended Concord Elementary. I have a few memories of some neighborhood kids and our neighbors. I remember on payday Mom giving us allowance and we'd go buy penny and nickel candy and spend forever trading pieces back and forth. I remember Mom taking us to Cherry Daze for shirley temples and I'd always get extra cherries.

Then, one night, although I don't remember it, Tonda and I were woken up and taken to our Grandparents. Mom had been shot while at work. She was working at a bar. A man came in and began ordering drinks, then after a while he pulled a gun and told Mom to go into the back, as she was waalking , he shot her in the back of her head. Somehow, she survived, but with some small fragments behind, they were too close to the brain for the doctors to get, they feared causing permanent damage.

Back to living with my Grandparents again. I was 9 now. Mom had decided to move to Alaska. My Grandmother convinced my 9 year old mind, that Alaska was full of nothing but igloos and Eskimos. As a result, when Mom asked if I wanted to go with  , I said no. I missed getting to grow up with her. Having been apart form my own children for 7 years when they were young, I can now look back and imagine her pain over my choice. She did what she thought best and let me decide.

Several years passed. I lost my Grandfather at 16, the only Dad I had ever had growing up. I began wondering about Mom again as I sometimes did. I was 16 or 17 now. Wondering why I never got a letter, a card, a gift on special days. I dug through my Grandmother's things one day while she was out and found my Mom's number  and address hidden away. I took that weeks allowance and got a roll of quarters. I had my boyfriend take me to a pay phone. I called the number nervously. A voice answered and I asked for Karen. she said it was, and instantly began to cry. She recognized me! After all those years, and my voice changing and maturing , she still knew me. That meant so much to me that day! I had so many missing pieces to the puzzle of my life. I had been given so few sufficient answers to my questions. Now, I had a puzzle piece back. We kept in touch with me calling about once a month.

I flew to see her at 17. She instantly recognized me at the airport. It felt so good. Her hugs, her smell, her face. I stayed about a week and a half, may be two weeks. It was the only Christmas I can remember with her,  although I know time-wise, there were a few I couldn't remember.

She and my sister flew down when I was 18. It ws wonderful seeing her and my sister again! It was short, but valuable for me. She had become my champion, defender and cheerleader. I knew she loved me. I had waited a long time to feel that.

I saw her next when my youngest was a baby, under a year. Mom flew down and I got to see her a few times while she was in Washington. She always loved me no matter what I was doing.

Next I saw her at the airport when she was moving from Alaska to Texas. She had a layover at SeaTac. It was only a few short hours, but priceless to me. I'd have gone for 5 minutes with her.

I treasured every phone call with her. She had a tradition of calling extremely early every year on my birthday. It meant the world to her to be the first to call and wish me Happy Birthday. I looked forward to it every year. We spent so many hours on the phone over the years. In '99  I got a cell with unlimited long distance and then there was no dollar amount stopping our conversations. I'd call her on my drives to work just to talk and hear her voice. It was my lifeline to her. Neither of us could afford to travel and see each other, so I used the tool I had to work with. We got to know each other pretty well over the years. I could talk to her about absolutely anything! With her I could laugh, cry, vent, whatever. She was always available when I called, as if time stopped for us both.

In 2003 I got a frightening call from my sister. Mom was in the hospital. She'd had a stroke a year or so prior and recovered, but was having memory problems and falling. They were running tests of all kinds and had done a biopsy. I wanted to go see her so badly! Some acquaintances heard my story, and told me to come to their home. They gave me a check for the amount of airfare to see my Mom. I flew down and a friend of my sister's picked me up and drove me to Mom's house. I got there late, it had to have been 10 or 11 at night and Mom had just been released from the hospital that day. I entered her home. She was sitting in her chair in the living room. The first things out of her mouth was "Get over here and sit on Mom's lap". I was apprehensive with her just getting out of the hospital , but she insisted. I was 38 and happily sitting on my Mommy's lap hugging. I never wanted to leave that spot. She called her doctor every day , only to be told they didn't have her results yet. Then came the day of her oncologist appointment. I went with her and her husband Jimmy, a wonderful man.
The doctor gave her a diagnosis with a mile long name. She told him to give it to her in layman's terms. He said "You have the fastest growing, most aggressive form of cancer you can get. It's brain cancer and inoperable. We will do chemo and radiation, but it won't cure it" She asked how long she had. He replied" Ma'am , I'd be surprised if you made it a year. I sat there with her stunned. I went to the restroom, cried, cleaned up my face and make up and went back in. We left and went to lunch then home.

She was amazing that day. she called her sisters and brother and gave them the news. She had Jimmy get her special things out of her china hutch and marked which things went to Tonda, and which to me. I was there a week and a half I think. She was strong the whole time. She made sure we had fun and laughs. I went home, and three weeks later , got the dreaded call that she was gone. I remember telling my sister I was going to finish getting ready for work after our call. Well, the shock wore off after getting off the phone and I called in to work to tell them I would not be there that day. I called my Mom's favorite Aunt that I knew quite well. She and my Great Uncle paid my plane fare to Texas for Mom's memorial.

She was the strongest , most amazing woman I'm sure I'll ever know. She foster parented while in Alaska, always taking in kids needing a home. While raising my sister, she worked 2 and 3 jobs at a time to make ends meet.  When I would struggle she always encouraged me telling me I could make it through. She could always make me smile. For 8 years now I've missed those early morning birthday calls. All that remains now are my few pictures of her, my scattered childhood memories and hours , probably years worth of wonderful, valuable phone conversations. I treasure each one trying to hang on to the memory of her voice and her phrases she'd use.

On this, the anniversary of the ever dreaded call that no one wants, ever, I remember you Mom. My friend, my confidant, my shoulder to cry one, my hero. I love you Mom and always will, that will surely not fade with time.

So Thankful

I am thankful I got to see my daughter and grandsons today. I am thankful I got to hug my daughter and grandsons, I love hugs. I am thankful to again see the precious smiles on the 2 most special little boys. I am thankful for healing conversation and shared tears. I am thankful for grace and mercy when it's shown to me and when I can extend it to those I love. I'm thankful for the ability to extend unconditional love. I'm thankful to be a mother and grandmother. I'm thankful for wonderful , supportive friends who are willing to listen, share tissue, provide chololate, pray, pick me up when I'm falling into a pit of despair, share laughs and tears. I'm thankful my husbands flu left after only one day. I'm thankful for a caring shepherd. I'm thankful for a caring , safe place to fellowship.

Birthday wish for little Gabe

Gabe,
      This is how I will always remember you, full of smiles and laughs. You've always had such an easy going personality. I remember this first time you stayed the night with me. You were only a few months old. We sat together on the hide-a-bed and I sat there singing to you, You Are My Sunshine, Jesus Loves Me. Every time I sang, you'd get quiet and watch me, if I stopped you'd get restless, so I'd sing again and you'd get quiet. You have always loved music and would try to move with the beat of it since you were able to move . You love to dance. You get that from a long line of music loving women in our family, my Grandma, My Great Aunt,  Mom, Sisters, Me and your Mom. I hope it always brings you as much joy and comfort as it always has for me.
    I miss you Bub. You light up my life and bring me so much joy. Every little smile, every giggle, our hide and seek games, teaching you Itsy Bitsy Spider-I love that you make your parents do that song every night now. I love the feel of your arms wrapped around my neck. I miss that the most.
    I can't be with you on your birthday this year Gabe, I want you to know I really wanted to though. I pray somehow God will let you know that and that I still love you (t---h----i----s) much! You stole my heart the day you were born, and I've never been the same since. I never thought I could love another child as much as my own, you changed that.
   I pray for you Gabe. I pray you grow big and strong. I pray that somehow you grow in knowledge and love of the Lord. I pray you will be a mighty warrior for Him, that your heart will be sold out for God and that nothing turns you away from Him. I pray He influences every decision you ever make. I pray you will do something with the music you love so much.  I pray that God's word is written on your heart.
    I pray you have a wonderful birthday Gabe.

   Grandam loves you and misses you.

Abuse...What does it look like?

In tho photo above, you see a list of some components of abuse. Abuse can be physical, sexual, verbal, psychological, spiritual and on the list goes.

A recent event brought this to the surface of my mind again. To start, let's identify what it can look like in various forms.

Elder Abuse/Neglect : The aged community make some of the easiest targets for abusers. Some abuse is physical, especially if they are infirmed in some way. Relatives, or caregivers have been caught on video beating the elderly.
One such video was on the news. A family member suspected the caregiver of abusing her aged father. She set up a hidden video camera in his room, and sure enough, unprovoked he was beaten. Thankfully, because of the evidence this person was convicted.
Another form of abuse the aged can fall victim to in financial abuse. People in their elder years who may have accumulated a small savings, oft end up bilked out of every penny. They are sometimes quick to feel compassion for someone with a hard luck story. Once the perpetrator sees their plan worked, they will continue the ruse with sob story after sob story till the well runs dry.
Even more appalling is some, usually women fall victim to sexual abuse because they aren't in a position to put up a fight.

Some people will choose disabled individuals as their target , mind you they may be child or adult and every form of abuse imaginable is inflicted upon them.

Verbal Abuse: Occurs when one person uses words and body language to inappropriately criticize another person. Verbal abuse often involves 'putdowns' and name-calling intended to make the victim feel they are not worthy of love or respect, and that they do not have ability or talent. If the victim speaks up against these statements, they are often told that the criticisms were "just a joke", and that it is their own problem that they do not find the joke funny. They may also be told that no abuse is happening; that it is "all in their head". Verbal abuse is dangerous because it is often not easily recognized as abuse, and therefore it can go on for extended periods, causing severe damage to victim's self-esteem and self-worth.

This can look like: Being told they are ashamed to be seen with you. Being told you're no good and you'll never amount to anything. Being told you're ugly, fat, stupid, etc., and no one else would want you. Being told you're useless. Being told none of their friends like you and don't come over because of you. Sarcastic , mean comments couched as " I was only kidding". Being told you can't do anything right. The list for this can be extensive. I'm sure at some point, most of us have heard at least some of these statements. I know I have.

Psychological Abuse (also known as mental abuse or emotional abuse):  Occurs when one person controls information available to another person so as to manipulate that person's sense of reality; what is acceptable and what is not acceptable. Psychological abuse often contains strong emotionally manipulative content designed to force the victim to comply with the abuser's wishes. It may be emotional abuse in this sense when it is designed to cause emotional pain to victims or to “mess with their heads” in attempts to gain compliance and counter any resistance. Alternatively, psychological abuse may occur when one victim is forced to watch another be abused in some fashion (verbally, emotionally, physically or sexually). Like verbal abuse, psychological abuse is often not recognized as abuse early on and can result in serious psychological after effects later on.

What does this look like? You name it. Finding evidence your mate is being unfaithful and when confronting them being told you're making it all up, you're paranoid, you're crazy. Say you distinctly remember them saying something, and when you bring it up they vehemently deny it to the point you question it yourself. You may start to second guess everything. This throws you completely off base making you question if what you think happened really did, or did you imagine or dream it. I've been here too.

Sexual Abuse: I think I don't need to go into detail here. Due to the age of possible readers, I don't care to elaborate here. Suffice to say, if you've ever been told it's your fault, you asked for it and the like, or was made to go further than you wanted, it qualifies. Let me say too, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! Whatever threats you may have been told, don't believe them. They are a manipulative tool used to keep you from telling. GO TELL!

Neglect:  Occurs when a person fails to provide for the basic needs of one or more dependent victims he or she is responsible for. Basic needs include adequate and appropriate food, shelter, clothing, hygiene, and love or care. The idea of neglect presupposes that the neglectful person is capable of being responsible in the first place. For example, it is neglect when an employed parent fails to care for their child adequately. It is still neglect when a parent is unable to provide for their child despite their best efforts due to extreme poverty or illness, but the neglect is perhaps mitigated by the circumstances. Neglect can only happen to dependent persons. For this reason, it most typically involves children or dependent elders who are not taken care of properly by their families or caregivers.

Self explanatory here. If you see signs of it, either a person dropping weight or can't gain weight, doesn't have clean clothes, looks unkempt, please report it!

One I must throw in here is Neglect/Manipulation/Control: Do you have love or affection withheld from you if you don't do what they want? Are you given the silent treatment, or ignored? This also is abuse. They do this to make you do what they,  want when they want and how they want. Are you deprived of access to a vehicle, phone, money?  Withholding affection from you is neglect and is a manipulative, controlling tool. Denying you access to car or cash is because they are afraid you would leave! Get out!

Physical Abuse:  Occurs when one person uses physical pain or threat of physical force to intimidate another person. Actual physical abuse may involve simple slaps or pushes, or it may involve a full on physical beating complete with punching, kicking, hair pulling, scratching, and real physical damage sufficient in some cases to require hospitalization. In particularly violent instances, people can die from the injuries they sustain while being physically abused. Physical abuse is abusive whether bruises or physical damage occur or not. Physical abuse may involve the mere threat of physical violence if the victim does not comply with the wishes of the abuser, and still be considered physical abuse.

I was witness to this just yesterday. I saw a man hit a woman in her side. She ran into her apartment , locking the door. He broke the door in. I called the police thinking they would come in with blaring sirens and flashing lights within seconds , especially when I specified this as a domestic violence call. I heard lot of bumping and thumping which I presumed was her hitting walls as she was tossed around. I heard her screams. I broke into a sweat. My heart pounded. He left. Finally 10-15 minutes later the police arrived. She could have been dead by then . These situations can escalate at the speed of light. I cannot tell you how very angry I was that it took them so long. Her relatives came. I saw her limping to the car to be seen at the hospital. I saw her again today, wearing a leg brace.

Another scenario: I'm 6 or 7, laying in bed with my little sister, four years younger than I. It's a weekend. I hear my mom and her husband in their room. He wants her to get up and make coffee. She wants a little more time to just relax before getting up. He's not getting his way. Things escalate. I hear my mom being beaten with his belt, like he would do to me, only not as severe as what I was hearing. She is screaming. I lay frozen. I'm a little girl. What can I do against this guy who terrifies me? She eventually comes running to our room and lays between us. In he comes with a bucket of ice water and dumps it on all 3 of us.

Example 2: I had a friend who's mom would be locked into her home every day when her husband left for work. Oh, and he would take the phones with him. God help her if there had ever been a fire or medical emergency.

Example 3: High school boyfriend. First love (or so I thought). Four and a half years of barely being allowed to hang with my girlfriends because he was paranoid they were trying to hook me up with someone else. In between classes, he had friends of his follow me and report to him if I talked to any guys, even friends I had known since grade school. If I did, there was hell to pay . Did I mention he could talk to whoever he wanted and that was supposed to be ok. Got into an argument one time, I was hit and karate kicked till I was bruised on my arms and legs. I went to school in late spring wearing long sleeves. I was made to hide in the closet if his folks came over. Sometimes they would stay for over an hour. I was told I was fat and he was ashamed to be seen with me. I quit eating for 3 days till I almost passed out. I went on a crash diet and exercise routine that summer so he'd hold my hand when we walked down the hall at school.

Example 4: Me again. Married 15 years, with him for 18. This list is way too long, so I'll just give you the short version. Unfaithfulness every 3 or so years, so I felt inadequate. So much so, I stayed, convinced no one else would want me or care. Told I was ugly, lazy , etc. Screamed at at such a close range, my ears would ring for hours afterward. Pinned to the wall or floor by my then long hair. Grabbed, cornered. Things thrown at or near me. Couch flipped over while I was on it. Knife stabbed into to arm of the couch inches from my arm. Car windows busted while I was in the car. Phone ripped out of the wall so I can't call for help. Spit on. Coffee thrown at me, and yes, it was hot. Told it was all my fault. Told it was all in my head, I was crazy.....

Do guys like this start out looking abusive? No. They often come off as very charming and sweet, charismatic. Everyone loves them. This is intentional! Why? So you'll fall for them, and once you're hooked, all hell breaks loose. The 2nd reason is so they are perceived as so nice and kind and fun, if you do try to tell, no one believes you or thinks it must be you're fault because _____ isn't usually like that at all.

Please, do me a favor, if any of this has happened to you or someone you know, TELL. Keep telling till someone, anyone believes you and is willing to help. I know it's scary to think of leaving what you're used to no matter how much you hate it. Do it anyway! The outside world  is a lot less scary than the situation you're in. There is help. There are people who care for you. Don't believe the lies. They want to keep you trapped!

Call a domestic violence hot line. Call 911. Call a friend. Call a Pastor. Keep calling till you get the help you need. You ARE worth it! You DESERVE it! There is a wonderful, glorious life waiting for you on the other side of abuse. It's there for the taking. Yes, it will take some time and work to reprogram yourself, to find your voice and self worth, but what a wonderful feeling when you decide you deserve better, that you have value! You CAN do it. You can have a better life, better than you ever dared to hope for or imagine. Take a chance on you. You are wonderful! You have value! You are beautiful! You can do anything and be anything you put your mind to!

Make a change today. Don't wait. You may not get another chance .

Birthday Message

I remember the day you were born. I raced feverishly to the hospital. I encountered a road accident, ramp closures and detours, all the while praying diligently that you'd wait till I could get there. You waited for me. I was awake for over 24 hours by the time I got back home afterward. I stood for hours waiting in anticipation to be among the first to meet and hold you. I remember the first glimpses of you as I saw your full head of hair. Oh, finally, the day I waited for. The birth of my 2nd grandson. What a joyous morning that was. I held you and stared at you in amazement. How tiny and precious. You are my 2nd, but no less important. You have your very own special place in  my heart. I remember your first teeth . I remember you starting to crawl.
I love singing to you. I love how you love music. I love your chubby little face and body. My little sumo.
Today is your first birthday and how I wish I were with you. I long to hold you and see your huge smile. I want you to know, I'm not missing your birthday because I want to. Sometimes life circumstances make for cruel twists and turns that we have no control of. Please know that my absence does not mean I love you any less. On the contrary, my heart aches. Work was hard today my little love as I looked at your face sitting on my desk in a frame. I love you with an undying love and I hope some day I will see you again and we can play and sing.
Happy birthday sumo. Grandma loves you bunches!

The Difference Kindness Makes

I love this quote.... " Kindness in words creates confidence, kindness in thinking creates profoundness, kindness in giving creates love.


A recent event made me really meditate on kindness.
Let's start with what kindness is...

Adjective: Having or showing a friendly nature, generous, considerate nature, liberal, agreeable, beneficial, warm-hearted nature,  Showing sympathy or understanding; charitable, Humane;  Forbearing; tolerant.

I was told by someone , "You were one of the few who showed me kindness years ago."

I thought about  this all morning and a good part of the afternoon.

What did I do that was so different, that made such an impact? I would target them whenever I saw them and make a bee-line to go talk with them , laugh with them, and let them know I noticed them there. It really didn't expend any energy and took little effort, but the results have led to a long lasting friendship that greatly impacted them and still does.
It really blesses me that what I looked at as every day normal behavior, really stood out to someone.  Why is this? That leads me to the conclusion that sadly, at least in their life, in that setting, that was not the norm of behavior they were used to receiving. That should not be.

What do the Scriptures say about kindness?
Of the Proverbs 31 woman in verse 26 it says,  " She opens her mouth in wisdom and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. "
That means , at least to me, she is teaching others to act in kind. Teaching others to be forbearing, generous, tolerant and accepting.
Micah 6: 8  He has told you , O man, what is good: And what does the L-rd require of you But to do justice, to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your L-rd.
We are instructed to love kindness. Translated by definition, we should love being generous, showing a friendly nature, being tolerant, liberal with our affection toward others, beneficial, and warm hearted to name a few.

Acts 9: 36  Now in Joppa there was a certain disciple named Tabitha ( which translated in Greek is called Dorcas) ; this woman was abounding with deeds of kindness and charity, which she continually did.
What is abounding? Having in large amounts. She did large amounts of kindness and charity.

Kindness is part of the fruit of the Spirit. Scripture says we will know one another by our fruit, so we should be on the lookout for these as evidence of one's faith in the Most High.

Gal 5:22-23  But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self control; against such things there is no law.

If then we are Believers in Messiah, we should see abounding acts of kindness in each other. If we are not seeing these manifestations of the fruit, we would be wise to question if the Ruach truly lives inside.

Further, we are commanded to manifest these attributes.

Col. 3:12 -17  And so, as those who have been chosen of G-d, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the L-rd forgave you, so also should you. And beyond all these things put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body; and be thankful. Let the word of Christ richly dwell within you, with all wisdom teaching and admonishing one another with psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with thankfulness in your hearts to G-d. And whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the L-rd Yeshua, giving thanks through Him to G-d the Father.

In the above passage, it says if we are chosen by G-d, we are to put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. If we are truly His, we are to act like it! How do we put these things on? We do as Paul said and die daily to the acts of our sinful nature. Every time we act out of line with the verses above, we immediately stop, take inventory of our thoughts and actions, repent, seek forgiveness of those we've injured, and with G-d's help, not act contrary to His word again. Over time, this should get easier, starving the old sinful nature to death, and feeding the new man within. We are to constantly renew our minds with the washing of His word. This re-arranges our mind and thoughts which in turn changes our behavior.
In the verses above, bearing with one another, and forgiving each other are also acts of kindness,as are admonishing one another with psalms and hymns and spiritual songs.

1 Pet. 2:1-3  Therefore, putting aside all malice and all guile and hypocrisy and envy and ALL slander, like newborn babies, long for the pure milk of the word, that by it you may grow in respect to salvation, IF you have tasted the kindness of the L-rd.

Conclusion of this verse? IF we are His, we will put aside malice, guile, hypocrisy, and slander. IF we have tasted His kindness, it will manifest in us, and to the degree we allow Him to change and heal us, we will act in kindness toward others. I have to wonder, when I see people who claim to know Him, and yet treat others poorly, are they really His. Not to the point of judging, because that is certainly not my job, but it does raise questions in my mind. It makes me ever more mindful of how I act and speak, so others do not have that question in their mind about me. I desire to live in such a way, there is never any question raised about Whom I serve, or if I'm chosen. I want my life, words and actions so full of Him, that it screams YES, she is Mine!

2 Pet. 1:5-11   Now for this very reason also, applying in diligence, in your faith supply moral excellence, and in your moral excellence, knowledge; and in your knowledge, self-control, and in your self-control, perseverance, and in your perseverance, godliness; and in your godliness, brotherly kindness, and in your brotherly kindness, love. For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they render you neither useless nor unfruitful in the true knowledge of our L-rd Yeshua Messiah. For he who lacks these qualities is blind or short-sighted, having forgotten his purification from his former sins. Therefore, brethren, be all the more diligent to make certain about His calling and choosing you; for as long as you practice these things, you will never stumble; for in this way the entrance into the eternal kingdom of our L-rd and Savior Yeshua Messiah will be abundantly supplied to you.

If we do not manifest these things, we are blind, having forgotten our  purification from our former sins. So I can presume this, if I do not manifest these things , I sin, and do not have evidence that my former self has been put to death. It is still alive and thriving.

To me, these verses are a wonderful barometer check.

What would it look like if we all began acting with more patience, being quick to forgive? What would it look like if we stopped aiming our mouth at others in a negative way as if it were a rapid fire machine gun, and spoke with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs? If people responded in shock, that would be a sure indicator we have not been kind, and our sin nature is alive still, and needs to be crucified.

Here's a real life example. When you see a Goth person, what is your first reaction?  Do words of judgement run through your mind ? Are you critical of them? Is your gut instinct to go redress and reprogram them?
What if we re-arrange our thinking. What if, instead we pondered....  1)  I wonder if something hurtful happened that caused them to put on a barrier they assume will repel others. OR 2) They are not afraid of what others think about them. They would make an awesome Believer, they don't let the opinions of others define them.

Let us all focus more on doing acts of kindness, so that we can see the difference kindness makes.

Beautiful Pain

Beautiful pain. These words may not seem to go together, but, oh, they do. Let me paint a picture of what beautiful pain looks like....

Beautiful pain brought you into my life. From the moment I saw and held you, it was worth it.
Every tear wiped away in love as something brought you pain.
Beautiful pain, my memories of you as I wondered where you were and held onto God's promise to me.
Beautiful pain, each time you've come back and left again.
Beautiful pain, the laughs, the smiles and fun. Memories that should bring joy,but right now bring hurt and feelings of loss.
Beautiful pain, I remember your moments of hurt, holding you
and wishing I could fix it or take it for you.
Beautiful pain, as I look into your your eyes, and gaze at your face.
I see the beauty on the outside and the pain and brokenness within.
I see you fight to camouflage every hurtful memory of your past,
and fail as the broken pieces of your past  shine through in your actions.
Beautiful pain, I know your potential and see you settle for so much less.
Beautiful pain, you struggle to feel beautiful as words from your past trap you convincing you  that you are less than.
Beautiful pain, your babies look to you for words of life and receive pain in their place.
Beautiful pain, so sure you're doing it right, as you function out of your damaged past.
Beautiful pain, I reflect and wish I had done a better job, convinced I could have.
Beautiful pain, knowing God's plan and seeing the enemy fight all the more for you.
Beautiful pain, seeing your little ones and wondering will they live your life too?
Beautiful pain, as a mother's heart breaks once again not wanting to breath.
Beautiful pain as I hold on to God's words yet again fighting to find comfort and hope.

Looking for light

I am thankful for a wonderful, caring husband who knows when to hold me tight.

I am thankful for friends who pour into me words of care, affirmation, encouragement and love. Who clear their busy lives for me when my heart aches.

I am thankful for my pets who love on me and make me smile with their silliness.

I am thankful for memories, though sometimes painful, some bring a smile.

I am thankful for my home. Yes, it's small, but it's my home.

I'm thankful for my little back yard streaming with little birds and squirrels, they bring me joy.

I'm thankful for all the little getaways my husband and I have had. It's such a blessing to have so many fun memories of our time together.

I'm thankful I serve such a wonderful God who loves me unconditionally. I'm thankful He placed such wonderful people in my life, each a treasure from His hand.

In Memorial

Today I remember my beloved Grandfather, Edward Joseph Sloan. I took my Grandfather's middle name as my son's middle name, in honor of the most influential man in  my life.
For as long as I can remember, I called him Dad.
Though he was grandfather age when he and my grandmother began raising me, he acted as a Dad of normal age. He played volleyball with me, soccer, baseball, croquet. He taught me to ride my 5 speed bike. He would take me to Lincoln Park and Alki to play in the sand. He had a huge love of the ocean, he couldn't get enough of it, which is why I imagine he joined the Navy.
He fought in WWII in the South Pacific.  I do not know what his rank was upon leaving, and never heard his war stories, he kept that all private. I admire him for his service nonetheless. One of my favorite photos, is of him in uniform with his troop. I'm the only one who has a copy of it and have cherished it over the years and I have one of his Navy pins which I have prized as a great trophy since he gave it to me as a child. Because of him, I love the Navy, always have. I share his love of the ocean, the sights and sounds of it. The ocean became my calming place. It is where I find peace when nothing else will do. I can get lost in listening to the ebb and flow of the waves, beach combing, searching for treasures.
He instilled in me my sense of family. From him I learned to be faithful to my family no matter what, to defend all in it. From him I learned the value of honesty and integrity. I learned how to be strong. From him I learned the importance of fun and laughter. He had the best sense of humor, and at 70 , would still watch Saturday morning cartoons. He and I would watch Barettta, Kojak, Barney Miller, Ironsides. We would watch football as he taught me the calls, which teams were good and which were not as we would bet a quarter a game, of course he always gave me first pick. He taught me poker games that we would play for hours. He was the best!
In the winter we would build snowmen and have snowball fights till I was numb from the cold. In the summer we would each grab a hose and have water fights, and when Grandma would come out to empty the trash , we took great joy in soaking her and laughing till we cried.
If I was sad, he was the only one who could pull a smile out me. I spent hours on his lap snuggling. That was the safest place in the world. Nothing could harm or bother me there, it was my haven.
Dad, I miss your lap, your smile and laughter and especially the mischievous twinkle in your eyes. You were the best Dad I could have had and I am thankful for having had you in my life. All the things I love and miss about you are forever in my heart. I will always carry you with me wherever I go for as long as I live. I love you still.

A Continuing Jouney

I loved finding this book in a gift shop! At first sight, I thought to myself, "This would be a great topic for a blog!" I knew exactly what I wanted it to be about.

Well, our plans are not always God's plans. As I lay in bed Monday night, I was re-directed by God. He told me its focus should be on my experiences, to focus on what I thought I once knew.

I'll start at the beginning, as all stories should have a beginning point.

As a very  small girl, I thought I knew where home was. My earliest memories are of living with my grandparents. Intermitently, I would live with my mom for short periods of time. In this back and forth of living situation, it led to my next thought.

I thought no one wanted me. In moving back and forth between my grandparents home and my mothers, I thought neither wanted me. In reality, both my grandparents and my mom wanted me. A child's vision is very different though. They feel rather than see. I had no way of knowing the struggle between my grandparents and my mom, and no one took time to fully explain or help me understand the scope of what was taking place. The end result being, this little girl who was being fought over, felt alone, abandoned, and unwanted.

This feeling has carried on into adulthood. Perpetuated , by what I thought were friends , hurting me, betraying me, making fun, and my own lack of understanding of what a friend looked like, I felt feelings of being unwanted.

Thankfully, over many years, God in His faithfulness, taught me the different levels of relationship. He taught me what a friend looked like, what an acquaintance is, what a best friend is. I no longer confuse them, which means I no longer pour myself into people who will feed the rejection so much. God has given me some very special freinds who nurture and encourage me.

I thought my family would always outlive me. I never dreamed of the day my grandfather would not be there for me. He was my only dad growing up. He was my buddy, my friend, my source of fun and laughter, my defender, my everything.

At 16, my everything was taken away by leukemia. I'll never forget that pain. Almost daily, something reminds me of him. I'll see his face, his smile. I'll hear his voice. I'll remember the first Thanksgiving dinner I cooked days before he passed. I'll remember hours of sitting in his lap....water fights...getting greasy under the hood of his Chevy...hammering nails in the fence with him...then....changing the tire on grandma's car because he was  ill...calling the ambulance...the long ride to the hospital...the dreaded phone call...the funeral...the pain, days,weeks and years of pain at his loss. My whole world changed. My champion was no more. Later, God would show me He was and is my champion. He became my everything. He would be my defender.

I thought my mom never wanted me. When I was 9, she moved to Alaska. I was given the chance to go , but my grandmother had convinced me Alaska was for igloos and Eskimos, and at 9, that was all I could envision of it. At 16, after losing my grandpa, something in me caused me to hunt for my mom, her address, phone number , something had to lead me to where she was. I found her number hidden in my grandmothers things. I got a roll of quarters and had my boyfriend take me to a payphone. Years of being told by my grandmother how no good my mother was, I knew not to ask to call from home. I called the number I found. My mom got on the phone, and after 7 years, instantly knew my voice and began to cry. That next Christmas, I took the bonds grandpa had purchased and saved for me, cashed them in and bought a plane ticket to Alaska. I spent a week and a half with my mom and sister. I got to ask the hard questions.."Where have you been all this time?" , "Why didn't you come get me?" , "Didn't you want me?", Why didn't I get a card or present in all that time?". She explained she had wanted me. My grandmother threatened to have her put in a mental institution if she didn't let her have me, and after years of the fight, she simply couldn't take any more. She had sent cards and gifts, I just didn't get them.

Finally, after years of not knowing, not understanding, I had some answers, even if it left other questions forever unanswered. I'll never know why my grandmother felt it necessary to keep me from my mom. I'll never know why my grandmother was so controlling and manipulative. I'm still left with some degree of confusion because my mom and grandmother both have different sides of what happened why, and neither would say their story was wrong. Will I never really know the entire truth , no, not in that situation. Years later, after my mom had passed at the age of 59 from a cancerous brain tumor, I lay on my friends floor at a prayer meeting one night, asking God why. Why with everyone I loved were they taken away, whether by death or other circumstances. He answered. He wanted mee to depend solely on Him. So was He cruel to me? No. He was using what happened to teach me to hear His voice, to wait for it, listen for it. He wanted me totally intertwined in Him and I have been.

I thought my grandfather was my dad. At 9, I met my real one for the first time. At 21 I spent time with  him when he came to Seattle with some of his new family, then later that year when I went to North Dakota, and again in 2005 and in 2008. I love him dearly. I am truly a daddy's girl, from my beloved grandpa, to my real dad. I love snuggling with my dad, even at my age, and letting him run his fingers through my hair as we talk and cry together. That relationship though, is also clouded in mystery and questions. My mom related stories of why she left him when she was pregnant with me and why she kept me from him  growing up. From my dad I hear a completely different story. How I wish I could gather these people and ghosts in one room, to confront them each to get the truth, just once.

I thought I knew what love and marriage looked like, or what they should be. Those concepts also came crashing down with unfaithfulness, immaturity, selfishness, abuse, betrayal, deceit, lies, and a host of other things. In my low self esteem, I ran to every guy who would give me the smallest amount of attention, feeling that finally, I'd feel validated. By the time I was in my 20's, I was continually asking, "Is my life destined to be filled with only pain?". After an 18 year relationship, again my world came crashing down. Again, a pain I will never forget, which led to panic attacks, more feelings of rejection and being unwanted. The pain drove me to a day I drove around in my car, having a massive panic attack/nervous breakdown that walked me to the edge of life and death. I drove, gun in lap, looking for somewhere to end the pain, once and for all. Thankfully, God, and someone He sent to rescue me from myself, prevented me from doing something rash.  Please do not think I wallow in self pity . I do not! Walk even a few years of my life though, and see how well you fare under the weight of all the things I've had to walk through, endure, and survive, with more often than not, no one to help me navigate through, groping through darkness as a blind person struggling to find the road to walk on without someone yanking the rug out from under me.

I thought my children would always be with me. Wrong again. Loss of jobs, led to loss of apartment and no where to go. Living with others, spending days in my car, or at a part time job I found, and nights in someones spare room, meant my children ended up with their dad. The plan was he would care for them till I was back on my feet. Sounded like the perfect solution. Wrong again. He ended up with custody, moved so often I eventually could no longer track him, and for 7 years I didn't see my babies and hadn't the foggiest where they were. Every holiday was full of emptiness and pain. Their birthdays and mother's day  were the very worst. I began drinking every night to try and numb it all. I engaged in some not so safe things. I didn't want to feel anymore. God was still there. God was still watching, trying to draw me back. He patiently waited for me to come to the end of myself. He waited for me to return to the One who really loved me all along. I did come back, only this time with a vengeance. I would not walk away again even though things still tried to rock my world. I would have struggles, but never walked away. He promised me my children and I would be united again. That has happened with one, my daughter. I'm waiting for my son and holding on to God's promise to me.

I thought faith  communities were loving, safe places, where people were emotionally healthy, knew how to love and not mistreat others like those in the world. So very wrong again. I've seen some , who were supposedly full of God's love, do some atrocious things, cause terrible pain, act cruelly and cause some to walk away from God.

I thought at different times my faith was strong, then along would come a circumstance that would test it to the point I questioned if I had any. Thankfully, those times do not last. The loving Father walks us through. He sends His angels to protect. He sends messengers in the form of friends, who come along, pick us up and carry us when needed. He speaks to us. We can when we most need Him , hear Him whisper, " I love you so much my precious little one. Climb up on my lap and I'll hold you and kiss your boo boos. I'll mend that broken heart of yours, if you'll just give Me the pieces. I'll give you gems of experiences of immeasurable wealth,  if You'll give me that broken memory you're holding on to. I'll carry you, I want to, if only you'll stop trying to walk in your own strength. I'll be your father, if you give me the image of the imperfect one in your heart. I'll be the best husband you've ever had,  if you'll submit to Me and let Me lead, let Me love you.

Each day, or at least each week, I find what I thought I knew or held on to, and God says, " Let me show you what you thought you knew, as I fill you with what I know and with My truth.

In each of these circumstances and so many more, He has been true to His word, working all things together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. The enemy came to me many times, to steal, kill and destroy...and God said, no you don't! You take your hands off my baby girl, she's Mine!

This is a continual journey without end. A journey that will lead us to a happy ending, only if we let it.

Remembering To Never Forget

" Those who do not learn from the past, are destined to repeat it."

Such a true quote! A week ago was Holocaust Memorial Day. What was the Holocaust you may ask.

The Holocaust (from the Greek ὁλόκαυστος holókaustos: hólos, "whole" and kaustós, "burnt"),^[2] also known as The Shoah (Hebrew: השואה, HaShoah, "calamity"; Yiddish: חורבן, Churben or Hurban,^[3] from the Hebrew for "destruction").

It was a time when millions were tortured and killed just for who they were.

Some friends and I went on the March For Remembrance in honor of those who perished during the Holocaust. The event was very well organized. There were memorial candles lit . There were stones and on each was the name of someone lost during this horrific time. There were quotes , poems and stories written by survivors and family members of victims. There were prayers recited.
Before the march began, each of us took a stone with a name on it and walked it across the Tacoma Narrows Bridge and at the other end left it on a makeshift headstone and walked back. While we were walking , the leader of the event and a few others remained behind reading names of those who did not survive this atrocious ordeal. In the time it took us to walk 2 miles, they had only made it through 350 names. I tried to fathom the time it would take to read the names of the over 6,000,000 and I could not imagine it, other than it would probably take days, maybe even weeks.
Why is it so important for us to "Never Forget" you may ask. Maybe you think to yourself that an event such as that may never happen again, or perhaps you think yourself safe because you're not Jewish.
Let me help you rethink this. I'll start with a question. How do you boil a frog? You gradually heat the water for if you were to put the frog in a scalding pot he would surely jump out.
This is the same thing Hitler did. He didn't start with his grand scale attack right off the bat. He started gradually with ideas others easily grabbed onto. Over time, his concept grew more and more radical and by then his forces were too large for those who were his target to combat, even those who opposed his ideas felt helpless to fight against it.

The persecution and genocide were carried out in stages. Various legislation to remove the Jews from civil society, predominantly the Nuremberg Laws, was enacted in Nazi Germany years before the outbreak of World War II. Concentration camps were established in which inmates were used as slave labor until they died of exhaustion or disease.

So, you're still thinking it wouldn't have affected you because you're not Jewish? Let me enlighten you a bit...

Some scholars maintain that the definition of the Holocaust should also include the Nazis' genocide of millions of people in other groups, including Romani (more commonly known in English by the exonym "Gypsies"), Soviet prisoners of war, Polish and Soviet civilians, homosexuals, people with disabilities, Jehovah's Witnesses and other political and religious opponents, which occurred regardless of whether they were of German or non-German ethnic origin.^[6] Using this definition, the total number of Holocaust victims is between 11 million and 17 million people.

Is this a little eye opening for you? It also included Democrats, Union Socialists, Freemasons,political enemies, those to weak to work. Also remember, disabilities aren't just physical, those with emotional disabilities were fair game as well.

So , who would ever help such an evil man as Hitler ? Who would help evil prevail?

Parish churches and the Interior Ministry supplied birth records showing who was Jewish; the Post Office delivered the deportation and denaturalization orders; the Finance Ministry confiscated Jewish property; German firms fired Jewish workers and disenfranchised Jewish stockholders; the universities refused to admit Jews, denied degrees to those already studying, and fired Jewish academics; government transport offices arranged the trains for deportation to the camps; German pharmaceutical companies tested drugs on camp prisoners; companies bid for the contracts to build the crematoria; detailed lists of victims were drawn up using the Dehomag (IBM Germany) company's punch card machines, producing meticulous records of the killings. As prisoners entered the death camps, they were made to surrender all personal property, which was carefully catalogued and tagged before being sent to Germany to be reused or recycled. Berenbaum writes that the Final Solution of the Jewish question was "in the eyes of the perpetrators ... Germany's greatest achievement."

Saul Friedländer writes that: "Not one social group, not one religious community, not one scholarly institution or professional association in Germany and throughout Europe declared its solidarity with the Jews." He writes that some Christian churches declared that converted Jews should be regarded as part of the flock, but even then only up to a point.

Surely , you would think, Christians would never be a part of something like this. Think again. They even funded Hitler's movement!


Maybe you're thinking, "well, extermination was at least quick". Re-think that too. They were not just killed. They were used in horrible experiments which I will not go into detail about, but that you can read about on your own.

I can remember in school, being shown the films, books, and information about the Holocaust, and sitting there in shock looking at the mass graves, wondering , " Why didn't anyone stop them sooner?"  " How could this happen?"

The answer...Two things..

1. "the road to Auschwitz was built by hate, but paved with indifference".

Indifference is a very dangerous thing! Too many didn't care as long as it didn't touch them. To not take a side, is to take a side. We must every day choose to do good. We must fight against injustice when we see a wrong being committed. We MUST be the voice for those who do not have their own, or don't have the strength to use it. We must carry one another's burdens and fight each others causes, or we will fall victim to the same sorts of evil that prevailed during the Holocaust!

So many of the Jewish people who were confined to camps, had such a will to live, to survive this evil.

In every ghetto, in every deportation train, in every labor camp, even in the death camps, the will to resist was strong, and took many forms. Fighting with the few weapons that would be found, individual acts of defiance and protest, the courage of obtaining food and water under the threat of death, the superiority of refusing to allow the Germans their final wish to gloat over panic and despair. Even passivity was a form of resistance. To die with dignity was a form of resistance. To resist the demoralizing, brutalizing force of evil, to refuse to be reduced to the level of animals, to live through the torment, to outlive the tormentors, these too were acts of resistance. Merely to give a witness of these events in testimony was, in the end, a contribution to victory. Simply to survive was a victory of the human spirit."

– Martin Gilbert. The Holocaust: The Jewish Tragedy

Let this cause us to take time and reflect. Have any of us been witness to a wrong that we personally did nothing to stop? Have we wondered what to do , and did nothing because we couldn't find the right answer?

2. "All that is necessary for evil to prevail is for good men to do nothing."

I say, to do something and be slightly wrong in approach , is better than doing nothing to stop injustice, unrighteousness and evil.


Let each of us , ever day


Remember To Never Forget. In forgetting, you may lose yourself or a loved one.

Questions Continue

First of all, please excuse my randomness. I'm not usually that way, but events have caused questions and thoughts to continually race through my mind. I find it slightly unsettling to be bombarded by them day and night as I attempt to sort through them. I find myself asking " Where is the off switch for these thoughts and my emotions about them?"
Here is what I'm left asking...

Is it what I thought it was, and then it changed along the way ?
(If so, then why did no one discern it and stop the change? Why is it that we would not have listened if someone would have said something ?)
Was it a grand illusion the entire time?
( This option bothers me for several reasons. If so, how did I buy into it after having just come out of a very similar situation? Why would people portray such a thing with the intent of deceiving?)
Why didn't I listen to the voice of reason 3 years ago ?
Why have I,  more than once, put myself under leaders who are controlling?
Where are all those people who said they were my friend ? ( How could they have been so interwoven in my life, only to later walk away ? )
Why have they not contacted me after me being gone for 5 months ?
Were they ever really my friends ?
Were they my friends, and then we just grew apart ? If so, why?
Did they stop hanging around just because my time at our meeting place was limited down the line ? If so, why should that make a difference ? ( If your friends , your friends, right ?)
Did they fake it for some unknown reason, only to drop me later ? Why?
Were they my friend and then somehow we grew apart ? 
Why do they shun those that leave ? Leaving should NOT sever a relationship. Proximity should not govern relationship!
Why do those early memories have to be so good that they make the later events so much more painful ?
Why all the judgement and condemnation of those they deem not measuring up to THEIR version of holiness ? ( Is it not God who judges?  Does God not correct with love and gentleness? Is it not Satan who condemns and ridicules ? )
Where is the Fruit of the Spirit in those portraying themselves as having it all together ?
Where is the love ? ( Loving your neighbor is not defined as only loving those in your core group! )
And, lastly, how on earth did I ever let myself act like them? Much to repent for I have.

Random Thoughts

Eye bouncing? Really? That's the answer to your issue/s? How about the Biblical approach...confession, repentance, seeking forgiveness, humility.

Secrets trap YOU! Tell them to people you can trust, sometimes public confession is required. Once in the open, Satan cannot use them against you nor torment you with them.

All this talk of pornography..mayhaps someone has a problem they don't want exposed, and if it's not that one, it's just as damaging to your marriage.

I KNOW. God talks to people, yes plural, and I'm one of those who listen when He does.

How can you speak of grace and mercy and love, and be so incapable of showing it to those outside your family or core group?

People are NOT slots to fill. When they leave, find out why! Show you care and ask! Don't act cold and uncaring. If you care, more people may come.

Do NOT yell or raise your voice! Show compassion! LOVE people!

How dare you hurt people so badly and deeply! Shame on you!

Anger manifests because of fear or unmet needs. If you have either, deal with it in a Godly manner instead of taking it out on others who had nothing to do with the causes of fear or unmet needs. Grow up. Stop acting like a 2 year old throwing a tantrum!

You need both wisdom and knowledge coupled with love and discernment. If you have one without the others, that one attribute is useless.

If you have no discernment , it behooves you to listen to those who do and not discount them.

If you are a leader, you are in a sad state if you can announce that you can count on one hand the number of times you've heard God's voice! Dare I say, you shouldn't be leading anything, not even a family. A leader should hear form God regularly, Moses did. If you don't hear from Him, maybe you're not serving Him. His sheep know His voice.

Do not belittle or discount women. Yeshua was very close to them. When  He came out of the tomb, who did He appear to first? You guessed it, women! Without us , y'all wouldn't be here! We're good for more than cooking, cleaning and giving birth!

Newsflash!...we DO have a mind of our own. We are not influenced nor controlled by anyone. We love our friends, we don't obey them or follow them mindlessly. You insult us when you make these assumptions.

We obey God! We need not submit to ungodly leadership.

We know you are watching....have fun!

Thoughts on Pesach

While trying to muster up the energy, which lately is ever lacking, and the drive, which is certainly gone, to clean for Pesach this morning, I found myself asking " Why is this so hard, so tedious, strenuous?" I have no ambition this year. I'm finding I have no energy. My anal tendency to clean thoroughly is gone. I'm told by some it's partly due to hormones..hurray. I watch my young, vibrant , daughter do things I used to, and wonder, will I ever get that back?
Back to my thoughts...as I was working on cleaning, and asking why it's so hard, I heard that very familiar voice ask, "Why at times is it so hard for me to clean you? Why at times do you resist? Why , sometimes, do I have to allow you to go through situations that are painful for Me to watch you endure to get you to get out of a situation or do My will?"
Those  words make my heart ache. I try so hard to be pliable to Him, and I've made great strides in that over the years. I'm much more ready and willing to submit to His voice. Still, it pains me to know that at times, for all my trying, I still bring Him sorrow and probably frustration. Yet, it comforts me even to hear those painful words He sends to cause me to check myself. I am pleased that I can so easily hear Him when He speaks, for to not hear His words, would fill me with fear of not walking in His presence.

This year, as Pesach approaches, I'm again meditating on the meaning of the Exodus and God's redemption of those He calls His, of being part of those whom Yeshua said can never be snatched from His hand. What a glorious place to be, in His hand. At times, though, this is a place of uncertainty, even as we trust Him with all we are. Each year, we are to re-read the Exodus account, and try to relate to the Israelites coming out of Egypt and how God has through times, taken us out of our present Egypt.
Four years ago, as I was at a friend's celebrating Pesach, I for the first time, related to the feelings of the Israelites. In the phase of life I was in, I was in a painful place. As we were going through the Haggadah, I sat there with tears filling my eyes, as I heard God say "I'm taking you out of Egypt". How very painful that was, full of mixed emotions. At that time, I knew God was not restoring my broken marriage. It was all I was familiar with, all I knew, even though not healthy, and I was full of fear of the unknown,as the Israelites surely would have been. I was being removed from my people, from what I knew, and taken into a wilderness of unknowns. At that same moment, a small part of me was excited to know I would be free from years of terrorism, control, rage aimed at me, hurtful words and actions of betrayal. I did not know where I would end up, where my promised land lay, but knew I had to trust the One who was in control of my life.

This year, again, through different circumstances, some of us have been taken out of Egypt. We are walking through the wilderness, wondering how long our journey will be, where will that awaited for promised land be. As of yet, we've only been shown glimpses of what God is doing as He brings healing, brings us glorious moments of time that we can immerse ourselves in Him through worship.
We follow the voice of our glorious Master, following the cloud of His presence, listening for His every instruction, following by faith the path layed in front of each of us, trusting Him to lead. We wait upon Him, seeking His face.
May we this year, continue to hear Him. May we continue to worship Him with ALL of our being in sweet surrender to the One who knows the outcome, who knows exactly where He will take us. May we all stay pliable to the Master potter who molds us into exactly what He planned before we drew our first breath.

Questions

What if people you thought cared, suddenly showed they didn't?
What if people you thought had integrity, showed their moral failure?
What if those who are supposed to be loving, acted with contempt?
What if those you trusted, suddenly alienated you?
What if those who you thought loved you, treated you with only  judgement and criticism?
What if those you trusted your feelings with, maligned and slandered you, and even betrayed you?
What if what you once loved, proved to be a falacy?
What if at your crucial time of need, no one came to hold you up?
What if you poured yourself into something, only to find it wasn't worth it?
What if those you thought loved you, let you walk away without question?
What if what you thought was real, proved to be an illusion?
What if you thought you were in a completely safe place, only to be emotionally tortured there?
What if those you felt secure with, turned on you and attacked your character?
What if once sweet words, turned evil and maliscious?
What if the place you were a core part of, suddenly rejected you completely casting you aside?
What if your supposed defenders, became your attackers?
What if those who teach truth, are full of lies?
What if those who talk of grace, show none when you need it most?
What if those who share wisdom, have none themself?
How can someone who speaks of discernment have none?
How can one who speaks of the Spirit, down those filled with it's gifts or how it functions because of their lack of understanding of it?
How can someone speak of worship, when they've never been lost in it?
What if those you've been told have it all wrong, have more of it right than those who downed them?



How would that make you feel?

The Big Pause

A cruel visitor has invaded our happy home. It has caused much upheaval, discomfort and frustration.
Who is this visitor who would create such havoc you ask? It's name is menopause!
Several years ago, it started with the usual hot flashes and night sweats.
Ok, so it was inconvenient, but I could live with those. The night sweats lasted about two solid years. Easy enough to deal with. Wake up and shower, problem fixed! This isn't so bad I thought. The hot flashes weren't an every day event, so those were ok too.
Then, this month , this cruel invader of homes, minds, and emotions went too far!
Certain monthly events are no longer normal. They have become a monumental event altering life's normal routine and necessitating some extra planning. That was a shocker! I thought to myself, please God, I take back every time I've ever asked for this change to come quickly. Clearly Lord, I had no idea what I was asking for. I repent! I give!
Last week, this visitor brought memory loss. I took the wrong exit on the way to work. Two days later, I was on the right freeway, but  thought I wasn't. I drove along questioning every landmark and sign. Panic set in. Is this Alzheimers? Am I losing my mind? Please God, don't let this happen. I don't want to forget who my loved ones are. I don't want to be one of those people who forget where they're driving and get lost. Would I remember who to call if I got lost? What if I can't remember my husband, children, grandkids?
My mind was a whirl of what ifs that I didn't want to think about.
Then, this week, this cruel thing invaded my emotions turning me into this horrid , mean person whom I hope never shows up again. I went from mellow to wicked witch of the West in a matter of minutes. She was awful! She brought rage. She was foreign to me. The next morning I still felt irritated. Then came wanting to cry. Followed by that was emotional numbness. After that followed fatigue and exhaustion.
Let me off this ride! I don't play well with others any more. I'm not in control. I do NOT like this!!!!!
A call to a friend assured me this is "normal". NORMAL? I find nothing normal about this!
It did bring much comfort to talk to others. I found out I'm not going through anything abnormal, just different than what I'm used to.
I do not like this new visitor, but I can't make it magically go away. It will require a lot of thought, planning, prayer, and tracking of events to give me some sense of control and learning what to expect when.
I will definitely have to lean on God for help and direction . The support of women in the same life phase will be a huge help and support. I am thankful for them already! I am also very thankful for an understanding husband who loves me unconditionally.
Here's to hoping this visitor has a very short stay!